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Original poster

DH offered EX-wife his jacket

190 replies

adviceaunt · 22/04/2024 16:32

name changed to protect identity, this has been playing on my mind for a while, at a family wedding earlier this year i attended with my DH. his Ex-wfie was also present.

while we were outside standing around waiting for photos, ex-wife who does not have a partner was stood on her own.

my DH went over to her and offered her his jacket as she appeared cold.

a little later when i managed to get him up for a dance he kept glancing over to where she was sitting and i did pull him up saying stop looking at ex-wife. he denied this and said he was keeping an eye on his DS (29) who is single and on his own. i did say, he's a grown adult..

AIBU thinking he should't have done these things?

OP posts:
danitheastrologer · 22/04/2024 21:52

It's awkward when you are at the same function and one of you isn't with a partner, I think it is perfectly reasonable to show consideration to an ex who is on their own but when I asked my husband what he thought he sided with the OP and thought it wasn't on.

PixieLaLar · 22/04/2024 21:51

would he like it if you went over and stood talking to your ex-dh, offered him your pashmina to wear (🤣)and then kept looking over at him all night? No.

Lol, this.

Janetime · 22/04/2024 21:47

our relationship is solid, and if it had been any other woman it would not have been an issue for me.

im not sure I believe this. I think you’re jealous. And in my experience gnat tends to not just be about one person.

thepastinsidethepresent · 22/04/2024 21:44

OneThreadOnly · 22/04/2024 16:35

It’s a bit odd, I don’t believe exes have to hate each other or any of that nonsense but offering his coat is maybe a step too far.

Did you have a coat on?

This is what I'd like to know too, because if not he should have offered it to OP first.

Original poster
adviceaunt · 22/04/2024 21:39

Time4achangeithink · 22/04/2024 21:32

Her man gave another woman his jacket. That's the 'backstory'.

Show quote history

theres no back story.. ive updated a few times on the thread.. the son is not their son

OP posts:
duckcalledbill · 22/04/2024 21:36

WetBandits · 22/04/2024 16:47

I think he sounds decent, not everyone has to snub their ex just because their current partner thinks they should.

I agree with this.

unless there’s a massive backstory then he sounds like a gentleman.

Time4achangeithink · 22/04/2024 21:32

MushMonster · 22/04/2024 17:13

Always keep in mind she is the mother of his child.
So what is wrong with him making her a bit of company if she is standing on her own on a public event? Or offering a jacket if she is cold.
Did you yourself engage with her? Did you talk to her and spent some time with her and you DSS at the wedding?
If there is no further background to this, you are being jealous.
If there is a background, then it could be a very different story here.....

Her man gave another woman his jacket. That's the 'backstory'.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 22/04/2024 21:20

People aren't being "cool wives" because they don't see giving someone a coat as "deeply intimate" FFS

I have fixed many a person's tie/collar and haven't wanted to sleep with most of them (one I did have a crush on but the fixing of their clothes wasn't flirting)

I've been given/offered several coats and had my collar fixed and as far as I'm aware none of them wanted to sleep with me!

Trulyme · 22/04/2024 21:17

I don’t think he did anything wrong at all and I think it actually shows what sort of person he is that he’d openly treat his ex with such respect.

It sounds like he is a good man.

Original poster
adviceaunt · 22/04/2024 21:11

everyone has assumed i'm more bothered by this that i am saying. i really am not! i have only just joined MN and have seen the responses too some of the threads and a recent one brought this incident to mind so i thought i'd see what the responses would be.

our relationship is perfectly fine and i am not worried about cheating or him having feelings etc..

It really is fascinating reading the replies. at the time me and him spoke about it and i will be honest, i knew he was trying really hard to be nice, and he thought it was a nice thing to do (he know's im made of stern stuff so the cold would not be an issue but if i was cold ofcourse the jacket would be mine) .

but.. i did think it was a very intimate thing to do, then and now, but ive not sat and stewed over it for months and months.. just curious is all

OP posts:
thepastinsidethepresent · 22/04/2024 21:03

fieldsofbutterflies · 22/04/2024 16:54

Why would that be a problem?

Show quote history

Straightening someone's tie has a 'this person is with me' feel to it, in many people's eyes anyway.

skippy67 · 22/04/2024 21:01

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 22/04/2024 20:32

So after being told to not snipe at each other during the wedding he went out of his way to demonstrably not do that, probably to show whoever told him to behave that everything was going to be fine and to set the tone with the ex.
He offered her a coat, not his penis.

Exactly.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/04/2024 20:54

I wish my ex would behave decently towards me.

On the bright side if you split he will offer you his jacket 😉

EG94 · 22/04/2024 20:52

Trulyme · 22/04/2024 20:25

Why would your partner giving his ex a hug bother you?

I would give my ex a hug, unless they were an ex because of violence or abuse.

Many people can separate but still like each other as friends.

Just because someone’s your ex, doesn’t mean you need to hate them or treat them any differently than you would an old friend.

Show quote history

Erm maybe because said ex causes untold problems and drama? And they don’t still like each other as friends. To the point she loudly said get off me. And it was done by my partner soon to be ex to fuck me off. That enough reasoning for you?

Itsdeepitsblue · 22/04/2024 20:45

YANBU. My DH gave a woman his coat on a night out once because she was ‘tiny.’ She was very skinny, and well… I wasn’t 😂 but I was still freezing and it pissed me off!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong and actually everything right about being kind and considerate to your ex/child’s mum but if you feel like there’s more to it there probably is.

saraclara · 22/04/2024 20:45

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 22/04/2024 20:32

So after being told to not snipe at each other during the wedding he went out of his way to demonstrably not do that, probably to show whoever told him to behave that everything was going to be fine and to set the tone with the ex.
He offered her a coat, not his penis.

Exactly.

For goodness sake. Four months later and this is an issue? And OP is a mature woman?

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 22/04/2024 20:32

So after being told to not snipe at each other during the wedding he went out of his way to demonstrably not do that, probably to show whoever told him to behave that everything was going to be fine and to set the tone with the ex.
He offered her a coat, not his penis.

AmiablePedant · 22/04/2024 20:28

There is only one important bit of information here (I write this as a woman who feels the cold quite desperately and keeps her place very warm indeed): did the husband offer the ex his coat at the expense of a wife who was standing there shivering? If he didn't (if the wife was more warmly dressed or never feels the cold) then he's not a villain, he's just a decent guy.

Original poster
adviceaunt · 22/04/2024 20:27

Bruisername · 22/04/2024 20:21

If his son is 29 and they married 31 years ago it all sounds quite messy

if you don’t feel he has any feelings for her then I wouldn’t overthink

apologies... i didnt explain that very well, they have been divorced for 11 years when i met him, me and him have been married 10 years, so basically as of today they have been divorced 21 years... after a 6 or 7 year marriage.. the son is not her son

OP posts:
Trulyme · 22/04/2024 20:25

EG94 · 22/04/2024 20:07

Nope I’d be pissed off too. And I’d of said something there and then but if the jacket pissed you off imagine my surprise when my partner fully embraced ex with a massive hug and ushered me to the side to do it 🤬

Why would your partner giving his ex a hug bother you?

I would give my ex a hug, unless they were an ex because of violence or abuse.

Many people can separate but still like each other as friends.

Just because someone’s your ex, doesn’t mean you need to hate them or treat them any differently than you would an old friend.

Trulyme · 22/04/2024 20:23

saraclara · 22/04/2024 20:14

It's bizarre that two people who were married for 21 years are expected not to look at each other when they're in the same room ten years later.

I completely agree!

Most people would still care for someone who they were married to for 21 years.
It doesn’t mean they see each other as anything other than friends.

diddl · 22/04/2024 20:21

So they've gone from being warned to behave to him offering his jacket?

Bruisername · 22/04/2024 20:21

If his son is 29 and they married 31 years ago it all sounds quite messy

if you don’t feel he has any feelings for her then I wouldn’t overthink

saraclara · 22/04/2024 20:14

It's bizarre that two people who were married for 21 years are expected not to look at each other when they're in the same room ten years later.

saraclara · 22/04/2024 20:13

They were asked to behave. He went the extra mile to prove that he was being reasonable.

I can't believe some of the posts here. Some people are just paranoid (or want to think the worst of anyone with a penis)

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