To not go on holiday with stepchild?

The age gap is so big that you’d think there wouldn’t be much comparing one with the other anyway (please note this is the same gap as between my ds and his younger brother who isn’t my child, so not speaking from ignorance)

Why can’t your DH take his 12 yo away alone? It’s hardly work when they’re that age!

Why doesn’t he have some lovely 121 time with his child? Seems perfect.

I wouldn’t want to go on holiday without my children, but with a child or children who weren’t mine either.

I would also be looking forward to some child free time!

Its not excluding your child if you go away when the child is already on holiday with grandparents.

And would you be saying the same thing if and when dss goes on holiday with his mum/maternal family? They could have a lovely holiday with just their shared child and not dss. I mean after all, he will already be in holiday won’t he so won’t be missing out on anything with his dad.

If you know you're not unreasonable then case closed. As you were. If your confident in your choice not sure why you're asking. And im not saying you're wrong, if you know your gut is telling you you're not wrong then go with it.

Is there not a happy medium though between going on a full-blown family holiday without your DC and entirely expecting DSS to suck it up/ not making any fuss at all? DH and I each occasionally take one child away without the other (for a special trip/ night away) and the one at home with the other parent is usually slightly treated to make up for it. Eg when I last took DS1 away for a night somewhere DS2 and DH played games DS2 likes, then got takeaway pizza and had a film night, and he was allowed to stay up a bit later than usual. So not an equivalent but at least an acknowledgement that they're not getting 'the big treat' whatever it is, and the parent at home making an effort to make them feel special too and soften the blow a bit.

For your DSS maybe you could take a day off that week to do a day trip he'd enjoy and your little one wouldn't (theme park? Show in London?) and perhaps have a couple of other more minor treats sprinkled through the week (cinema with Dad? a takeaway he fancies one night?) just to acknowledge that his half-sibling is getting a BIG treat that he isn't and that must feel hard when you're 12, even if it's entirely appropriate and just one of those things that has to be dealt with. Would definitely say it was down to your DH to do the bulk of organising and facilitating this, but I think if you can afford the annual leave it would be nice to do something with them at least one day.

OP if the holiday would mean not going with your ds later, then I understand you.
But your argument of "I wouldn't find it fun" seems a bit weak / inappropriate? In a couple one constantly has to support the other by doing things that are boring to ourselves. It clearly is bothering your DH so presuming you won't miss out on a holiday with your child, why not support him here? I am sure he would be grateful.

Thinking about it though younger DS didn't/doesn't want to go on that type of holiday either or to have his own father-son holiday to make up for it. They seemed happy with family holidays. Often they still join us on holidays bringing GFs.

That's what I was thinking @WaitingforCheese.

OH has taken oldest DS off on walking holidays since he was a teenager and as an adult. Stuff like walking up Snowdon. He loves his time with his dad. I don't want to go and frankly they don't want me there.

Without knowing your SS I can tell you the ideal outcome for him is to go away alone with his dad! No SM, no younger brother. A boys trip away will do wonders for him and will be really special esp as something his little brother isn’t getting.
I can’t believe a 12 year old would be desperate for his SM to be there.

Dad just sounds like he can’t be arsed with having to entertain him all on his own.

If your dh feels he has to make up for a holiday that is nothing to do with him, then he can take his child on holiday. There really is absolutely no need for you to go, unless as pp said he doesn't want to do all the parenting himself.

Aside from anything else, if I'm getting a child free week/ 2 weeks then I don't want to be doing something extended (like a holiday) with another child.

If your dh feels bad then it's up to him to organise something. I'd imagine your Dsd would love doing something special just him and his dad.

Nailed it.

There's a difference between a couples holiday and a family holiday @ClareBlue. Obviously no children go on couples holidays! OP doesn't want to go on a family holiday without her own child.

You have said numerous times you don't want to holiday without your child. But then say you will holiday with your partner as long as it is without his child. So you basically won't holiday without your child, if his child is there but as long as his child isn't there you have no issue with going on holiday without your shared child.
Why not just say you don't want to spend your valuable holiday time with your step son.

This.

But on top if that, is there no way you want to go with your 5yo? It's a big trip to do without you?

Go on a short break with your DH. Your DC is with grandparents and DSS can be with his Mum. I'd be looking for a romantic little city break. What about Venice?

Point this out to DH. Some years DSS gets 2 holidays while your DC only gets 1. This year your DC can have 2. One with her dgp and one with your family. DSS can have one with all of you going together.

@LittleMonks11
Would you say it was harsh if DSS family took him to Disney and DS was left at home?

i think he’d just be expected to suck it up to be honest and the double standard boils my piss

I think even if you have a great relationship with your stepson, you're not going to want to use up leave to go on holiday with him and his Dad without your own child. Options are, he stays with his Mum that week and you and DH go on a couples holiday, or his Dad takes him on holiday somewhere.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I think your DH is the one being unreasonable here laying a guilt trip when you’ve already suggested they go just the two of them.

No offense to you or your relationship with your DSS here but I bet your step son would rather just go away with his dad for a bit of father/son bonding time and he would have his dad to himself. I actually find this weird that your DH doesn’t want to do this? Do they spend much time alone together?

It would be way cheaper as well if it were just the two of them. Maybe he could even stretch to a couple of days in Paris or something and then get a day ticket to disney from there

Its not excluding your child if you go away when the child is already on holiday with grandparents.

I can see why you wouldn't want too though and would wait until later in the year when the 4 of you can go together.

I don't think you (or your DH) need to 'make up' for Grandparents taking their Grandchild away on holiday. You don't 'make up' and go on a holiday every time DSS goes with his mom or other Grandparents do you?

If DH wants to take him, fine, but I don't think you should be forced to go.

I can see your DH's point of view. Joint child is getting the holiday of a lifetime, DSS isn't. 12 year olds aren't the most emotionally mature to understand that joint DC is going with grandparents and he has grandparents of his own, and DH doesn't want DSS to feel that because he isn't he's somehow less. Less loved, less valued, less important. And I think that's why he wants you there - not for childcare but to show DSS that you both value him.

Even if your parents were willing to pay (and they have no reason to be, but if) it wouldn't work The needs and wants of a 12 year old are very different to those of a child aged five.

When I first read the OP I thought YANBU. But reflecting on it more I can see where DH is coming from and perhaps a shorter holiday focussed on DSS isn't unreasonable.

YANBU. Your kid is going away with his maternal grandparents. Your stepson also gets to go on holidays and trips with the maternal side of his family. That's fair. They won't always get to do the same things at the same time, but that's part of being a blended family. If your DH doesn't make a big deal of it, neither will the kids. If your DH starts rushing around trying to 'make it up' to DSS, he'll start thinking there's something that needs making up for, and that's when resentment starts growing.

It would perhaps be nice to take DSS to a theme park or something, just because it'd (presumably) be the school holidays and a rare chance for him to get to do something for older children that he presumably couldn't when his five year old sibling is there. Not as a way to make anything up to him though.

I think you’re being unreasonable, it would be a nice thing to do and the three of you could do things that wouldn’t be fun/possible with a younger child there

DSS has a father who CBA to take him away by himself.