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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To allow DSC to call me mummy.

188 replies

Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:08

I am likely to be absolutely flamed.
DSC has been living with me full time 95 percent of their life ( now year 1 at school)
for reasons they are now solely in my custody and that will not change. Their dad is no longer around and courts granted me parental responsibility and and live in order.
they know their bio mum and know I am not their bio mum but for many reasons they only see each-other 2-3 times a year now in a contact centre ( should be more )
they Have 1 bio sibling in the home and one non bio sibling. We run day to day like any other family and all children are treated the same
they do however have free contact with bio mums extended family something that I have always facilitated.
recently especially around bed time or even they are talking to others they have referred. to me as “ mummy or mum “
i used to correct them and their little face would look disheartened this was the wish of the extended family. I have spoken to DSC about the situation in a child friendly way but they want to refer to me like the other children in the house including his sibling. I have no issues of course and they will always be included in the same way for example if someone asks me how many children I have I will say 3.
I don’t know how to sensitively handle the situation.

OP posts:
croydon15 · 24/04/2024 20:10

Another vote to let them call you Mum, you are their Mum, they deserve to have a Mum and feel secure, the extended family didn't look after them you have.
You sound like a lovely person and l wish you and your family all the best.

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 24/04/2024 20:04

In this situation you are mum, I would let the little one call you whatever they felt comfortable with. Sounds like you’re their only real constant.

BirthdayRainbow · 24/04/2024 20:03

Borris · 22/04/2024 23:10

Could you be "mummy chaos". To differentiate from biomum. You sound more than stepmum

This is awful. I've been the child in a different family and if I wanted to use mummy and wasn't allowed I'd have felt even more rejected.

VampireWeekday · 24/04/2024 20:01

Beautiful update. That little boy is so lucky to have found you as his mummy. How lovely that it was exciting news to him, and old news to your daughter. It shows you've done an amazing job of making the children feel equally loved and part of the family, and that they all know and recognise that too.

Rubyrubyrubyrubee · 24/04/2024 20:00

You are their Mummy ❤️

Julimia · 24/04/2024 19:58

A mum is someone who does '' mum" things. If thats how little one sees it and what she wants to call you so be it. Be proud of it.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/04/2024 19:53

YaMuvva · 22/04/2024 23:17

Awww let them call you mummy. Sounds like they’ve had a chaotic life at a young age already, and they need a mummy. You’ve earned it OP, and so have they.

This.

you sound like an absolutely lovely mommy. I’m so glad he’s got you

Pointynoseowner · 24/04/2024 19:51

Your doing a great job. Your their mum 🤗

tommyhoundmum · 24/04/2024 19:42

I have been in very similar circs to you. The one year old is now 21 and has called me whatever she wants. Sometimes Mummy other times Wendy. I really don't mind and it's not an issue.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 24/04/2024 19:38

You didn’t birth them but you are their mum. You know it and they know it. Sod the extended family, clearly they don’t have the kid’s best interests at heart. You clearly do.

Pantaloons99 · 24/04/2024 18:12

How lucky he is to have you.

I am 'bio mum' and I would be so appreciative of your love and care of my child I would be happy for them to call you mum in that position. I'd let them carry on.

Jumpers4goalposts · 24/04/2024 18:01

I think this is lovely.

Chaosandcuddles22 · 23/04/2024 22:42

just to ask add around the question about adoption - I don’t need to adopt him I’m not sure is legally I even could as far as I’m aware because I am his guardian - have PR and a live in order. So it’s basically I don’t have to adopt him and his legally my responsibility and I am his legal guardian already.

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 23/04/2024 19:18

I honestly think this is the most wholesome step parent thread I have ever read.

This child has two biological parents but only one mummy and that is you op. The extended family should be glad that dsc has a mum who loves them as much as their own dc.

I’m glad you’ve had the chat and all has worked out. You clearly have a lovely little family.

Summatoruvva · 23/04/2024 19:18

You sound incredible and clearly embody mumness. I think it would help your child to heal if they could call you mum.

NeedToChangeName · 23/04/2024 19:11

Brilliant

Well done

I think you got lots of good advice on this thread

Everythinggreen · 23/04/2024 19:07

Aww such a lovely update @Chaosandcuddles22 and love your DDs reaction 😂 like "yeah that's old news now onto important subjects like sweets" 😂

Maybeicanhelpyou · 23/04/2024 19:07

Awesome update, I need a tissue!

Ellmau · 23/04/2024 19:06

Chaosandcuddles22 · 23/04/2024 18:54

Hi thank you for your kind words, we had a lovely dinner out their choice and had a good chat. I told them it was okay to call me mummy. They had a few questions and we spoke and then when we got home he told my DD “ your mummy is my mummy now “ 😂😂😂
in which my DD replied “ we know now are you sharing those sweet or what haha “
😂😂

Edited

That's so sweet.

CadyEastman · 23/04/2024 19:00

Chaosandcuddles22 · 23/04/2024 18:54

Hi thank you for your kind words, we had a lovely dinner out their choice and had a good chat. I told them it was okay to call me mummy. They had a few questions and we spoke and then when we got home he told my DD “ your mummy is my mummy now “ 😂😂😂
in which my DD replied “ we know now are you sharing those sweet or what haha “
😂😂

Edited

That's such a lovely update. They all know and accept you as Mum to all of of them Flowers

Haydenn · 23/04/2024 19:00

Chaosandcuddles22 · 23/04/2024 18:54

Hi thank you for your kind words, we had a lovely dinner out their choice and had a good chat. I told them it was okay to call me mummy. They had a few questions and we spoke and then when we got home he told my DD “ your mummy is my mummy now “ 😂😂😂
in which my DD replied “ we know now are you sharing those sweet or what haha “
😂😂

Edited

nicest post and thread on mumsnet I’ve seen for a while. Happy for you and your family OP. You’re one of life’s good eggs.

Chaosandcuddles22 · 23/04/2024 18:54

Hi thank you for your kind words, we had a lovely dinner out their choice and had a good chat. I told them it was okay to call me mummy. They had a few questions and we spoke and then when we got home he told my DD “ your mummy is my mummy now “ 😂😂😂
in which my DD replied “ we know now are you sharing those sweet or what haha “
😂😂

OP posts:
rainbowbee · 23/04/2024 17:51

Can you be plain 'mummy' (as you are indeed- meeting a few times a year in a contact centre doesn't form any proper maternal relationship!) and the bio mum could be mummy-name?
The extended family don't get to say. It sounds like the child has been messed around enough. He knows that you are 'mummy' just the same as his siblings, and you sound lovely.

MargaretThursday · 23/04/2024 17:42

When I nannied a small one (age about 18 months), he refused to refer to me anything other than "mums" when outside the house. Inside the house I was always my name.

We (me and his mum) used to call it a "job description" and I am totally confident he didn't think I was his mum.
Would thinking of it as a job description help?

Starsandflowers · 23/04/2024 17:24

Why on earth would you get flamed for this? You are their mother of course they will call you mum. They may also have a bio mum but that doesn't take away from the fact that day to day you are their main caregiver and they want to call you mum. Of course they should be allowed to!