She blames me for pneumonia

You're only human op, I'd have been really upset at such a shitty and hurtful comment too after everything.

16 year olds are notoriously often bratty and selfish arseholes, and she was probably scared. So while there may be some defence I'd want her to think about the effect her words can have, especially when they are completely over the top dramatic and incorrect. Saying "sorry for being a dick to you" goes a long way.

What a brat! You have been a fantastic mum OP, caring for her and advocating for her, and she should be thanking you, not blaming you.
Do not waste another minute doubting yourself. You have done brilliantly. I guess that you have done all this alone too, given as you never mention a dad taking over from you in the hospital to give you a break. You deserve a medal!

Rude and forgiveable under circs.

My dc are normally OK, but can get stressed and tetchy before exams. I let it wash over me. Your dd is probably stressed about gcse exams in a fortnight and lashing out.

Just act the adult here and stop letting her upset you so badly.

You are both tired and teenagers are tactless. Yours is being a particular arse because not only has she had to deal with hormones, 16+ options, GCSEs, she has also been ill. In the moment she lashed out and made it all your fault - you are her safe person, so you are the one she is going to tell she blames. Don't take it to heart op, she knows it isn't your fault.

I am a nurse (paeds) and a mum and yes she’s been very poorly and is likely weak but she is still 16 and can control what comes out of her mouth and what she said isn’t kind and you were hurt and I think I’d step back from the hair curling and just say, I understand moodiness but her pneumonia is not your fault and you won’t put up with hurtful comments and move on. I used to get sworn at and all sorts from teens on ward - we had many long term teens with various diagnoses - cf/diabetes etc and they were angry and frustrated at missing out on life but I refused to be sworn at.

I hope she’s better soon and back to her old self, it might be while till you get some ‘you time’ but it’ll be amazing when you do. Yes we as parents step up and are there for our kids in times of need but we are also people who need time out and self care to be able to provide that care (I have a child with caring needs) and it’s good to recognise you need that, it does not make you less of a parent to admit you want time. I’ve been solely caring for my son for a time recently due to his dad being poorly - Ex is usually really hands on so I’m knackered and stressed and getting on with it, but when ex is feeling better and the kids can visit I’ll be having some me time doing something nice for myself.

All of the above. You’ve all had a really horrible time and she’s angry with her situation not you.

As an aside though, after I had Covid I couldn’t bear anyone to use an aerosol spray near me, my chest immediately tightened up. Perhaps she has some similar issues.

You reacted in just the right way. You've both been through a lot - it doesn't mean she can take it out on you when you're doing everything you can. You have to be careful with your kids and their version of events. It's actually a good thing that you're aware that a little part of her blames you in some way...you need to keep reminding her of the real story or this will always be her version. It's quite scary how the mind works and the negative impact of misunderstanding the situation could really harm her and your relationship...I'd keep checking in on this.

Oh yeah that's the "absolute minimum" , @ToryHater ?
What do you think that the maximum would be then?

Ah OP. I too have a 16 year old. She occasionally says quite hurtful, ill-considered things - and she hasn't been recently seriously ill and has no looming exams (we're in Oz). It's just the age. Sounds like you handled it just fine by letting her know that it is not ok to blame or speak to you like that. You're doing great, you're a good mum. She's 16. It will pass.

She's snapping because she is weak and convalescent from a serious illness.

On the other hand you are a parent and 'not had time to see my friends, put my life and work on hold to support her and help her get well.' is the absolute minimum any parent would do

She was scared- and still is if she’s panicking about spray near her drink.

You are her mum and therefore should be both invincible and invulnerable.

Completely unreasonable and also completely normal.

Have a cuppa and a walk. Get some time to yourself. When you’re past exam times have a chat about how she is now, whether she still feels you should have known better than the doctors and if she’s suffering health anxiety as a result of her scare. She may need counselling- two weeks in hospital must have been very scary despite your presence and on top of her illness.

Stay strong op. You did everything in your power to help dd. It was a series of unfortunate events that led to the pneumonia. You couldn't have done more. 16 is a tricky age and dd is likely striking out to you because it's safe to do so.
Trust your gut. She loves you and couldn't be without you. But 16 is abitch a difficult

“This morning I was curling her hair and accidentally sprayed hair protector near her drink. “

if that was the case we’d all get pneumonia, and you’d never get an appointment with hairdressers as they’d all be in hospital.

Shes 16 and exhausted. She’s snapping because she’s moody. You are doing a great job.

I think you need to not take this to heart too much. She's still very young and had a really serious health scare, and she doesn't quite understand how pneumonia or the health care system works, and she was feeling emotional and said something hurtful. There is nothing more to it.

I had pneumonia as a child and nearly died, and I had it again as an adult and was really ill and in hospital. I was ill with the actual pneumonia for several months, but still unwell for about 6 months in total. It takes an enormous toll on you physically and psychologically. She sounds like she was unwell at a really crucial time in life, which was just bad luck, but is still struggling with that.

And it's very common to not be taken seriously as an otherwise healthy young woman. I was turned away from A & E literally coughing up blood before I was eventually hospitalised about a week later. They told me it was probably hayfever and that I could also stand to lose a bit of weight and sent me on my way (this was not the NHS, btw, I was living abroad and it was a very nice private hospital, the NHS was fab when I finally made it back to the UK). But she doesn't really understand how this works yet.

I think try to just let this slide and keep supporting her to get better and get back to normal life. It sounds like it was just one of those things that people say when they are feeling upset and stressed, but don't really mean.