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Original poster

To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

337 replies

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

OP posts:
Whatifthehokeycokey · 22/04/2024 08:25

Are you sure they aren't going to send a card? Some of our friends still do that.

burnoutbabe · 22/04/2024 08:22

Pomegranatecarnage · 21/04/2024 21:28

In my friendship group we always say thanks on the night and then follow up with messages of thanks and appreciation the following day.

Yes we would all confirm home safely after a night out and thanks for xyz on our WhatsApp group.

NetZeroZealot · 22/04/2024 08:20

OP, is it possible they are sending a card instead?

It is good manners to send a proper thank you after someone has hosted you. Whether by phone, text, or handwritten.

Unfortunately as many PPs demonstrate on this thread good manners seem to be dying out.

Viviennemary · 22/04/2024 08:19

I would think that people would thank the next day as well. But I don't think it's necessary if they thanked you on the day. Did they bring anything?

Lollipopsicle · 22/04/2024 08:18

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 22:23

As mentioned earlier, I'm not even British and I don't do cards at all, for birthdays, Christmas etc. cards are a very British and formal thing. But I do text and I call and I reach out to people individually to show them I care and I remember. I'm in my 40s, I'm not old. I really think it's about this extra individual touch to reach out and say thank you for all the work you've put it, we've noticed it and we appreciate it. I know this is why do it. Saying thank you as you leave the house at 1am semi drunk, struggling to put your coat or shoes on... I'm sorry but it's just not the same. I don't think it's about being formal, it's about being cultured and well mannered. It's never even crossed my mind not to do it! I text to say thank you even after the evening when I didn't have fun or didn't enjoy much, because the people still made the effort

Totally agree OP. Had two couples - very good friends - round yesterday lunchtime. Lots of thanks and hugs on leaving but one text arrived an hour later thanking me again for the lovely food, how nice it was to see us again, etc. etc. Doesn't take much. I always have done it and most of my friends do too.

Heyisforhorses · 22/04/2024 08:13

When you say you text the next day and so does everyone else, I assume you send the initial text and everyone else has to follow suit or they look ungrateful. Everyone has different ways and saying thank you on the night does cover it, I wouldn't think them ungrateful or that they had a bad night, just that they aren't big texters to double up the thanks.

NoraBattysCurlers · 22/04/2024 08:10

But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening.

The OP's level of neediness to be thanked and thanked again is tedious.

We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work.

This was your choice - no one forced you to do this. Now you want to hold a gun to your guests to thank you and thank you again.

ManchesterBeatrice · 22/04/2024 08:07

I get it OP, they should have sent another thank you but people are rude nowadays sadly.

Ginmaker · 22/04/2024 08:07

DiscoBeat · 21/04/2024 21:34

When was it? We always send handwritten thanks by post, so maybe it hasn't arrived yet?

Do you live in the 1950s?!
We attend dinner parties sometimes 2/3 days a week. We host at least weekly. I'd be overrun with fucking thank you cards and spend half my life sending them out.
I'd be totally bemused by a handwritten note.

Ginmaker · 22/04/2024 08:03

OP we host in that manner regularly.
I don't expect to be thanked any more than nice comments during dinner and a thank you on leaving.
I don't expect texts the next day and rarely get them. My friends aren't big texters and i don't need constant validation.

I would expect someone else to to reciprocate in the next few months tho.

theduchessofspork · 22/04/2024 08:02

They said thank you on the night

I would follow up with a text, so I agree it’s nice, but I don’t think you can say it’s rude not to.

Horsemother · 22/04/2024 08:01

I'm one of those people. I take some wine or a gift with me. I say how lovely it is to get together and complement the food. Then I clearly thank the hosts when I'm leaving. I don't get it when people expect more than that.

jengachampion · 22/04/2024 08:00

ringoffiire · 22/04/2024 07:58

You are putting your own cultural expectations on people who do not share your culture.

This just isn't the cultural 'done thing' for your guests.

Your guests have no idea that you are expecting this or getting offended by it.

They said thank you on the night. That's the normal/ done thing for them.

Op said they normally send thank yous to the whatsapp group…

ringoffiire · 22/04/2024 07:58

You are putting your own cultural expectations on people who do not share your culture.

This just isn't the cultural 'done thing' for your guests.

Your guests have no idea that you are expecting this or getting offended by it.

They said thank you on the night. That's the normal/ done thing for them.

Sagarmatha · 22/04/2024 07:55

patchworkpal · 21/04/2024 21:38

I will start doing this with my husband

Show quote history

Go for it

WildBear · 22/04/2024 07:50

If everyone had a good time, they thanked you as they left, why is that not enough? I don't do things to be thanked multiple times... I actually cringe when people keep thanking me for something they already thanked me for!!

NeedToChangeName · 22/04/2024 07:48

This thread is a great example of how my / your way isn't necessarily the "right" way. There's more than one way to be a polite guest

Some people might argue that criticising your guests on an online public forum is poor etiquette

MooFroo · 22/04/2024 07:46

YANBU - it’s basic manners to send a thank you message after any kind of invite. I’ve taught our kids to do the same as well as take a gift to hosts house.

thank you card is OTT

fungibletoken · 22/04/2024 07:43

I normally send a "lovely to see you/thanks for xyz" text once I get home from visiting friends, but I have a number of friends who don't. Not something I would take personally as it seems it's a habit you've either picked up or you haven't - no reflection of how much they enjoyed/appreciated it, particularly if they were clearly having a good time and thanked you on the day. Sounds like a lovely evening, OP! 😊

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 22/04/2024 07:43

They may be writing cards, I suppose.
Going back to really old guides to etiquette, a letter of thanks was only required if you stayed the night.

Mouldiwarp1 · 22/04/2024 07:39

We entertain the same group regularly. Some text the following day, some don’t. They’re still vv keen to come when we invite them again so obviously enjoy themselves! I wouldn’t sweat it op, I’m sure they had a good time and you’ll get positive feedback next time you see them - and they did thank you at the time. That said, I do normally text the following day myself, particularly if it’s people I don’t know so well.

Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 07:39

Aswellisnotoneword · 22/04/2024 07:35

I'm keen to hear any expert tips on how to stop yourself yawning btw.

I kind of push it through my ears. If you looked closely you’d know I was yawning as my lips quiver wanting to part; but if you were not looking directly at me it would go under the radar. It’s kind of like silencing a fart- similar technique only different body parts.

jengachampion · 22/04/2024 07:38

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:37

Thank you for all your responses and I do appreciate all points of view. For context - I'm not even British and thank you cards are totally alien to me. "Old fashioned" does not apply to me much either... The friends in question are not British either (all of us are totally different cultures!) However, after most nights, we tend to send messages on our whatsapp group saying "it was a great night, we had so much fun. thanks for arranging xx". There was nothing today. It's nothing to do with any formality, just instinctive appreciation. And no, I don't think saying thank you as you leave is the same.... it's an automatic thank you

If the usual thing is to send thanks and no one has this time, I would feel bad - do you start off the thank you text usually? It could just be that everyone is busy and someone will send something later

Calamitousness · 22/04/2024 07:36

I usually thank on way out and text next day but I think you shouldn’t overthink this. You were happy to host. You enjoyed your evening. Your guests enjoyed their evening. They came and ate your food and drank your wine and they all thanked you for your efforts. That’s ok. Let it be and remember you offered to host you weren’t forced and you all enjoyed it and they thanked you.

Booksoverbros · 22/04/2024 07:36

If I go to someone's house and they put such effort into hosting then I 100% send a "thank you" message the next day (as do everyone I know).

It makes the host feel appreciated and like all of their hard work has been 'seen'.

There's a trend on mumsnet of portraying people as needy or "too much" in situations like this and it's bloody ridiculous.
(Mother's Day was a shit show)

Humans thrive on appreciation and gratitude and making your friends smile shouldn't be seen as a bad thing.

It's a race to the bottom on here sometimes 😑