She blames me for pneumonia

She has a lot on her plate. A sudden health scare, pneumonia, hospital and exam stress are a lot to deal with. She's pushing herself very hard at a time when ideally she should be resting. I'd cut her some slack right now and just go into another room and roll your eyes at the wall.

You're exhausted. Running on empty. Logically, you know you didn't cause this and you've done everything you could have to be there for her, advocate for her and support her. But it must be difficult to compute this, and put her comments in perspective, when you're so tired.

The two of you have both been (and still are being) pushed to and beyond your limits.

Personally I'd wait until the exams are over and then, when that stress is removed, have a serious chat with her about how, even when you're under pressure, it's not ok to treat people in the way she treated you.

Does school know she's been hospitalised for two weeks?

I've had to fight and advocate for resources to help myself get extra time in exams in the past. I would suggest that you gather the sicknote for her time in hospital, and a further sick note from GP for the next 4 weeks (the maximum they can prescribe) which you will have dictated to them exactly what you want it to say, namely that: "<name> is still in recovery from pneumonia, and has fatigue from her immune system fighting the ongoing infection. She is finding it difficult to concentrate for extended periods on her school work and would therefore benefit from extra time allowance in her exams." and then PUSH the exams officer, welfare team and head teacher on it, with every hint that you will go to governors if needed. They may well try to fob you off that it's too late and truth be told it IS close to the line, but the timing of your daughter's illness is not anybody's fault, it does just need prompt action from school to ensure that she has a fair chance in her exams.

It's understandable that you are both sensitive and emotional after going through troubling times. It must have been quite frightening for her to be hospitalised and struggle with her breathing and the worry and anxiety you suffered was also traumatic.

But you are the adult here and should understand that she is young and what she said was a thoughtless off the cuff remark.

You have both suffered in different ways and hopefully now she is recovering, your relationship ship will get back on an even keel.

I've had recurring bouts of pneumonia through my life.

It's exhausting. You lose your filter. Deep down you feel resentful but don't know where to aim it and it is scary. You're in pain.

Please don't take it personally. She's young and ill and it sounds like it was a fight or flight comment because something aerosol was near her drink. You can't reason with your lizard brain and she's still getting a hold of her impulse control.

If she's usually open to communication you could ask her why she feels carelessness was the cause of her pneumonia or how she feels it was avoidable by being careful, and explain that you understand it wasn't your fault and you are upset by what she said, but you appreciate it's a worrying time.

If she's not likely to be open to communication I would let bygones be bygones.

OP, she loves you so much that she felt safe blurting that out to you. It’s a difficult age, and she trusts you to be the one to look out for her and save her. Always. Like you are magic. She is likely scared and she is thinking now that she too could actually have died. Like your sister. It’s scary. And how could you do that to her, when you are her magic mum.

When in reality you did everything you could, and she knows that in her heart too. Or will when she gets older.

Goodness there is so much here . What a time you have had.

I think those tears needed to come. And probably for your daughter too. You have both had a really scary time.

Are you able to sit down together and talk about what you have both been through? sharing how tough it has been for both of you could be quite therapeutic.,

As a 40 year old now I can reflect and realise that when I was a teenager I snapped and said hurtful things to my Mum when I was feeling anxious/overwhelmed. I realised this in my early 20s and became aware of it and so could stop myself (and apologised to my Mum!).

As others have said, she’s a teenager and is probably physically and mentally vulnerable from being so unwell. You sound like a lovely Mum!

Pneumonia takes a long time to recover from. I had it mildly when I was 26 and very fit but your daughter must have had it much more severely to be hospitalised. It’s likely that she is still feeling very tired and just got snappy

You should not be EXPECTED to brush it off and forget about it, gone through hell or not. Accusing someone of putting you in hospital is serious, and hurtful. And she needs to learn that pronto while she is in this safe environment. If she gets gobby and starts throwing her weight around in the workplace, she will be out on her ear. And as you say, she has form for treating people badly and has recently lost a friend. Learning to think before you speak is a key part of life. Call it 'taking immodium for verbal diarrhoea!'

OP don't even question it. You trusted a healthcare professional, who was probably trusting his/her own judgement too, given the case he had in front of him. She then took a turn for the worse - perhaps not predictable at the time. Pneumonia in otherwise healthy teenagers is rare!
I hope that your partner has stuck up for you in this. She should not be allowed to get away with bad behaviour due to her illness/upcoming exams. A small amount of tetchiness/grumpiness = normal. Insulting your mother and blaming her for her condition = in your partner's words 'bang out of order'.
She will soon be at sixth form/old enough to work/vote/learn to drive etc. I she wants all those perks of being ore 'grown up' she needs to act more grown up. I bet she wouldn't dare backchat her teachers like that. She needs to show you some respect.

You will both be traumatised by what you’ve gone through. And with your history with your sister dying of pneumonia in the same hospital (I’m sorry for your loss) I wouldn’t be surprised if you had PTSD which is why you’ve reacted so strongly to a stroppy teen. . I think it may well be worth getting signed of from work for a bit and getting some counselling. Her pneumonia was definitely not your fault in any way and neither was her misdiagnosis but I would not personally be challenging your daughter right now as she’s also had a very rough time and is experiencing exam stress. Maybe you could do something nice as a family tonight? Get a takeaway or go out for pizza? Be kind to yourself.

Don't take it to heart. I was hospitalised with pneumonia when I was 13. We'd moved house and I had had to move schools, so it was my 3rd school in 2 years. I had a cough for ages and my mum just thought I didn't want to go to school and kept sending me in saying 'you'll never make friends if you don't go in'... Until I collapsed at home unable to breathe. I felt unwell, but even I at the time didn't realise how unwell I was. It was all very scary at the time but we laugh about the events leading up to it now 20 years later. I certainly don't hold it against her.
We all do our best as parents, we're not mind readers. She is just being a stroppy teen and probably still recovering. Give her and yourself a bit of time to process and it will hopefully all be a distant memory in a few years.

Oh and scared. Don't discount how scared she might be.

Depending on how serious it was, some talk therapy might even help. I wish I'd had some at the time.

As others have said, your dd was rude but it’s forgivable in the circumstances. It’s unsurprising that it got you - you’ve had a rough time, too.

@kiwiane is also being rude, but with no extenuating circumstances.

She's probably angry and a bit traumatised.

I nearly lost my life to pneumonia at 20 - life support the lot. I had seen the Dr twice, he'd been to our home once. It was only on the second home visit when I was light sensitive that an ambulance was called and I was blue lighted to hospital. It's no one's fault for missing it. Sometimes it doesn't present as expected and gets missed. I don't blame the Dr who was excellent and upset he'd missed or my Mum.

But at 48 it's still a pretty traumatic memory.

She’s been very rude and I would expect an apology from her

It was said in a fit of pique, it's very common for kids to 'blame' their parent for something over which they've no control to try and indicate annoyance. I think it's to test boundaries and shift power. I know I've done it as a kid. It gets a reaction. She knows it's not true that you caused her illness. It's just upset and frustration coming out.