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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think if we can't get help, who can?

244 replies

drspouse · 22/04/2024 20:38

DS (12) has ADHD and can be aggressive. We are seeing positive changes but he can still flip on the drop of a hat and last week threw something at me that made my head bleed, DH took him out to cool off, I had called the police and they had arrived meantime and this triggers social services to call which is why we do it.
Had a really patronising, I felt, call from social services today. They keep saying we've "refused services", throwing names around (names of people we may have met but we've met about 20 new people and some have actually rung DH or seen him not me, and names of services that we may or may not have been told about).

We have recently been awarded respite which is supposed to be a certain number of hours but none of the agencies can find us any workers and the SW acted surprised (despite there being a national care recruitment crisis). I contacted a mentoring agency - they charge £75/HR and we get minimum wage to pay the worker...

Both DH and I thought we were told we'd be getting a disability social worker. Apparently we should know he has the wrong sort of disability so no social worker.

We are fully aware that we don't always handle him well and the incident last week has also left me with bruises but it was the result of me telling him off for ignoring my instructions and he then pushed me against the metal radiator so I fell over and then he threw cutlery at me. I completely lost my cool as I was covered in blood and I wish I didn't because it just makes DS more wound up and more aggressive.

We've asked for help around staying calm and our mental health (because we are on edge wondering which day he will throw a kitchen knife or push someone down the stairs, and because we don't know how not to react when we are bleeding or bruised). We also want someone to help us with how we handle him and what to do when he's dysregulated. We were explicitly asked "what do you think you need" only to be told "we don't provide that" and then apparently we'd "refused services".

We've been told about 20 times to "call your GP". We've both been through their CBT course twice, me three times, and we're both on medication.

We are at risk of being seriously hurt. We are afraid for our lives and safety. But nobody can do anything about it. What are we supposed to do - wait till one of us is dead? Until he's in prison? Until he's old enough for us to say he has to move out and then he'll just be on the streets and on drugs but we might still be alive?

OP posts:
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ThisOldThang · 23/04/2024 08:56

lifeturnsonadime · 23/04/2024 08:50

Letting a child do whatever they want because you're loving in fear of a violent reaction is terrible advice and will almost certainly lead to escalating violence at home, school and in the community.

No it isn't.

Deescalating to keep everyone safe is advised.

This just shows you've never had to live with a child whose mental health is so poor that they and you are at risk of physical harm.

Once the child is de-escalated you can work with them to set boundaries going forward.

A child will quickly learn the rules of the game and will escalate violence for their every little whim.

The OP has other children in the home. How can she ask those children to tolerate having their food taken from their plates with zero reaction to avoid violence? What lesson is that teaching?

lifeturnsonadime · 23/04/2024 08:55

PineappleTime · 23/04/2024 08:54

This is CAMHS passing the buck because they can't meet the family's needs. Not to say the OP shouldn't have called the police - it was appropriate given she had been hurt. But using police to escalate because appropriate services can't meet the child's needs is outrageous and CAMHS should not Be suggesting that.

Show quote history

Totally.

CAMHS should be better funded so that this is unnecessary.

PineappleTime · 23/04/2024 08:54

lifeturnsonadime · 23/04/2024 08:43

In your opinion. We were literally advised to do this by CAMHs to get the support we needed.

Do you think she should wait for someone to get seriously hurt?

It is shitty that the police have to deal with these issues but they are used to it because of the lack of mental health services.

You are blaming the wrong person here. That is despicable.

Show quote history

This is CAMHS passing the buck because they can't meet the family's needs. Not to say the OP shouldn't have called the police - it was appropriate given she had been hurt. But using police to escalate because appropriate services can't meet the child's needs is outrageous and CAMHS should not Be suggesting that.

hettie · 23/04/2024 08:51

Services in your locality don't sound great....
I'd try and find somewhere nearby that offers non violent resistance training. Youth offending teams often teach parents this approach but there may also be private/other providers. If nothing else you could read up on the approach? https://thechildpsychologyservice.co.uk/therapy-information/non-violent-resistance-nvr/
I'd also look to find a clinical or counselling psychologist trained in the Dan Hughes approach of Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP). If possible go with the psychologist over another professional as they should have more training/insight into the ADHD aspects of the difficulties you are all experiencing....

Profile: Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) - The Child Psychology Service

https://thechildpsychologyservice.co.uk/therapy-information/non-violent-resistance-nvr

PineappleTime · 23/04/2024 08:51

@binaryfinery Unfortunately SS still tend to be really focused on the narrow parameters of what they provide because that's all they are resourced to provide.

DeathNote11 · 23/04/2024 08:51

Contact 'Capa First Response'. Your family needs specialist advocacy & services.

lifeturnsonadime · 23/04/2024 08:50

Letting a child do whatever they want because you're loving in fear of a violent reaction is terrible advice and will almost certainly lead to escalating violence at home, school and in the community.

No it isn't.

Deescalating to keep everyone safe is advised.

This just shows you've never had to live with a child whose mental health is so poor that they and you are at risk of physical harm.

Once the child is de-escalated you can work with them to set boundaries going forward.

Original poster
drspouse · 23/04/2024 08:47

Hereyoume · 23/04/2024 08:35

Unless the OP was intending to make a complaint of assault, provide a statement and attend court as a witness, then she had no business calling the police.

She took officers away from answering serious calls, where the police are actually needed. Utterly disgraceful.

Show quote history

The police have a CAMHS liaison officer, have told us to call again, and social services have told us to call the police. Wind your neck in.

OP posts:
ThisOldThang · 23/04/2024 08:47

Octavia64 · 22/04/2024 20:58

I have a child with adhd.

If telling your child off causes him to be aggressive to the point you need to call the police, at the risk of stating the bleeding obvious stop telling him off.

Stop thinking of him as a normal child who will do what he is told (he won't) and start thinking from a new viewpoint which is how to we make sure no-one gets hurt.

In schools if there are violent incidents a common way of analysing them is using the ABC framework.

So for example, it might go like this.

A - antecedents - what happened before the incident. Write down in detail who said what, who was where, what happened. You are looking for triggers for violence.

B - behaviour - what actually happened. Write as factually as possible without emotions and describing only what people did or said. Don't try to guess what was going on in anyone's head.

C - consequences. So this is not what (if any) punishment you impose but what happened as a result of the violence.

The aim of this framework is to try to establish whether the violence is being used to get particular things to happen (consequences) or in response to particular triggers (antecedents).

The aim then is to reduce violence. So if you know telling him off triggers him, don't tell him off. Or if you know he will use violence )eg) to avoid going to grandma's don't even try to take him to grandma's.

I agree with the idea of keeping a journal.

Letting a child do whatever they want because you're loving in fear of a violent reaction is terrible advice and will almost certainly lead to escalating violence at home, school and in the community.

lifeturnsonadime · 23/04/2024 08:43

Hereyoume · 23/04/2024 08:35

Unless the OP was intending to make a complaint of assault, provide a statement and attend court as a witness, then she had no business calling the police.

She took officers away from answering serious calls, where the police are actually needed. Utterly disgraceful.

Show quote history

In your opinion. We were literally advised to do this by CAMHs to get the support we needed.

Do you think she should wait for someone to get seriously hurt?

It is shitty that the police have to deal with these issues but they are used to it because of the lack of mental health services.

You are blaming the wrong person here. That is despicable.

MarkMenziesFakeMugger · 23/04/2024 08:42

Hereyoume · 23/04/2024 08:35

Unless the OP was intending to make a complaint of assault, provide a statement and attend court as a witness, then she had no business calling the police.

She took officers away from answering serious calls, where the police are actually needed. Utterly disgraceful.

Show quote history

This mum is being injured and is trying to keep her other child safe. Ffs be realistic!

redleaves75 · 23/04/2024 08:37

Hereyoume · 23/04/2024 08:35

Unless the OP was intending to make a complaint of assault, provide a statement and attend court as a witness, then she had no business calling the police.

She took officers away from answering serious calls, where the police are actually needed. Utterly disgraceful.

Show quote history

Did you miss where OP was assaulted and hurt?

binaryfinery · 23/04/2024 08:36

See if your council has a family support work/ family intervention team. These are separate from social services. They can allocate a worker to support families and offer advice on parenting strategies and techniques. Charities also offer this service.

Charities can also offer a variety of useful services. Try Banardoes as your first port of call.

Unfortunately SS still tend to be really focused on the narrow parameters of what they provide, rather than being able to meet what you need or be able to pint you in the direction of what you need.

Hereyoume · 23/04/2024 08:35

lifeturnsonadime · 23/04/2024 08:30

This is advised sometimes by professionals.

Show quote history

Unless the OP was intending to make a complaint of assault, provide a statement and attend court as a witness, then she had no business calling the police.

She took officers away from answering serious calls, where the police are actually needed. Utterly disgraceful.

lifeturnsonadime · 23/04/2024 08:30

Hereyoume · 23/04/2024 08:28

You used the police to get to Social Services?

🙄

This is advised sometimes by professionals.

lifeturnsonadime · 23/04/2024 08:30

When my child was being violent due to unmet needs (autism/ anxiety rather than adhd) I was told to call the police by mental health services and that this would escalate things.

The police were actually really helpful in the sense that they understood the issue was not that of a criminal child but a child with extreme mental health issues.

The fact that other agencies were involved sped the process of being seen by the CAMHS clinical psychologist. For my son his difficulties were demand/ school driven. We had to de-escalate to enable his mental health to improve before we could put strategies in.

I have a friend with an adopted child who has difficulties, she has had help from Adoption charities.

Edited to add if you are being refused services due to turning some down can you ask for a subject access request (SAR) to find out more details of what this refers to so you can unpick it.

Hereyoume · 23/04/2024 08:28

You used the police to get to Social Services?

🙄

Hankunamatata · 23/04/2024 08:25

I found the incredible years programme very useful as a parent. I think it's designed for kids up to 8 but I found it helpful with my older kids as adhd tend to be about 5 years emotionally behind. There's a book it audio book avaliable.

We had great support from barnardos who might be worth contacting.

We set up our home using many techniques for asd. Visual reminders, chill out areas with fidgets and stuff - useful for dc to take a time out.

Hankunamatata · 23/04/2024 08:21

Hi op. Fellow adhd mum here. Does he have a pead and have they reviewed his medication regime? We had quite a bit of success combing non stimulant medication and stimulant medication in terms of anger. My other though would be that has he been looked at for other conditions such as asd or pda?

Original poster
drspouse · 23/04/2024 07:44

@Octavia64 do you have any ideas of training etc for de-escalation? We were told we can't do the positive handling due to not being employed in this area.

OP posts:
withholdcontact · 23/04/2024 06:05

Could I suggest reading 'The body keeps the score'. Lots of fantastic insights into why these types of behaviours manifest and many different approaches which have been studied and proven successful of how to combat them.

Bryzoan · 23/04/2024 05:40

Awful that you can’t get support on this - it sounds horrendously challenging.

I would recommend ‘the explosive child’ by Ross Greene, essentially it is a technique to analyse and solve problems outside of the crisis moments, while also giving some support and advice for managing crises when they happen. I can see you need a lot more support than just a book recommendation and I am so sorry you aren’t getting it. I do think this is worth a look though.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 23/04/2024 05:02

This sounds so stressful for everyone in the family and shocking no actual help that helps you all. Have you contacted your local mp to see if you can get any help and to push for help for you. Wishing you well and will keep you in my thoughts as you all deserve a break and peace and calm.

Octavia64 · 23/04/2024 02:52

It sounds like you have looked into what works for him in detail and you mostly know what you are doing.

Things that might help you deal with violence:

Sounds stupid but take up a martial arts class. They will teach you control and options.

Consider doing positive handling training - this is the training used in schools for children who are violent

www.positivehandling.co.uk

The SS team may be able to help you access this - it's mostly aimed at schools.

De-escalation strategies are worth looking into as well.

Octavia64 · 23/04/2024 02:47

I suggest the quote about fear from dune.

Might sound odd but I have found it helpful

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.