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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

347 replies

StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 12:53

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

OP posts:
BasketsandBunnies · 22/04/2024 16:24

Your DD is 8. It is a much more important message to convey at this age that you are there for her when she is feeling scared and stressed. If she were nineteen, maybe a bit different but she is still only little and is clearly feeling well outside her comfort zone at the moment.

awrbc81 · 22/04/2024 16:21

Aw bless her, my DD is 9 and can be anxious and over think things too. Can you (or Ex) have a word with the B&G and just say your DD is quite shy/feeling nervous etc just so they can dial it down a bit? Also won't her Dad be there with her? He should be reassuring her really but if it was my DD I would go along to support her and so she could have some time out with me if she needs to. There's no point her being anxious and crying about it every day, if you can make it easier for her by being there you should.
The other option is saying she's just not doing it, B&G would probably be pissed off though

Wornoutlady · 22/04/2024 16:21

Honestly I think she'll likely be fine on the day and she will have her dad there. If you want to take the offer of a room though, do it. I doubt it will have any long term impact on your kid in terms of her expectations of your parenting, but it will show that you're supporting her, which is always good.

HospitalitySux · 22/04/2024 16:12

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 22/04/2024 16:01

So, the ex gets to just basically show off his daughter for the wedding and her mum (his ex-wife) has to give up her time to go and sit in a hotel room while everybody is having fun because he can't be bothered to make sure his daughter is happy and calm?
He can't just be a parent and look after his daughter? He basically sees her one day (one bloody day) a week and expects his ex to jump through hoops just so that he doesn't have to be a proper parent?
I'd be telling him where to go in no uncertain terms. He's taking the piss - not being 'very sensible'. It's sad that a lot of people on this thread seem to think that the OP should be pandering to her ex's ridiculous demands.
For what it's worth, OP, I think he's got a bloody nerve. Not only does he expect you to give up your one day off (and your annual (!) night out) but you're also expected to deal with the fallout and your daughter being upset about this in advance of the event.
He sounds like a complete and utter fool.

Show quote history

I mean I don't disagree with your summing up of the ex at all!

But that makes no difference to the little girl, she's not close enough to her dad to feel like he's going to be enough support for her, totally his doing by not investing in the relationship but the result is that he's not what she needs when she's needs comfort, he's never a proper parent, he has her 5% of the time, it's no wonder the DD has no trust in him.

I've been in this situation a few times and yes, he's taking the piss, or continuing to at any rate. If OP doesn't go, he's not going to suddenly become a wonderful father for the day, and more importantly it's not going to change how the DD feels. It does feel like 'pandering' to the ex's demands, oh by God it does and it's infuriating, but it's also to provide the child with some sense of security. Totally his fault this needs to happen but I've done it (muttering and huffing all the while in the ex's direction) because it was the best solution for my DD.

Sometimes the reality of being a single parent with the other parent just hopping in & out as they please and absolutely nothing to stop them.

It's shit.

AllyCart · 22/04/2024 16:03

YANBU.

Not a chance I'd sacrifice my day to sit waiting in a hotel room at your ex's behest.

If your daughter doesn't want to be a bridesmaid then you can make that bit right for her by telling her dad she doesn't want to do it.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 22/04/2024 16:03

no i wouldn't go! she either goes alone or doesn't go! she doesn't have to do it - but why should you travel all that way to facilitate it

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 22/04/2024 16:01

Delphinium20 · 22/04/2024 15:49

I think her reaction is very normal for an 8 year old, and I actually think your ex's solution to buy you a hotel room to be there for her is very sensible and a considerate thing to do as a dad. This gives her the chance to try the wedding (which she may very well have a good time at) and gives her the security to know mom is just a close walk away.

So, the ex gets to just basically show off his daughter for the wedding and her mum (his ex-wife) has to give up her time to go and sit in a hotel room while everybody is having fun because he can't be bothered to make sure his daughter is happy and calm?
He can't just be a parent and look after his daughter? He basically sees her one day (one bloody day) a week and expects his ex to jump through hoops just so that he doesn't have to be a proper parent?
I'd be telling him where to go in no uncertain terms. He's taking the piss - not being 'very sensible'. It's sad that a lot of people on this thread seem to think that the OP should be pandering to her ex's ridiculous demands.
For what it's worth, OP, I think he's got a bloody nerve. Not only does he expect you to give up your one day off (and your annual (!) night out) but you're also expected to deal with the fallout and your daughter being upset about this in advance of the event.
He sounds like a complete and utter fool.

JosiePosey · 22/04/2024 16:00

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

Pull her out of the wedding. Why make your child go through this?

godmum56 · 22/04/2024 15:59

Onepercentclub · 22/04/2024 12:59

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding

This is the first red flag. Bridesmaids should be asked, not told.

There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

Second red flag. It should be the bride and groom’s best day of their life. Not anyone else’s. Especially a child’s. I was a flower girl/bridesmaid when I was around 8/9. All I can remember is being bored.

If I were you, and this whole thing was causing my child so much distress I’d contact the bride and say “sorry but she’s not coming”. Seems incredibly unfair on your DD.

This....and make up for an eight year old? urgh

Delphinium20 · 22/04/2024 15:49

I think her reaction is very normal for an 8 year old, and I actually think your ex's solution to buy you a hotel room to be there for her is very sensible and a considerate thing to do as a dad. This gives her the chance to try the wedding (which she may very well have a good time at) and gives her the security to know mom is just a close walk away.

WallaceinAnderland · 22/04/2024 15:47

She doesn't want to do it.

Don't make her.

whistablenative · 22/04/2024 15:42

Spirallingdownwards · 22/04/2024 13:32

Sorry but I disagree. It is her dad's family wedding and she is her dad's responsibility. So he leaves and takes her to their room.

You are not hired help.

But clearly he won't.
I'd ask her, when calm, if she wants to go.
Tell her you can be there for her later in the evening & overnight.
If she still doesn't want to go then Dad can pay for the 'spare' dress.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/04/2024 15:31

@StarDolphins So many issues here.

You ask someone to be a bridesmaid, you don't tell them. Your daughter should be within her rights to say no.

However... this seems to be a pretty extreme reaction to something most 8 year old girls would be happy and excited about.

Does your daughter suffer from this kind of anxiety about other things, or is it just this wedding?

Because I think you have two problems here.

Problem 1 is that your daughter is being railroaded into something she absolutely doesn't want to do, by people who don't seem to have her best interests at heart.

And Problem 2 is that she may have some sort of mental health/anxiety issues which need to be looked into.

Brefugee · 22/04/2024 15:28

tbh if you are going to go, your ex needs to give you his room, and he can bunk up with someone else. Not put an extra bed in his room. That's bonkers.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 15:24

PoppingTomorrow · 22/04/2024 15:21

But it's ok to upset an 8 year old girl?

5am departure - what on earth time is the wedding? They'll all be shattered by the reception, surely. Sounds hellish.

I'd want the room booked the night before too TBH so she could get some sleep.

Show quote history

But that would mean 2 nights away & neither her or me would want this. Plus it would mean travelling all that way after school. She’ll falls asleep all the way there then not sleep at night so would be shattered anyway.

OP posts:
PoppingTomorrow · 22/04/2024 15:21

StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:11

i suggested this on my DD’s behalf but was swiftly told no one can upset the bride & the dresses have been bought & everything arranged.

Show quote history

But it's ok to upset an 8 year old girl?

5am departure - what on earth time is the wedding? They'll all be shattered by the reception, surely. Sounds hellish.

I'd want the room booked the night before too TBH so she could get some sleep.

Caroparo52 · 22/04/2024 15:17

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 22/04/2024 12:57

She's 8 years old. She's more important than your night out.

This 100%.. I would withoutquestio .

. She's obviously not that close to df otherwise his presence should suffice alone

Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 15:16

HungryAllTheTime894 · 22/04/2024 14:12

I don't understand why you're bending over backwards for your ex. Your DD doesn't want to do it. She is overwhelmed and it doesn't sound fun at all. The only people that will be upset if you cancel are your ex and his family. Why are you letting them dictate what you do? Why are you going the extra mile for a family you have divorced and who are obviously not very nice at all?

My DD really likes her Aunt (only sees her about 5 times a year but still) and she is the only one that isn’t telling her how she should feel about the day. If I pulled it (which I know I might have to if my solution doesn’t work for my DD) they will all massively fall out with me & my DD.

Then she will have no GP’s/Aunts etc and since I don’t have any family, I’m trying to avoid this if poss.

All her friends have an Aunt/GP’s etc & she wants them.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2024 15:10

OnigiriJones · 22/04/2024 15:06

I’m astounded you need to ask. Unbelievable.

This child has another parent there. It's unbelievable that he can't adequately parent. OP has said she's going. Stop kicking her now.

Heartoverhead1 · 22/04/2024 15:10

If my child was genuinely this upset about going, she wouldn't be going.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 15:07

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2024 14:54

She’ll be so happy when we have a chat tonight I’m sure. If he can’t get an extra bed put in his room (awkward🤣) then I will drive for her! Either way, it will be better than original plan for her.

Isn't there an AirBnB nearby or something? Bed in his room sounds intolerable!

I’m going to look later!

The thought of being offered a game of hide the sausage for old times sake by Benny Hill means that I might need my Mum to also come & stay🤣

OP posts:
OnigiriJones · 22/04/2024 15:06

I’m astounded you need to ask. Unbelievable.

HcbSS · 22/04/2024 15:06

Revelatio · 22/04/2024 13:01

Am I missing something? Surely your daughter will be with her dad, grandparents, auntie etc? Can her father not look after her there?

This! Her father ought to be her chaperone.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2024 14:54

She’ll be so happy when we have a chat tonight I’m sure. If he can’t get an extra bed put in his room (awkward🤣) then I will drive for her! Either way, it will be better than original plan for her.

Isn't there an AirBnB nearby or something? Bed in his room sounds intolerable!

BoohooWoohoo · 22/04/2024 14:34

I think that you’ve had some harsh replies.

The cousins could be much older or younger so not really playmate material.

I think it’s good that you’re going to be her support because she might have fun if she’s not worrying.

I know you’re a single parent so could have used another person to discuss this with but your dd is unaware that no or a compromise plan is a legitimate solution as weddings are an invitation and not a summons even if you’re the bride and groom.