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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

347 replies

StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 12:53

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:42

Itloggedmeoutagain · 22/04/2024 13:33

Why does she have to leave at 9? Is it venue policy?
If she was not anxious would dad be leaving with her? What is he going to do if you don't go? Seems a bit convenient for him if you ask me so he can go and party with his family and friends like a single childless man

Show quote history

I asked him to get a taxi booked for him & my DD from the venue to hotel & tell her the time they’d be leaving & reassure her.

He said she still has to stay until 9 even if I stay. On the day, I will tell him I want her to be able to use his phone if she wants to come home earlier. Or I will try & somehow borrow a phone so she can ring me. She knows my number.

OP posts:
Mytupenceworth · 22/04/2024 13:41

Be grateful your daughter opens up to you. You're her mum she needs to know you have her back. What may seem an annoying inconvenience to you may be an insurmountable issue for her. Be there for her she won't be 8 forever

Brefugee · 22/04/2024 13:40

it is hard but it is a lesson you are all learning. your DD has a father who is instigating all this. He can get a room and manage her anxiety about it all. You are not on the hook for this, he is.

However, if it is stressing her so much, tell him bridesmaiding is out and he needs to make alternative arrangements. I know you want to go out with your friends but maybe drop it this one time and your EX owes you one.

iamtheblcksheep · 22/04/2024 13:40

You lost me at night out.

Your Dd is more important than your friends

SpringleDingle · 22/04/2024 13:39

If it was my kid I'd not make her attend a wedding that was giving her this much anxiety. Life is full of things you HAVE to do even though they are upsetting and scary - e.g. life saving surgery (although even that you can choose to opt out of). I don't force my kid (who struggles a lot with her anxiety anyway) to do things that make her feel like this.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:38

Riverlee · 22/04/2024 13:37

She’s right. She needs her mum at a time like this.

Thank you. I feel awful now for even considering not going🥲

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:38

Cosmosforbreakfast · 22/04/2024 13:33

You made a mistake letting your ex SIL tell her she was going to be a bridesmaid, she should have asked. If your daughter doesn't want to be a bridesmaid then she doesn't have to be. If she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid then tell your ex SIL she is dropping out and will be attending as a guest. Stop these silly calls from your ex in laws winding up your daughter, that's ridiculous. Someone else's wedding is not the best day of anyone's life never mind an 8 year old's. You need to put some boundaries in place here fairly quickly.

I told her & him that. It’s an invite thing. I’ve stopped all the calls. I will see how she is with the news I’ll be going. If this doesn’t help (I think it will) then I will have to tell them she’ll just be a guest.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 22/04/2024 13:37

She’s right. She needs her mum at a time like this.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:34

Thank you all! I really appreciate all the replies. I just wasn’t sure if I would make it worse for future things. It’s so hard being a parent.

No rooms at the hotel so he’s going to ring them & see if they’ll put a bed in the room!🙄

if not, I’ll drive & collect her on the day. Either way, this will make her feel so much better about it.

OP posts:
Cosmosforbreakfast · 22/04/2024 13:33

You made a mistake letting your ex SIL tell her she was going to be a bridesmaid, she should have asked. If your daughter doesn't want to be a bridesmaid then she doesn't have to be. If she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid then tell your ex SIL she is dropping out and will be attending as a guest. Stop these silly calls from your ex in laws winding up your daughter, that's ridiculous. Someone else's wedding is not the best day of anyone's life never mind an 8 year old's. You need to put some boundaries in place here fairly quickly.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 22/04/2024 13:33

StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:24

Yes she has. She will feel better if I’m close by & she can come to me.

I’ve spoken to my ex & he said he will get me a room but she will still have to leave at 9pm.

Once it’s all booked, on the day I will say she must have full access to his phone & if she wants to leave early or is upset then I will go for her.

I’ve also reiterated (I’ve said this many times) to him that beyond manners, nothing AT ALL is to be expected- I.e he has to look after her & not tell her to play with cousins she doesn’t know.

Show quote history

Why does she have to leave at 9? Is it venue policy?
If she was not anxious would dad be leaving with her? What is he going to do if you don't go? Seems a bit convenient for him if you ask me so he can go and party with his family and friends like a single childless man

Spirallingdownwards · 22/04/2024 13:32

Sorry but I disagree. It is her dad's family wedding and she is her dad's responsibility. So he leaves and takes her to their room.

You are not hired help.

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 22/04/2024 13:30

I'd do it in a heartbeat.

She's only 8, stop worrying about what will happen in the future.

Marblessolveeverything · 22/04/2024 13:29

Honestly I would ask her, dress or no dress. Give her the out. I would.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:26

Andthereyougo · 22/04/2024 13:22

Take the room offer. Similar thing happened when my younger DD was 8. All the anxiety came out after the wedding and I was changing a vomity bed at 2am. Take a pack of mattress pads with you just in case though hopefully your dd will be ok.

Oh gosh🥲 thank you, yes I will definitely take the room. If he can’t get a room, I will have to drive there & pick her up. I can’t see another solution.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:24

AntiHop · 22/04/2024 12:57

Has your daughter said it would be helpful for you to travel with her and be in the nearby hotel? If so, do it without hesitation to alleviate her distress. She's only 8.

Yes she has. She will feel better if I’m close by & she can come to me.

I’ve spoken to my ex & he said he will get me a room but she will still have to leave at 9pm.

Once it’s all booked, on the day I will say she must have full access to his phone & if she wants to leave early or is upset then I will go for her.

I’ve also reiterated (I’ve said this many times) to him that beyond manners, nothing AT ALL is to be expected- I.e he has to look after her & not tell her to play with cousins she doesn’t know.

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 22/04/2024 13:22

Take the room offer. Similar thing happened when my younger DD was 8. All the anxiety came out after the wedding and I was changing a vomity bed at 2am. Take a pack of mattress pads with you just in case though hopefully your dd will be ok.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:20

Marblessolveeverything · 22/04/2024 13:16

Ask your daughter if she wants to do this if not then she doesn't have to. She can attend as a guest without the fuss

I would never force a child to take on a role which is optional and not important to their development.

Any issues with the ex I would be short with him asking exactly is he going to force a child. I would give no cares of a grown adult who doesn't have the empathy for their nibbling.

at the start (when it was a year away) she was excited so I didn’t have to intervene. It’s in recent months where she’s full of dread so now I can’t. The dress is bought blah blah.

I have told both her & my ex that if she’s invited to anything again, it has to go through me so i can fully find out if she wants to go & if she doesn’t, I will tell them no at the start.

OP posts:
MissUltraViolet · 22/04/2024 13:17

StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:11

i suggested this on my DD’s behalf but was swiftly told no one can upset the bride & the dresses have been bought & everything arranged.

Show quote history

Aw diddums for the bride. So what? Tell your daughters useless father to pay his sister back for the dress.

Your daughter doesn't want to do it. If she is crying constantly then I would say she REALLY doesn't want to do it. Would she likely have some fun when she is there? maybe. But if she is showing this level of fear and anxiety over it then I would be putting a stop to it.

Failing that - yes, I would go with her if it would make her feel more comfortable, not for the sake of anyone else.

TeaKitten · 22/04/2024 13:17

I’d show up and be there for my daughter. Overruling her dad and saying she wasn’t going would be the bad ‘fox’ that you are trying to avoid. Making a compromise and showing up to give your DD some reassurance when she needs you is just the right thing to do in my opinion.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:17

Spinet · 22/04/2024 13:11

I mean yeah I assumed you had reasons for not cancelling - if you can, just do it. No 8 year old needs to be in a constant state of dread and tears about anything!

My reason was that I think it’s really the thought of it & all the pressure and that she would have a nice day. Plus, I wondered if me fixing everything is making her worse.

I’m totally not bothered about my (annual🤣) night out really, just being selfish! But this totally wasn’t in any way a reason.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 22/04/2024 13:16

Ask your daughter if she wants to do this if not then she doesn't have to. She can attend as a guest without the fuss

I would never force a child to take on a role which is optional and not important to their development.

Any issues with the ex I would be short with him asking exactly is he going to force a child. I would give no cares of a grown adult who doesn't have the empathy for their nibbling.

AnxiousRabbit · 22/04/2024 13:16

Agree with PP...whoever is making the excited calls needs to back off. They probably think they are helping but they aren't so they need to be told.
She isn't going to be the centre of attention and I am sure sge will have a good time. Could she meet other cousins/bridesmaids first?

If you weren't doing anything I would say get the room. If she has a great time and decides to stay at wedding brilliant, if she wants to come back to you she can.
But if you are busy, and you think she will be fine on the day, can get the excitement dialled down, and she is comfortable with ger dad I would let him deal with it.

Reassure her....she is just going to a wedding with her Dad. She has been bought a dress...that's it. Everyone will be having pictures taken and she doesn't have to be in any pictures she doesn't Want to be. She doesn't have to have make up (they won't do much on an 8yr old). Her hair will look pretty and the hairdressers are pros so will be super quick.
She can have hers done first and go back to dad, or last.

At the end of the day she could just go to the wedding without being a bridesmaid.

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 22/04/2024 13:14

I voted YABU because you haven't intervened and told your daughter she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid - or even attend the wedding!

She's clearly distressed by the whole thing and her dad doesn't seem interested in making it better besides paying for a room...so you can babysit your own daughter when she inevitably gets too distressed to stay but I bet not until she's been forced to pose for photos

If needs be, offer to pay for the bridesmaid dress but I'd be backing my daughter up fully and making it clear whether she attends is entirely up to her and you'll support her either way.

For what it's worth, I caused ructions with my in-laws because they wanted to treat my youngest as a 'doll' by having her as a bridesmaid. She really wasn't comfortable with the dress or being centre of attention so I politely declined on her behalf, which she wanted me to do. They think I'm evil, I don't care - my daughter is more important than them.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:14

UneTasse · 22/04/2024 13:07

God almighty - your ex sounds like an enormous drip. Why is he allowing these weekly calls? Is it when she is with him or is the bride calling you? Stop the calls for a start. Do you have 50/50 with him? Why is he not managing his lunatic sister who has reduced your daughter to daily tears and anxiety over this? At this stage I would tell your ex that if anyone in his family brings up this bloody wedding again and winds her up with absolute falsehoods about “the best day of her life” (wft?) she will not be going.

She’ll be absolutely grand on the day (especially if she can go home to Mum - sorry) but everyone has to stop turning it into an enormous deal to her in the meantime.

My dd’s were bridesmaids for a family member they barely know and were quite bemused by the zoom calls with relatives asking them if they were incredibly excited about it MONTHS before the (quite modest!) wedding.

No. I have her 95% - she goes there just for the day on a weekend.

I told him to stop with the pressure months ago & rang him yesterday to tell him no more calls while my DD is there😩

OP posts: