To not go on holiday with stepchild?

I think you're being perfectly reasonable, not least because you've said that you can't afford an equivalent holiday for your stepson. If he wants to go, he can chat to his maternal grandparents.

Yes!!! Unless it’s a trip of a lifetime that you know the other child would be missing out on, it’s perfectly acceptable for separate families to holiday separately when both are going away at the same time, why wouldn’t it be.. both children are getting a holiday so what would be the problem in that? Who’s losing out?

if DSS is away with his mum, you, DH and your child can go away as a three.

if your child is away, you DH and DSS can go away as a three.

if DSS has never had alone time on holiday with you and DH since your 5 year old was born, why can’t you make the exception for him this one time, it’s a great opportunity where there’s no down side to it that I can see, so why dig your heels in?

no wonder you DH is disappointed in you.

If my oldest is away with school or friend I wouldn't take my youngest away at that time. I would wait until 4 of us can go, and mine aren't step siblings.

It would reassure dh you to care for step child but holiday is better for all 4 of you, reminding him that you wouldnt go away without step child either.

Your DH is being unreasonable. He has a perfect opportunity here to spend some real one-to-one quality time with his son, with a special father and son holiday.

I have no doubt that his son would absolutely love that.

If your DH doesn't want to do that, then that's on him, not you. And if you were to get to the bottom of it, I expect it's because your DH doesn't fancy doing 24/7 parenting for the holiday on his own, which is a poor excuse.

I would 🤷🏻‍♀️, we don't really keep track of who's been where with who. As long as we all have some time together and a break away (finances allowing).

I am in your husbands position but I can see where you are coming from.

My son goes abroad with his dad every summer. I am now married to DH and we have a daughter.

Whilst DS is away abroad, we usually do a 3 night break somewhere in the UK. So we are doing something but it is not on the same scale as an abroad holiday.

Would I go abroad without DS but with DD? No I wouldn't. However I wouldn't want her thinking we are not doing anything at all whilst DS is away.

Does my DS mind we are doing something without him? Not really, he's having the time of his life elsewhere.

Op.. I am with you. There are two aspects to this..

Your child is away for a substantial amount of time. You have child free time. You are not a 'default' parent. I bet your DH expects you to 'mother' DS whilst on holiday giving him a free ride .

My step children went in all inclusives ti Egypt, Turkey Greece etc .. whilst mine went camping but only when they were home from their other holidays..

When I had the money I would take mine away to an Airbnb etc without DH..

Just get them to plan a boys holiday and tell DH to put his big boy pants on and parent his child alone for a few days.

"How often do you go with his and not yours?"

Never as they go with their partners now but if asked I could hardly say no!

What are you on about?

OP’s parents are taking her DC on their own. OP’s DH thinks because of it, him and OP should take his son on holiday and OP doesn’t want to go on holiday without her child and why should she? She is not stopping her DH from taking his oldest on holiday.

Why shouldn’t her DH take his 12 yo son on holiday alone? Why does she need to be involved? Where is your ire towards her DH who is choosing not to spend quality alone time with his own son and wants to exclude his youngest to do so out of what he perceives as “fairness”.

It is normal for fathers and sons to do holidays alone together, using the time to bond and spend time with each other. Bet the 12 yo rather spend time alone with his dad than with his dad and OP.

I'll go against the grain here, I don't see an issue with holidaying with DH and step-son whilst younger child away. It doesn't have to be a holiday of a lifetime but a break with the 3 of you would be fine.

I have 5 children (3 from first marriage and 2 from second) and at times have gone away with different combinations. I've taken some on my own, taken the younger when the older children were at grandparents, two of the older opted to stay behind with their step dad rather than a camping trip etc.

I suppose the difference with me is that they are all my own, I don't have any step-children so it might skew my perspective. I think I might be a little miffed if my younger children were away with grandparents and DH refused to go on holiday with me and the older children. I'd think he was being difficult for the sake of it. I'd be basing it on our family set-up (uninvolved other parent, no family on older children's paternal side) and it's down to personal choice. If you feel that you wouldn't enjoy a holiday without your child, who am I to argue differently?

I think you're being unreasonable. I have a similar setup to you and dh is always coming away with my kids without his. I'd be pretty pissed off if he declared mine weren't worth the effort without his!

Having said that, I don't think you need to make up for your parents taking a child away.. your step child sounds old enough to understand they have different grandparents.

Would you be annoyed if DH used some annual leave and some holiday budget to take DSS on holiday?

I think it’s a bit twisted of him to be honest. It all sounds a bit planned out in his head to cause hurt towards you. It sounds so cold and calculated.

He should be happy for his youngest that he/she is going having a lovely exciting time with grandparents. But instead it’s stirred something in him and all he wants to do is plan a trip with you that blatantly excludes his youngest. What a weird man.

But if your child is getting a holiday I think it's only fair your stepson gets one. You don't have to join in.

I would agree with you if OP’s child was going away with his father, but he’s not. He’s going away with his maternal grandparents. So in that case dss isn’t owed a holiday by his father. There is nothing to be made up for.

If dss goes away with his maternal family, I assume you will then say OP’s child is owed a holiday on his own with his father without dss? Hmm?

No I don't think yabu in that respect. I would have thought many men would jump at the chance of a 'boys holiday' and some quality time.

We're a blended family and I love time alone with DD.

I have actually suggested he go with DSS by himself but he doesn't want to. He wants us to make a fuss of him.

Well that's convenient for him, that he doesn't have to do 100% of the fuss-making. But he 100% should. It's not an opportunity for you to abscond with DH and his DS. It's an opportunity for him to take his DS away for a special holiday. He only wants you to go to make things easier for him, or to create a unit without your joint DS, which I can see would feel weird and wrong for you. You're absolutely right not to go and he needs to take DS away himself and not be a baby, making you feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong here.

Exactly. Double standards!!

Surely there's a weekend trip your dh could take your dss on. My sons 11 and if we had a 5 year old he'd love to go do something with his dad like alton towers which normally you'd have to spend time doing age appropriate things for both but without the 5 year old they could spend just doing all the bigger rides. Then you get a weekend of peace.

Edited to add, I think your dss would also enjoy the opportunity to do soemthing alone with his dad without his little step sister and step mum there.