Parents arguments bringing awkwardness to the house

Howblueisthesky · 2024-04-22T13:08:22+00:00

My parents have come to stay with us. My dad had quit smoking for a few months and then my mum caught him smoking in our garden this morning. Now she’s angry with him and they’ve not been speaking. The atmosphere is awful in the house and when I took out for coffee this morning and no one spoke. My dad is moody with my Dd, 5 also, which doesn’t seem fair. We’re all due to go out for dinner tonight, with Dh too after work, really don’t fancy sitting in an awkward mood for a few hours and feel it’s unfair on Dh and Dd

ReallyAgainReally · 22/04/2024 18:09

Send them both back to theirs, unless they are willing to sort it for your dd and DH. No ifs or buts.

Then, cancel the dinner.
job done!

MILTOBE · 22/04/2024 17:43

Send your husband up to your dad to ask him what's going on? He could ask him whether he wants to come or whether he'd rather have a takeaway at home on his own.

nineseasaway · 22/04/2024 17:24

Farahfawsett · 22/04/2024 14:25

Put your DD in front of the tv or similar, take your parents to another room and say:

"Mum, Dad, I am not prepared for DD to witness the two of you fight and give each other the silent treatment, because I don't want her to grow up thinking that is normal when it's not.

You made me suffer through that as a child and I hated it; I would be a terrible parent if I let you do the same thing to my DD, so I will not allow it to happen in my home.

It's time for you both to leave, I suggest you get marriage counselling because I see now as an adult that your methods of handling conflict within your relationship is awful; it was a terrible example for you to set me and it is not an example I will let you set for my daughter.

When you both apologise to me and to each other and seek out the guidance you clearly need for healthy relationships then maybe you can visit again."

Who actually talks like that..

Crapuscular · 22/04/2024 16:45

Harvestfestivalknickers · 22/04/2024 14:42

Put yourself first then! 'Sorry Mum, I don't feel like going out later, the mood is awful, DD has noticed it too. I think its best you and Dad go home and sort out your differences'

This.

RedStripeypillow · 22/04/2024 16:18

Feign a migraine and call off the meal and get a takeaway in.

kindlyensure · 22/04/2024 16:12

...Although if your dad pulls the moody stuff with your DD, just say to him "we talk kindly to each other in this house".

And then ask your DD a nice positive or fun question or silly question...(would you rather have wings like a fairy or ears like an elephant...Why? That's funny...I'd rather.....)

This way you model how you talk and you don't leave the admonishment hanging.

(If he's stroppy after that, kick them out!)

Original poster

Howblueisthesky · 22/04/2024 16:10

@Heartoverhead1 Even harder to talk to him about these things unfortunately

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BodyKeepingScore · 22/04/2024 16:10

Farahfawsett · 22/04/2024 14:25

Put your DD in front of the tv or similar, take your parents to another room and say:

"Mum, Dad, I am not prepared for DD to witness the two of you fight and give each other the silent treatment, because I don't want her to grow up thinking that is normal when it's not.

You made me suffer through that as a child and I hated it; I would be a terrible parent if I let you do the same thing to my DD, so I will not allow it to happen in my home.

It's time for you both to leave, I suggest you get marriage counselling because I see now as an adult that your methods of handling conflict within your relationship is awful; it was a terrible example for you to set me and it is not an example I will let you set for my daughter.

When you both apologise to me and to each other and seek out the guidance you clearly need for healthy relationships then maybe you can visit again."

This is an unnecessarily formal and odd way to speak to anyone...

Heartoverhead1 · 22/04/2024 16:05

You've challenged your mum on it - What's to stop you challenging your dad on it too?

kindlyensure · 22/04/2024 16:05

Urgh. How unpleasant.

I would probably get them out of my head for now.

Take your mum at her word re: the promise of no awkward silences.

Let your dad sulk for a bit.

Leave them to it.

Get on with your day.

Be neutral and polite. Go with the expectation that tonight will be fine. Don't anticipate bad behaviour. Actually, don't anticipate anything.

(Come back after and let us know if shit went down and we can advise your next steps!)

Deep breaths!

Noyesnoyes · 22/04/2024 15:56

Leave them at home and go for a meal and enjoy!

Original poster

Howblueisthesky · 22/04/2024 15:55

@Harvestfestivalknickers I know!

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Harvestfestivalknickers · 22/04/2024 15:52

Blimey they are worse than moody teenagers. Tell him to grow up!

Original poster

Howblueisthesky · 22/04/2024 15:50

Now my dad is upstairs in the spare room (where they are sleeping) listening to music and not coming down, it’s ridiculous

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Original poster

Howblueisthesky · 22/04/2024 15:48

*To NOT be the same with Dh at times

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Mischance · 22/04/2024 15:47

Howblueisthesky · 22/04/2024 15:30

@Mischance All sounds so familiar, so sorry you went through that, it’s only as an adult and especially after having my own child, that I can see how incredibly messed up some things were and I have to fight it a lot to be the same with Dh at times, so unfair

Yes - I remember how hard I worked not to let this sort of atmosphere develop in my marriage and with my children. It is hard not to sometimes when you are feeling cross with your husband.

Original poster

Howblueisthesky · 22/04/2024 15:33

I remember being pregnant and v anxious-extremely high risk pregnancy after 9 years of infertility and treatments and my mum spending most of her time telling me awful things about my dad, his anxiety and all the stresses they had, I remember my blood pressure and anxiety rising as I spent most of my time worrying about them.

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Original poster

Howblueisthesky · 22/04/2024 15:31

@shepherdsangeldelight Yes, completely. It’s hard to change your approach after years of it

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Original poster

Howblueisthesky · 22/04/2024 15:30

@Mischance All sounds so familiar, so sorry you went through that, it’s only as an adult and especially after having my own child, that I can see how incredibly messed up some things were and I have to fight it a lot to be the same with Dh at times, so unfair

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what2dooooooo · 22/04/2024 15:17

Just tell them you're not going out to eat if nobody is talking. It makes for a horrible atmosphere.

You go out to eat to relax and enjoy the meal and ambience. Why pay for something that is not going to be enjoyable?

shepherdsangeldelight · 22/04/2024 15:15

Howblueisthesky · 22/04/2024 15:09

@Harvestfestivalknickers Not sure why I find it so hard to do that!

You have had the "special training" from childhood (where you are taught that you parents are always right regardless of how badly they behave and, if you think otherwise, you are the one with the problem).

It's worth trying. Start with setting small boundaries and build up.

(fellow recipient of said "special training" here)

Mischance · 22/04/2024 15:13

Oh god, I can empathise with all this !!

My parents argued and argued and there was always an atmosphere in the house - and sometimes we children were go-betweens ... "Tell your father his dinner is ready" .... "Dad, dinner is ready" ...... "You tell your mother that if she wants to tell me dinner is ready she can do it herself" ..........

It was simply awful - I hated it all. We were treading on eggshells every minute.

Many years later, we were visiting them with our little ones and my mother wanted to go on a walk somewhere and we all wanted to go except my father - fine, no problem. But mother wanted him to come and tried persuading him to no avail. She then said to one of my DDs ... "You want grandpa to come don't you?" I saw red - no way was she manipulating my DD to get her own way! I had been similarly manipulated for 16 years. Over my dead body! I took my DD out of the room. I cannot tell you how angry I was - it was like a re-run of my childhood.

After we returned home I did not get on touch with them for some time. Eventually my father rang (which was very unusual as my Mum always rang). Mum had asked/bullied/cajoled him to ring to ask why we had not been in touch. I explained that I was not happy for my children to become involved in their arguments. They never did it again and were always sweetness and light when they were with us.

It is hard for those who have no lived experience of this to understand how deep this goes. I am a pensioner now, but it still pulls my chain in a big way!

So ... would you feel able to say to them that you are not happy with the atmosphere between them and it is making you uncomfortable; and are wondering if it is worth going out for a meal tonight if everyone is going to feel uncomfortable. I am wishing you heaps of luck and sending strength and courage your way!

Original poster

Howblueisthesky · 22/04/2024 15:09

@Harvestfestivalknickers Not sure why I find it so hard to do that!

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Harvestfestivalknickers · 22/04/2024 14:42

Put yourself first then! 'Sorry Mum, I don't feel like going out later, the mood is awful, DD has noticed it too. I think its best you and Dad go home and sort out your differences'

Original poster

Howblueisthesky · 22/04/2024 14:38

Yes unfortunately I just can’t imagine speaking to them like that, it’s what I’ve been brought up with I guess.

I just asked mum if we were still going, as expected, she looked surprised and said ‘Yes, why?’ I said because I didn’t want to sit in an awkward silence and that it wasn’t very fair to Dd and Dh to have to and she said ‘There won’t be awkward silences’ 🤷🏻‍♀️hmmm…I’m not so sure tbh, because even if she tries to cover up for it and make an effort to make it less awkward, we’ll likely be subjected to dads mood, which pisses me off as it *Is so selfish really, isn’t it?

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