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AIBU?

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Original poster

To allow DSC to call me mummy.

188 replies

Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:08

I am likely to be absolutely flamed.
DSC has been living with me full time 95 percent of their life ( now year 1 at school)
for reasons they are now solely in my custody and that will not change. Their dad is no longer around and courts granted me parental responsibility and and live in order.
they know their bio mum and know I am not their bio mum but for many reasons they only see each-other 2-3 times a year now in a contact centre ( should be more )
they Have 1 bio sibling in the home and one non bio sibling. We run day to day like any other family and all children are treated the same
they do however have free contact with bio mums extended family something that I have always facilitated.
recently especially around bed time or even they are talking to others they have referred. to me as “ mummy or mum “
i used to correct them and their little face would look disheartened this was the wish of the extended family. I have spoken to DSC about the situation in a child friendly way but they want to refer to me like the other children in the house including his sibling. I have no issues of course and they will always be included in the same way for example if someone asks me how many children I have I will say 3.
I don’t know how to sensitively handle the situation.

OP posts:
IBelieveInFerries · 23/04/2024 10:21

For the mumsnet collective (vipers) to agree on anything is incredibly rare.

You are most certainly 'mum'. 💐

Triangulasaurus · 23/04/2024 10:07

You absolutely allow them to. You've explained biology. They want to call you mum. It's lovely and they need to be able to call you this. Please let them.

PickleJelly · 23/04/2024 09:57

Just wanted to say, I think you are a wonderful human being.

Usedtobecoolnowiloveairfryers · 23/04/2024 09:57

OP I read the title and my initial thought was no - but under the circumstances I think they should definitely call you Mum. You have earned that title from them! It takes more than genetics to be their Mum! Well done you for being there and giving them what they need! Good luck OP!!

VJBR · 23/04/2024 09:50

Of course you should be 'mum'. They are lucky to have such a lovely person in their lives.

Highfivemum · 23/04/2024 09:35

What a fabulous lady you are. You have stepped up and are their mum. The Dc have had a rough time and they have chosen to call you mum. A huge thank you from them as they have trusted you and value you. Let them call you mum. You are the only one who deserves the title.

Penguinfeet24 · 23/04/2024 09:34

Have to put the security of the child first, the adults can go do the other thing. Let them call you mummy, after all, you are their primary carer and the person they spend most time with.

LakeTiticaca · 23/04/2024 09:33

You are the one who has loved and nurtured this child for a large part of their life. You are their mum. They need the security of being able to call somebody mummy. Is there a chance you could formally adopt?

Outnumbered99 · 23/04/2024 09:30

Sounds to me like you are mum in every way that matters and you are being led by the child- let them call you mum/mummy. It sounds like you have been utterly brilliant to me and just the stable influence children need.

The years will fly and you'll be "Bruh" in no time anyway

OhNoPapa · 23/04/2024 09:26

Of course they should be allowed to call you mummy.

VelociraptorsVelociRapping · 23/04/2024 09:16

You are their mum. Let them call you 'mum'. They are lucky to have you. Flowers

alco · 23/04/2024 09:13

It sounds like for all the important parts you are their mum. I think if they want to call you mum go with it.

Just my own experience, I was raised by a relative - from a very young age. I did see my mum and knew who she was. When I started school I was really sad I didn't have anyone to call mum. She said I could call her mum, it made me feel better. Until another relative (her child) heard me and made me stop which again made me feel like not a real part of the family. I wish I had kept calling her mum it would have made me feel more included.

Dontcallmescarface · 23/04/2024 09:12

You are her mum. You may not have given birth to her but in all the ways that matter she is yours. I understand your reservations though as I also brought up my DSD when her dad left us. When she was older (she's late 30's now), during a conversation about her childhood she said that her calling me mum and me allowing that, made her feel part of a family and that at least 1 adult in her life actually cared about her.

AdaColeman · 23/04/2024 09:12

They must be longing to call you Mummy, so you should let them do so. For them, it will confirm their place in the family.

Scotcheggz · 23/04/2024 09:03

Let them have a mummy, you’re the only reasonable option

PrimalLass · 23/04/2024 08:58

It's fine. They want to and that takes priority.

LoreleiG · 23/04/2024 08:57

Let them call you Mum, because you are their Mum. 💐

Whatsitcalled38 · 23/04/2024 08:56

You are raising him. You are his mum. You don't have to be special or a good person to get pregnant, being a good mother isn't about birthing a baby. You are, for all intents and purposes, his mum.

theduchessofspork · 23/04/2024 08:51

It’s fine, you are their mum.

Obviously they also have a birth mother - you can be mum y and she can be mum x. In reality you will likely be just mum and she’ll be mum x.

Kids need a mum, and you are it

Seagrassbasket · 23/04/2024 08:51

OMG definitely definitely let them call you mum. Come back and tell us their reaction when you tell them xx

LifeWithADHD · 23/04/2024 08:49

Motomum23 · 22/04/2024 23:13

Considering you are that child's only full time parent I think it's more than fair they get to call you what they want. Regardless of the reasons of bio mums limited contact every child should be able to call the person that loves and cares for them mummy or daddy. I don't think extended family get a say at this point either.

This.

forget what extended family want. That child is the priority they maybe they are needed to feel like they have a mummy (as bio is obviously not around) they just want to be included and you are their mum

NCprivatelife · 23/04/2024 08:48

@Chaosandcuddles22 This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. THANK YOU for being the responsible, loving and consistent adult this child so desperately needs in their life. You didn't have to; but you stepped up because you love them like your own, and because it was the right thing to do, and I don't think you know how rare and special that is. They could have ended up in care, or being passed around their extended family; instead they get a loving home, living alongside their siblings. You're a hero.

I think if it doesn't bother you, you should 100% let them call you mummy - it will cement their feeling of belonging and equality in the family, and you have bloody earned it.

Seriously you are wonderful. No doubt they'll give you a hard time at points in the future, as all kids do, but when they are an adult and they can fully appreciate how you stepped up for them, they will feel so so loved.

AnnaMagnani · 23/04/2024 08:48

The needs of the child are the most important thing here, not the needs of the adults some of whom are obviously crap

If the child names you Mummy, then you are Mummy.

ForestForever · 23/04/2024 08:46

You sound fabulous, your DSC are very fortunate to have you. If they’re comfortable calling you mum and you are too then go for it, you’ve earned that right.

Everythinggreen · 23/04/2024 08:43

You are their mum, you have full custody and parental responsibility and do everything a mum does. Children don't want to feel othered and they want to belong the same as their siblings and friends and as you are the only mum they know, there is no reason for them not to think of you and call you mum. You are a lovely woman.