To not go on holiday with stepchild?

The point is that your DH should treat his children equally. So yes if DSS gets lots of holidays with his mum then that should be addressed for your child.

But if your child is getting a holiday I think it's only fair your stepson gets one. You don't have to join in.

My older brother (same dads) went to Disney when he was 15 with his mum and her family.

My dad and my mum took us to haven in wales
I don't remember feeling jealous or even gave it a second thought, I do remember watching the tv because 9/11 happened and worried would he be able to get a flight home.
I was 8 years old
This shit happens.

Yanbu. He chose to have 2 children with 2 different women, and he knew that would bring different separate opportunities for both children because they will have two different families. He can’t now punish his youngest to make HIMSELF feel better!

Will he not feel an ounce of guilt if he takes one of his children away and not the other? Because that’s literally what he will be doing. He’s father to both so he should take both.

And just because your shared dc is having a holiday with their maternal grandparents, why does that even need making up for? Dss will have his own mum and maternal family to do these things with. If his maternal grandparents aren’t alive or in good health etc then that’s just one of those things. It doesn’t mean your dc’s life should be toned down or be apologised for.

Note ..step-mum.

The older child might welcome one to one time with just his Father,not his step mum being super glued to them both.

Does your DH have form for not wanting to spend 1:1 time with DSS? It seems a great opportunity for the two of them to do something age-appropriate.

Ah. Sorry, missed that bit when reading your replies. You still aren’t being unreasonable. He could still take his son away and you can have some time to yourself.

Why would you need to go with them?

That's a pity. Is there a huge disparity overall in terms of how much travelling/the kind of holidays they get, though? You said DSS does go away with his mum, whereas you and DH never go on holiday with just DS. Why does DH feel it's so unfair for DS to get a holiday that DSS isn't involved in if DSS himself also gets holidays that DS isn't included in? Surely it evens out?

This.

There is nothing stopping your DH from taking his son on a holiday just the two of them. DSS is 12, perfect age for going on holidays and doing things that they both likely enjoy. You are going with your child and parents and he could do a trip with him and his son. That is equitable.

If would enjoy the break and if l was in a financial position to go in holiday, l would go on an adult one where no kids would be around!

Honestly your Dh is being unreasonable here . He doesn't want to holiday with just his child either and is trying to guilt you into joining them.
He should take a long weekend in a theme park with his son instead as a boys weekend .

So DH feels a bit bad, but just not quite bad enough to do the parenting admin and hands on on his own. Has he ever spent much quality time one-on-one away with his DS growing up?

Sounds like he wants you there as a safe pair of hands, and maybe the thought of extended time on his own with his Ds too daunting.

I imagine the lad is at the age to appreciate solo lad time.

Does your DSS himself actually mind...? I'm sure there are some 12 year old boys who would love a trip to Disney, but there are lots who wouldn't care. If he does actually feel left out that's one thing, but don't let your DH work him up about it if he's not actually that bothered!

In that case I would happily go away just the 3 of you, although personally if i was your dh I would want to spend 1 on 1 time bonding with my child. The age gap is a big one in terms of age appropriate things you can do, and it can't be fun for a 12yo being restricted by a 5yo on their holidays. Your dh will end up being resented by his son if he doesn't make more effort.

This.

I don't think it's fair one child gets a holiday and the other doesn't. If you don't want to go let your DH take his child.

What about your step child?

I'd plan a great day out for the three of you. Maybe to a theme park that wouldn't be possible with your younger child. But it doesn't make sense for you to feel you have to do a holiday with him because the sibling is getting a holiday with GP. Does your DH think you should be taking your shared child away every time step son is on holiday with his mum?

At first I felt like yanbu but as I thought about it more, I think maybe neither of you is really being unreasonable. You just have different perspectives.

i have similar perspective to your DH (I have a 12 yo ds with ex and a 3 yo dd with dp). I’d be (maybe irrationally) sad for DS if his little sister got invited on an amazing holiday by DPs parents. Ds does have a relationship with them as we go to see them as a family so it would feel a bit odd even though it would also be odd if they invited him and I’d 100% not expect him to be invited. It’s not quite the same as your SS being taken on holiday by his maternal gps or his mum imo as your DC has no relationship with them. It’s not about fairness of totally holidays taken by each, it’s the feeling of exclusion even if it is a reasonable exclusion to have.

I think maybe your DH is feeling sad for his ds and wanting your help to ensure he still feels valued and a part of your joint family. I do get not really wanting to go on holiday without your dc but it might go a long way towards helping all of your relationships. Even if you opted out of sone aspects of the holiday and have a relaxed time sending DSS and DH off for sone quality time.

If l was child free no way would l want to go in holiday with someone else's child!
Sorry sounds brutal but true.

You aren't stopping DH from having a holiday with his son so I dont see his issue - unless he doesnt want to do all the parenting

This is all guilt and Disney Dad behaviour.

Does his son even know about the trip your 5yo is taking?

He can take his son to a theme park for a day if he feels the need to make a fuss, but a holiday is OTT.