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AIBU?

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Original poster

To allow DSC to call me mummy.

188 replies

Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:08

I am likely to be absolutely flamed.
DSC has been living with me full time 95 percent of their life ( now year 1 at school)
for reasons they are now solely in my custody and that will not change. Their dad is no longer around and courts granted me parental responsibility and and live in order.
they know their bio mum and know I am not their bio mum but for many reasons they only see each-other 2-3 times a year now in a contact centre ( should be more )
they Have 1 bio sibling in the home and one non bio sibling. We run day to day like any other family and all children are treated the same
they do however have free contact with bio mums extended family something that I have always facilitated.
recently especially around bed time or even they are talking to others they have referred. to me as “ mummy or mum “
i used to correct them and their little face would look disheartened this was the wish of the extended family. I have spoken to DSC about the situation in a child friendly way but they want to refer to me like the other children in the house including his sibling. I have no issues of course and they will always be included in the same way for example if someone asks me how many children I have I will say 3.
I don’t know how to sensitively handle the situation.

OP posts:
zingally · 23/04/2024 17:18

Considering you're basically the childs sole parent, I don't think anyone would realistically argue with you being called Mum.
2-3 times a year in a contact centre, does not a mother make.

If the extended family don't like it, screw them. I guess they weren't beating down your door to have the child themselves? Their opinions don't matter - only the feelings of your child.

tsmainsqueeze · 23/04/2024 16:42

This precious child is blessed to have you as their mommy , you have something special and the extended family have no part in this .
The security that you as their mommy is giving this child is going to make such a difference in their life always , much love and happiness to you all .

PinotDragon · 23/04/2024 16:28

Oh wow that actually made me wobble a bit; please do let then call you mummy and bugger what the extended family think. As far as the child is concerned you are their mum and doing a great job by the sounds of it.

IwishMaxTheriothadanOnlyfans · 23/04/2024 16:24

My sister is in a similar situation OP but her DSC sees bio mum monthly. Calls my sis mum and has done for years. He also calls his bio mum mum when he's with her. Kids deserve to have someone in their day to day lives the can call mum/mummy where it's at all possible.

Aykarumba · 23/04/2024 16:07

I grew up in circumstances very similar to your DSC. My mum is my mum. The woman who birthed me is my mother and my tenant. I don't care how she felt about me calling mum, mum. My family on my mum's side never really said anything about it. I'd have been heartbroken had she not allowed me to call her mum.

Redherringgull · 23/04/2024 14:46

In this instance you are most definitely Mummy for all three of your children.

Cas112 · 23/04/2024 14:40

Its the childs choice, not the extended family

KomodoOhno · 23/04/2024 14:31

Honestly you are the mum. You take care of them when they are sick, you are happy when they are happy and sad when they are sad. You worry for them and you sacrifice to give them all they need. That's more mum the giving birth. And sounds like you are an amazing one.

BugBugTheTornado · 23/04/2024 14:03

My two DSDs live with us full time and don't see their mum or her family at all (and are unlikely to again). We have a 2yo DD at home too.

They call me Mum when they want something, Mummy when they really want something, MOTHER when I am being mortifying (frequently, obviously), Bruv a lot of the time (they're 13 and 18), and occasionally my name or a variation. At their ages I let them call me whatever they like, if they're talking to me it's a win!

Honestly, I'd 100% let them. A mum isn't just a biological thing as far as I'm concerned. They're the person you know loves you unconditionally, and it sounds to me like that is definitely you for your little ones x

DeadbeatYoda · 23/04/2024 13:58

You're a good woman, Chaos. Those kids are lucky to have you.

Tbry24 · 23/04/2024 13:46

That’s lovely to read and yes of course you are their mummy.

ScrambledEggForBrains · 23/04/2024 13:33

My dd calls my husbands stepdad Grandad. That’s the roll he has always played in her life therefore that’s who he is! Grandad. Your their Mum!

Ted27 · 23/04/2024 13:30

@Summerpussy

She is his real mum

Summerpussy · 23/04/2024 13:27

You could be mummy ,and his real mum be mum
Then there's a distinction

BasketsandBunnies · 23/04/2024 13:26

You are absolutely their mummy and they should be able to call you that if they want to. You sound amazing.

VampireWeekday · 23/04/2024 12:51

Oh my god OP you ARE their mummy in every way that matters!! Please don't tell that poor little boy that he can't call you mummy like everyone else. He just wants and needs a mum to love and look after him and make him feel safe. You are that person! You do those things for him every single day, please let him use the special word that we have for that special person in a child's life.

user1496146479 · 23/04/2024 12:42

Let them call you MummyChaos.
Tummy mummy is grim to me! Envy

Wheeeeee · 23/04/2024 12:36

I'm thinking of the bit in Goodnight Mister Tom when the wee boy calls Mister Tom 'Dad' for the first time. Everyone understands how right that is, and it sounds like 'Mummy' is right for you and your wee one too.

OssieShowman · 23/04/2024 12:35

You will always be his mum. Maybe when he is around his bio family, he could refer to you as ‘Mum Chaos’, so it doesn’t upset them.
You must be so proud.

FangsForTheMemory · 23/04/2024 12:35

Plenty of children have two mums so no reason why this little one shouldn’t.

Josette77 · 23/04/2024 12:29

IntriguingFactJumble · 23/04/2024 11:24

I clarified later in the thread but not exactly adoptive parents; kinship carers so that was a way of explaining why there is another woman called Mum who she visits but doesn't live with. It's all good now, she tends to call us her Nans in most situations but not bother contradicting people in shops for example.

Show quote history

Ah, gotcha. That makes sense. 💐
I'm glad they have you.
I was born into care, no family would take me or my siblings because they didn't want to deal with my bio mom.

tiredandabitfat · 23/04/2024 12:29

Justanything86 · 22/04/2024 23:14

Other family members are prioritising their desires over the child's need to feel secure imo. Let them call you what they like.

Yes, agree.

CC222 · 23/04/2024 12:25

You are their mum. Your children's emotional security is far more important than extended family members being kept comfortable, they're not raising your children so they don't really get to have a say so.
You're a great mum, allow each child to have the normality and comfort of calling you mum 💕

HcbSS · 23/04/2024 12:20

So you have been granted parental responsibility for your ex partner's child, and you care for him as though he were your own despite no longer being in a relationship with his father. You are amazing and have more than earned the title of Mum.
Would you be allowed to adopt this child in due course OP? I really hope so.

Noseybookworm · 23/04/2024 12:03

Surely the needs of the child come before the wishes of extended bio family? Your little one has been through a lot and wants the security of calling you mummy. You are the primary caregiver and the other children in the house call you mum so it seems quite understandable that he/she would too. I would absolutely let them call you mummy 💐