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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To allow DSC to call me mummy.

188 replies

Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:08

I am likely to be absolutely flamed.
DSC has been living with me full time 95 percent of their life ( now year 1 at school)
for reasons they are now solely in my custody and that will not change. Their dad is no longer around and courts granted me parental responsibility and and live in order.
they know their bio mum and know I am not their bio mum but for many reasons they only see each-other 2-3 times a year now in a contact centre ( should be more )
they Have 1 bio sibling in the home and one non bio sibling. We run day to day like any other family and all children are treated the same
they do however have free contact with bio mums extended family something that I have always facilitated.
recently especially around bed time or even they are talking to others they have referred. to me as “ mummy or mum “
i used to correct them and their little face would look disheartened this was the wish of the extended family. I have spoken to DSC about the situation in a child friendly way but they want to refer to me like the other children in the house including his sibling. I have no issues of course and they will always be included in the same way for example if someone asks me how many children I have I will say 3.
I don’t know how to sensitively handle the situation.

OP posts:
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rhianfitz · 27/04/2024 20:11

That sounds lovely, to hell with their extended family

Echoparkswan · 25/04/2024 17:17

Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:36

They have been through a lot, losing their dad and gaining a new sibling in very close timing. I think at this point they just want security. It’s just so hard to navigate sometimes and you never know if you’re doing the right things.

You sound like a wonderful woman and mum 🌷

GoldEagle · 25/04/2024 17:13

It's the children that count, if they want to call you 'Mum' so be it, they love you and that's all that matters.

Linlithgow · 25/04/2024 15:33

It's absolutely fine, it's actually lovely that they want too xx

haveaniceday321 · 25/04/2024 15:06

Your the mother now and have been for a long time

You are mum

BaconCozzers · 25/04/2024 15:03

How lovely that life has brought you together. You are his mummy in every practical sense and the added bonus is you have chosen each other. Ha, I'm a bit teary ❤️

zazazoop · 25/04/2024 14:56

What an amazing mum you are, I'm so glad you're in their life.

jeaux90 · 25/04/2024 10:55

OP the world is a better place with people like you stepping up and taking care of your DSC, I would also let them call me mum in your situation.

Mathsbabe · 25/04/2024 10:47

A friends eldest daughter chose to have a baby alone and died shortly after delivering her baby. Her parents are raising the baby. I'm sure the last thing they want was to be called mum and dad when their much loved daughter should have been mum. But they took advice and are called mum and dad because it was in the baby's best interests.
Your little one seems to feel the need for you to be mum. I'd go with it.

pollymere · 25/04/2024 10:47

A Mum is the person who looks after you when you're ill, and buys you things etc. You are their Mum.

KnickerlessParsons · 25/04/2024 08:42

DD used to call her childminder mummy. I was pleased they had that kind of relationship.
It was always me she came to for cuddles, comfort, etc though when she was with both me and CM at the same time.

Winter2020 · 25/04/2024 01:00

What a lovely thread and family.

I think it will be easy to have, for example based on my username, mummy Winter and mummy Summer - but when you are with the person or no context is needed just mummy.

We have this with nanny Winter and nanny Summer and when with them just nan.

Mamanyt · 25/04/2024 00:13

I find this absolutely acceptable. You are, 95+% of the time, the only parent they know. And legally recognized as such. Of course, they call you mummy. And to insist on another name would isolate them from the rest of the family in their own mind. You are their rock, their stability, their only source of maternal love. This is a "battle" that need not be fought at all.

SoapyBubblesLittleTroubles · 24/04/2024 23:37

I lost my mum last year and had been feeling a bit sad tonight - this thread, and a pile on of support for the OP, has reminded me about all the good things in the world. I only really come on Mumsnet looking for the cheeky fuckers of the world 😁

SoapyBubblesLittleTroubles · 24/04/2024 23:31

They are incredibly lucky to have someone so awesome step up for them and you should of course be called Mummy. You've stepped into the role and you're their safe person and it makes your their mummy in their eyes (and mine).

They will grow up and look back and feel incredibly lucky to have been loved and cared for by someone who chose to do so, not because of blood lines but because of how much they mattered to you and that's a powerful thing 💜

Tlolljs · 24/04/2024 22:46

This is one of the best threads I’ve read on here.
You are an absolute star. Those children are lucky to have you in their lives. Best wishes to you all.

Pedestrian0 · 24/04/2024 22:38

This is so lovely! I'm really glad you had that chat. Beautiful family. <3

I'm sure you're all over this as you sound amazing but I'm just thinking bio family may well have a go at the child if they hear him saying 'mummy' about you (along the lines of 'X is not your mummy, mum is!') and be angry with the child or shame them. So it may be a good idea to either pre-empt with the family and tell them what has been decided and why, or at least equip the child with what to say if they do start having a go at him.

Havinganamechange · 24/04/2024 22:19

You are the primary carer, the person that cuddles them when they are sad, feeds them, gets them ready for bed, plays with them, loves them, why wouldn’t they call you mum or mummy. I think it’s very normal, and it sounds as though you have been open with them about their bio mum etc. Nothing wrong with them calling you mummy.

Poopants1000 · 24/04/2024 22:17

You are their mum, maybe not the only one but the one that they will respect and appreciate sooo much when they are grown. Enjoy hearing them call you mum, you have earned it x

Blondiiiii · 24/04/2024 21:53

You are their mummy ❤️

Alltheparmesanplease · 24/04/2024 21:29

Fluffywigg · 22/04/2024 23:29

If anyone deserves the title of ‘Mum’ it’s certainly you! You sound lovely

Absolutely this 💕

Wouldprefertobereading · 24/04/2024 20:19

You are absolutely the child’s Mum. If the cap fits…

Thepowerhouseofthecell · 24/04/2024 20:19

I'm due on and this thread has made me cry. So lovely

mountaingoatsarehairy · 24/04/2024 20:15

Well done you and what a lovely thread.

WickWood · 24/04/2024 20:11

You are amazing, you are his mum