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Original poster

To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

337 replies

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 22/04/2024 09:07

But that’s not the case for OP (or I would argue most people who host dinner parties or similar). They / we do it because they enjoy their company, and probably enjoy hosting
And therefore a thank you on the day should be enough.

A 'thank you' is that. Not saying at all would be really ride but why the need to be told yet again the next day if it's not for self-gratification.

The choice of how much one wants to put in a dinner party is theirs. Thanks shouldn't be extra just because the host made the decision to go above what is expected.

NameChangedAgainn · 22/04/2024 09:07

It wouldn't occur to me to say thank you the next day when I'd already thanked the host the night before. I've also never received a thank you text the day after a dinner party.

curiositykilledthiscat · 22/04/2024 09:03

I found people going out of their way to do things for the gratification of being complimented and thanked quite a put off. It's really about them and what they get from their efforts rather than a genuine wish to please others.

But that’s not the case for OP (or I would argue most people who host dinner parties or similar). They / we do it because they enjoy their company, and probably enjoy hosting.

LadyEloise1 · 22/04/2024 09:01

Pomegranatecarnage · 21/04/2024 21:28

In my friendship group we always say thanks on the night and then follow up with messages of thanks and appreciation the following day.

We do too.
And sometimes a thank you card.

godmum56 · 22/04/2024 08:57

Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 21:19

Each to their own but I don’t think saying thank you when you leave is enough when someone has invited you to their home and shopped, cooked and served three courses. It’s expensive to host a dinner party nowadays and takes a lot of effort.

I would usually send a text or an email thanking the host the next day, or put a thank you card through their door if they lived locally.

People are not taught good manners any more, YANBU op.

I guess the only difference here might be that if this is part of a series of meet ups, and you were filling in a gap as it were, your guests might have framed this in their minds as “regular meet up” rather than “special night out”.

I think its not that people are not taught good manners, its that some good manners have changed. Also, as others have said, I think your group saw is as the usual get together. Even in the age where dinner parties a la Margo Ledbetter was a thing, I didn't expect a next day party thank you. I haven't voted Yanbu because it seems like its not something you are used to doing and therefore had expectations.

Hippyhippybake · 22/04/2024 08:55

People who get on in life socially tend to be those who think of others and have decent manners.

Hosting a meal means quite a lot of work and expense, a thank you text takes just 30 seconds. Is there anyone who would really object to receiving a kind and affectionate text the day after hosting friends?!

vivainsomnia · 22/04/2024 08:54

I found people going out of their way to do things for the gratification of being complimented and thanked quite a put off. It's really about them and what they get from their efforts rather than a genuine wish to please others.

They said thank you and that should be enough to show their appreciation. Anything else is about your own needs for self- acknowledgment.

Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 08:53

Ginmaker · 22/04/2024 08:03

OP we host in that manner regularly.
I don't expect to be thanked any more than nice comments during dinner and a thank you on leaving.
I don't expect texts the next day and rarely get them. My friends aren't big texters and i don't need constant validation.

I would expect someone else to to reciprocate in the next few months tho.

What I find sad is that manners are being replaced by this tendency to analyse everything in pseudo-psychological terms. “Needing validation.” It’s being thanked.

So many other examples of basic good manners come under fire as “passive aggressive.”

pinkdelight · 22/04/2024 08:52
  • It doesn’t matter whether people do or don’t thank each other in their particular group. The op has said that in this group, the norm IS to thank everyone the next day. The radio silence is odd op. I’d be worried about why too.*

Some people just need things to worry about I guess.

Louloulouenna · 22/04/2024 08:49

I always text the next day - it takes just a minute and it’s nice to send through details of a restaurant you talked about or share a joke about the evening etc.

Apolloneuro · 22/04/2024 08:49

You mention yawing and hangovers. Are you actually feeling a bit insecure about your night and therefore want further reassurance it went well?

Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 08:49

curiositykilledthiscat · 22/04/2024 08:36

Saying thank you at the end of the evening when you’re very likely a bit tipsy, tired and cannot wait to get to bed, is not the same as messaging a day or two after when you have the time and clarity to send a considerate and appreciative thank you message.

It really isn’t the same.

MsLuxLisbon · 22/04/2024 08:47

NevergonnagiveHughup · 21/04/2024 21:24

You are totally right to feel hacked off OP.

It Is absolutely rude not to follow up the next day with a thank you. Nonsense from the “if I said thanks on the way out the door that’s enough” brigade.

Really?

If you actually believe this you are totally deluded your friends think you’re mad cool and can’t wait to invite you again.

You are the deluded one. What a stupid, ridiculous post.

6pence · 22/04/2024 08:46

It doesn’t matter whether people do or don’t thank each other in their particular group. The op has said that in this group, the norm IS to thank everyone the next day.
The radio silence is odd op. I’d be worried about why too.

Was it one couple who came or one and a half?

NoraBattysCurlers · 22/04/2024 08:46

abs12 · 22/04/2024 08:36

Ahhh nope, it's called manners. Try it sometime, you sound like a thug.

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@abs12 you have no manners.

The dinner guests thanked the OP. That is good manners.

There is no need to emulate Mr Collins and repeat the expressions of gratitude. It is obsequious and unnecessary.

Soozikinzii · 22/04/2024 08:41

They said thank you as they left so they did Thank you . But I wouldn't be doing it again. Alot of effort time and expense for not much thanks .

curiositykilledthiscat · 22/04/2024 08:36

Saying thank you at the end of the evening when you’re very likely a bit tipsy, tired and cannot wait to get to bed, is not the same as messaging a day or two after when you have the time and clarity to send a considerate and appreciative thank you message.

abs12 · 22/04/2024 08:36

NoraBattysCurlers · 22/04/2024 08:10

But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening.

The OP's level of neediness to be thanked and thanked again is tedious.

We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work.

This was your choice - no one forced you to do this. Now you want to hold a gun to your guests to thank you and thank you again.

Ahhh nope, it's called manners. Try it sometime, you sound like a thug.

BronwenTheBrave · 22/04/2024 08:34

Just had two different couples over for lunch & dinner on Saturday and Sunday. Two lovely fun days.
They both said thanks on the way out, and I don’t expect to hear any more from them.

pinkdelight · 22/04/2024 08:32

after most nights, we tend to send messages on our whatsapp group saying "it was a great night, we had so much fun. thanks for arranging xx". There was nothing today.

But you said that most times you all go to a restaurant, this time was unusual as one couple couldn't make it. So arguably it could be insensitive to post in the group WhatsApp saying what a great night it was when one couple wasn't able to enjoy it.

Not saying that's the reason, but it's yet another angle to overanalyse it this from, and the bottom line is it was a great night, they did have fun and they did thank you. Anything more is habit and dopamine buzz hunting at the expense of real life enjoyment.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 22/04/2024 08:31

ap1999 · 22/04/2024 05:58

It's because people are so self absorbed these days Sosospring and don't think beyond the basic manners for 'what they get' . They think just saying 'thank you' as they leave absolves them from anyone effort.

Thank goodness I have thoughtful friends who would never dream of coming to a hosted event - be that coffee ( bring some sort of biscuit:cake ) or dinner. (Bring flowers/wine/fancy cheese biscuits) ... and for something like a dinner party that requires a lot of work, a 'thank you text! the next day is the minimum I would send and if I have some, I'd pop a thank you card in the post. (Considerbly less effort than hosting)

I totally agree, basic manners seem to have disappeared these days!

abs12 · 22/04/2024 08:30

I guess manners have been lost in favour of hanging out on mumsnet.

People used to send notes amd cards to say thank you... and I'm not that old. I think that is incredibly rude not to send a quick message the next day. I'm utterly shocked most people think you're unreasonable. It takes 30 seconds to send a message to say, "Hey mumsnetter, just wanted to say thank you again for last night. Beautiful dinner and we had a fab time. Xx"

I mean what the f is wrong with people?! I send a message to the parents the day after a little kids party to say thank you for having us and equally if we host one, a message to say thanks for coming and for the gift. It ain't hard.

So, yes OP, you have a right to be miffed. But as you can see here most people don't have decent manners so for your own sanity, let it go. Xx

PuppyMonkey · 22/04/2024 08:30

We attend dinner parties sometimes 2/3 days a week. We host at least weekly

God, I do love MN sometimes.Grin

Whatifthehokeycokey · 22/04/2024 08:28

Ginmaker · 22/04/2024 08:07

Do you live in the 1950s?!
We attend dinner parties sometimes 2/3 days a week. We host at least weekly. I'd be overrun with fucking thank you cards and spend half my life sending them out.
I'd be totally bemused by a handwritten note.

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Some of my friends do this. On their personalised notepaper. The posher ones, for sure!

Babycote · 22/04/2024 08:26

WelshTattySlippers · 22/04/2024 06:17

OP is not British. Neither are her friends so if only the British do double thank yous why is OP upset that her non British friends only thanked her once? 🤔

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It's not that 'only the British do double thank yous', it's that double thanking is characteristic of British people

Like, speaking English is characteristic of British people but it doesn't mean only British people speak English. Still, the nationality of a person is relevant to a conversation about language because they are linked