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Original poster

DH offered EX-wife his jacket

190 replies

adviceaunt · 22/04/2024 16:32

name changed to protect identity, this has been playing on my mind for a while, at a family wedding earlier this year i attended with my DH. his Ex-wfie was also present.

while we were outside standing around waiting for photos, ex-wife who does not have a partner was stood on her own.

my DH went over to her and offered her his jacket as she appeared cold.

a little later when i managed to get him up for a dance he kept glancing over to where she was sitting and i did pull him up saying stop looking at ex-wife. he denied this and said he was keeping an eye on his DS (29) who is single and on his own. i did say, he's a grown adult..

AIBU thinking he should't have done these things?

OP posts:
theforeverPm · 23/04/2024 15:58

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theforeverPm · 23/04/2024 15:57

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Original poster
adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 15:49

i give up... my original post never mentioned playing on my mind.. ive explained and explained...

ive been bombarded with question upon question and i may have slipped up somewhere

the wedding was sunday not months ago, i changed the date because ive posted about it on other threads.

not months ago, not 4 months ago.

sunday! are we all happy now... MN is vile... its toxic... litterally nasty

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Original poster
adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 15:44

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eh?

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theforeverPm · 23/04/2024 15:42

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Weighnow · 23/04/2024 15:37

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/04/2024 15:37

Not the same.You'd offer a stranger a coat if they were clearly cold (and you were sure they wouldn't make off with it). You wouldn't straighten their tie.

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Would you offer a stranger you coat? I'm not sure about that. I'd think it was a bit weird if I was the stranger TBH.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/04/2024 15:37

Allfur · 22/04/2024 16:48

That is a bit inappropriate, a bit like you straightening your ex husbands tie or something

Not the same.You'd offer a stranger a coat if they were clearly cold (and you were sure they wouldn't make off with it). You wouldn't straighten their tie.

Original poster
adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 15:28

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it hasn't!

at no point have i said its been playing on my mind! i have explained im now to the MN and after seeing the advice to some threads, one thread made me think of this incident and i was simply curious as to what MN would have to say on matter..

its purely as ive said over and over, curiosity just to see what comments i got! and as ive said, some helpful things have come from it, but it doesnt play on my mind, i dont go to bed every night worried about it.

its a post about something that happened and i just remembered and wanted to know what MN thought.

i have not been surprised by the comments

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theforeverPm · 23/04/2024 15:26

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theforeverPm · 23/04/2024 15:24

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ZiriForGood · 23/04/2024 15:18

I don't feel that offering a jacket is highly intimate thing, for me it is just a help between family/friends/people who know each other well. Unless there is some history with massive missteps from her, I don't see the issue.

Original poster
adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 15:15

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you are correct, i also stated i'd changed my name for a reason too. i was curious on peoples take on this incident, nothing more and nothing less.

if this happened on sunday would peoples advice be different do you think? I've repeated over and over it was an observation of what happened..

some useful comments have been made, theres always room for improvement in any relationship good or bad.

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theforeverPm · 23/04/2024 15:14

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Original poster
adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 15:12

PocketSand · 23/04/2024 14:40

I'm sorry this resonates. Fading into the background is a good place to be if it is chosen and isolated from emotional harm - you can watch others and roll your eyes at the drama. A rock is always overlooked and in the background.

Not so good if you are emotionally embroiled.

If you don't want to change your life I would suggest you reframe it. Rocks are not attention seeking. You are the rock that allows your DH his delusional beliefs and questionable fashion choices. If you can't be disinterested you need to question whether this is right for you.

thanks... food for thought there. i do not feel our replationship is broken etc, but like any marriage there are deal breakers, this is not one but i do agree its something i need to work on.

i have no intention of controlling him and telling him what he can and can't wear, so i have to learn to let it wash over me. if he wants to look a dick, then thats up to him.

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theforeverPm · 23/04/2024 15:11

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PocketSand · 23/04/2024 14:40

I'm sorry this resonates. Fading into the background is a good place to be if it is chosen and isolated from emotional harm - you can watch others and roll your eyes at the drama. A rock is always overlooked and in the background.

Not so good if you are emotionally embroiled.

If you don't want to change your life I would suggest you reframe it. Rocks are not attention seeking. You are the rock that allows your DH his delusional beliefs and questionable fashion choices. If you can't be disinterested you need to question whether this is right for you.

Original poster
adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 14:09

PocketSand · 23/04/2024 13:52

My first thought is triangulating too given that you are still giving this headspace months later.

It really is mills and boon to think that a woman is still in love with the ex they chose to leave over two decades ago.

But unfortunately common that the current wife will feel discomfort/insecurity that her DH shows unusual concern for wellbeing and casts longing looks at the ex alongside this narrative. Especially to prove their new wife is providing what the ex failed at.

Triangulating ex and current wife. Look - I provide my jacket and lingering looks - look - I dance. All very look at me. Think about me. Talk about me. Me, me, me.

Now this resonates a lot! My husband and I love him dearly and he's my rock however he is an attention seeker... he's the one who wears the loud clothes and you can see the pleasure in his face when someone comments... he litterally seeks out loud outlandish clothing and shoes.. only for events and functions... he's the one on a cruise with the bright tux and sparkly shoes and almost makes people admire them... I'm a very fade into the background kind of person... so that's an Interesting take

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PocketSand · 23/04/2024 13:52

My first thought is triangulating too given that you are still giving this headspace months later.

It really is mills and boon to think that a woman is still in love with the ex they chose to leave over two decades ago.

But unfortunately common that the current wife will feel discomfort/insecurity that her DH shows unusual concern for wellbeing and casts longing looks at the ex alongside this narrative. Especially to prove their new wife is providing what the ex failed at.

Triangulating ex and current wife. Look - I provide my jacket and lingering looks - look - I dance. All very look at me. Think about me. Talk about me. Me, me, me.

Freesia9 · 23/04/2024 12:43

Yes I would find it weird if my exH gave me his coat at our DCs wedding. Somewhat intimate and I don't think his wife would be impressed.

Pistachiovillian · 23/04/2024 12:43

If my DP offered her ex gf her jacket when she was cold I'd take it as an act of kindness toward a fellow human, assuming there were no other issues.

I am not sure about looking over while dancing-was it feasible he was looking at his son? Was he in a similar direction etc?
If no other issues with your r'ship I'd just keep an eye on things and talk to him about it perhaps.
People get cold for all sorts of reasons, your not needing a coat doesn't mean she wasn't cold. Just recently me and DP were sitting outside and she was freezing and I was fine!

Notamum12345577 · 23/04/2024 12:40

adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 12:39

😂😂😂 ok true.. i was being sarcastic! lol ive taken the comments with a pinch of salt, i was merely curious to see how advise from MN actually varies and based on this and a few other posts i don't really think its for me.

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I know you were, hence my grinning emoji 😁

Original poster
adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 12:39

Notamum12345577 · 23/04/2024 12:35

Now we know that isn’t true, because it would take months for the MH team to even see you 😁

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😂😂😂 ok true.. i was being sarcastic! lol ive taken the comments with a pinch of salt, i was merely curious to see how advise from MN actually varies and based on this and a few other posts i don't really think its for me.

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Notamum12345577 · 23/04/2024 12:35

adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 12:26

yep.. based on all the answers here, i packed his bags last night and threw him out, ive been to the solicitor today and we are beginning divorce proceedings.

im also being assessed by the MH team as i clearly have massive mental health issues...

thanks for all your help and advice guys, it was brilliant and i feel so stupid now..

anyone know any good dating sites?

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Now we know that isn’t true, because it would take months for the MH team to even see you 😁

Original poster
adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 12:26

tuvamoodyson · 23/04/2024 10:46

…put his stuff in bin bags outside the door and change the locks! (Of the house that is half his)

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yep.. based on all the answers here, i packed his bags last night and threw him out, ive been to the solicitor today and we are beginning divorce proceedings.

im also being assessed by the MH team as i clearly have massive mental health issues...

thanks for all your help and advice guys, it was brilliant and i feel so stupid now..

anyone know any good dating sites?

OP posts:
newyearnewknees · 23/04/2024 11:08

Some of the replies on here are unnecessarily hostile, even if you don't agree.

I wouldn't be happy if my DP did this, especially if he thought that his exW still harboured feelings for him and said I had 'stolen' him from her. It's like he's deliberately triangulated you both. I would definitely raise an eyebrow if I knew you all and saw this too.

I think many, many people take a man giving a woman his jacket to wear as a statement of intimacy, regardless of what the MN world apparently thinks. The comments here are not reflective of the real world, and some seem to be taking pleasure from it 'she probably looked good and he felt nostalgic' - really sticking the boot in. I would absolutely feel uncomfortable if a man at a wedding offered me his jacket whilst his wife stood there and would probably say no thanks even if I was cold. Never mind if it was my exH!

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