Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

337 replies

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

OP posts:
Boating123 · 22/04/2024 07:06

What is the point of saying thank you in a text when they had already said thank you in person?
I don't get it.

OrionSky · 22/04/2024 07:03

Everyone says ‘thank you’ automatically as they leave. As someone above said, it’s normally done in a flurry of finding coats and goodbyes.

To say thanks the next day with a quick text shows that you’re really acknowledging the effort the meal took and are grateful. It adds a personal touch and makes the host feel appreciated. I’m always really happy to receive such a text and I’d notice if someone didn’t send one.

Petrine · 22/04/2024 07:02

I think you’re right to be disappointed OP. A text thanking you for hosting the evening is entirely appropriate.

Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 07:01

IsoldeWagner · 22/04/2024 06:08

No need for a text. A card is unnecessary.
They thanked you after the evening.
That is enough.
Move on.

Realistically though the host moves on less quickly as they are doing the washing up etc next day… It’s lovely to get a text during that process .

OnHerSolidFoundations · 22/04/2024 07:01

pinkdelight · 22/04/2024 06:58

i think it's just about humans appreciating other humans doing things for them. AND... we text the same friends who came round to thank them whenever they invite us!

THEY DID THANK YOU!

They appreciated what you did for them. You sending a text the next day is up to you. It's not mandatory and actually doesn't mean much appreciation wise, especially if you do it automatically anyway. It's just a habit. They appreciated it in the moment and they thanked you. You're being ridiculous and not actually being a great host getting all "we did all this for them and they didn't thank us enough". You did it by choice, no one made you, and - one again - they did thank you. That should be the end of it.

Clearly it does mean a lot. To many people.

OnHerSolidFoundations · 22/04/2024 06:59

Notreat · 21/04/2024 21:42

Surely saying thank you when they left is thanking you. I'm not sure why they need to thank you again the next day

Because it takes 5 seconds and will make your friend/host feel appreciated

Because it's polite

pinkdelight · 22/04/2024 06:58

i think it's just about humans appreciating other humans doing things for them. AND... we text the same friends who came round to thank them whenever they invite us!

THEY DID THANK YOU!

They appreciated what you did for them. You sending a text the next day is up to you. It's not mandatory and actually doesn't mean much appreciation wise, especially if you do it automatically anyway. It's just a habit. They appreciated it in the moment and they thanked you. You're being ridiculous and not actually being a great host getting all "we did all this for them and they didn't thank us enough". You did it by choice, no one made you, and - one again - they did thank you. That should be the end of it.

OnHerSolidFoundations · 22/04/2024 06:54

NevergonnagiveHughup · 21/04/2024 21:24

You are totally right to feel hacked off OP.

It Is absolutely rude not to follow up the next day with a thank you. Nonsense from the “if I said thanks on the way out the door that’s enough” brigade.

Really?

If you actually believe this you are totally deluded your friends think you’re mad cool and can’t wait to invite you again.

This

Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 06:54

Sunnnybunny72 · 22/04/2024 06:47

Do you all usually thank each other by text the next day for a lovely evening when you've all been out?

I’d only do this if someone had taken on the task of booking it/ inviting us all/ liaising re timing etc. But yes, if they’d done that, I would.

But going out is entirely different from organising something at your home. Most parents of my dcs’ friends send a quick “ little Johnny had a wonderful time!” text next day even for a children’s party.

OnHerSolidFoundations · 22/04/2024 06:53

I had a phone call a week later from a family member to say thanks for a lunch we cooked. Maybe your thanks are just running a bit late?

OnHerSolidFoundations · 22/04/2024 06:52

I would text and be put out too op.

Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 06:50

SmallIslander · 21/04/2024 21:13

They did thank you in person. I think that should suffice. Obviously texting is a modern method of communication so the etiquette isn't as well established. Before we had texting would you have called or written to someone after thanking them in person for a meal they hosted? I'm no specialist on this, but I would guess not?

My parents used to send flowers the following day as a thank you if it was a reasonably formal/ several course thing.

I would always send a follow up text or email simply because the thank yous at the end are normally issued in a flurry of departure and good byes when the host is retrieving people’s coats etc , and the act of thinking of them next day signifies lasting gratitude. And it’s so easy to do …. So why not ? It only had to be a line.

Sunnnybunny72 · 22/04/2024 06:47

Do you all usually thank each other by text the next day for a lovely evening when you've all been out?

BentFork · 22/04/2024 06:43

You are not being unreasonable OP.

user1497787065 · 22/04/2024 06:41

I would always text a thank you the following day. I went with four others to a friend for supper on Friday night. She is a single lady and had cooked three courses and served a lovely cheeseboard. Yes, I'm sure we had all taken gifts, wine, flowers etc but she had gone to considerable effort and expense so I would always thank by text the following day and before mobile phones would have sent a thank you note.

This may all be considered outdated but showing appreciation for someone's efforts should never become outdated.

MissSookieStackhouse · 22/04/2024 06:40

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It takes seconds to ping a text saying ‘Great to see you last night, thanks for hosting’ or words to that effect. Especially as you say they usually do this after a night out.

IsoldeWagner · 22/04/2024 06:36

Don't invite them again? Would you seriously end a friendship because people thanked you for a meal, but just didn't text?
Really?.

exomoon · 22/04/2024 06:33

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

YANBU, we always text thank you afterwards and vice versa.

Please don’t invite them again, unless they’ve reciprocated with an equally lovely meal.

Barleycat · 22/04/2024 06:24

I'd definitely send a text, would feel rude not to.

ABwithAnItch · 22/04/2024 06:22

If they said thank you when they left why do you need a text too? It sounds a bit much, I wouldn’t even think about it. I don’t have people for dinner so I can bask in the glow of a thank you text message.

WelshTattySlippers · 22/04/2024 06:17

Babycote · 22/04/2024 06:11

Oh, and to the person/people who keeps asking why it is relevant that the OP isn't British: because things like this are deeply cultural and, as she pointed out, cards in particular are a British thing.

I'm not British either and the double thanking thing is quite a British habit

OP is not British. Neither are her friends so if only the British do double thank yous why is OP upset that her non British friends only thanked her once? 🤔

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 22/04/2024 06:14

I would normally message the next day to say thank you. But I wouldn't be offended if someone didn't. I'd assume either they were busy or forgot.

leafybrew · 22/04/2024 06:12

Mrsphilmiller · 21/04/2024 21:49

Message them and say “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY THANK YOU MESSAGE??”

😅😂

Babycote · 22/04/2024 06:11

Oh, and to the person/people who keeps asking why it is relevant that the OP isn't British: because things like this are deeply cultural and, as she pointed out, cards in particular are a British thing.

I'm not British either and the double thanking thing is quite a British habit

IsoldeWagner · 22/04/2024 06:08

No need for a text. A card is unnecessary.
They thanked you after the evening.
That is enough.
Move on.