To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

@Chocolatelabradorsarethebest you can enjoy hosting and still notice the spend, the tidying and clearing up afterwards. Doesn't mean you're not a great host, just wd be nice to be thanked thoughtfully via text (not card)

We are in our early 50s and have always done this. It feels very natural to me to send a message the next day saying something specific about the food or the evening. Having thought about it, we also do this when we have been out to dinner as a group. We usually exchange comments about the night out. Whether that’s a group of mixed parents from school, or a big night out with friends.

it kind of adds to the enjoyment, discussing the event the next day! I would not be offended if somebody did not text me thanks the next day. But it is pretty much normal for us. We are British by the way.

I have a few groups of friends and have noticed that the rougher (forgive the linguistic shortcut) lot don't thanks via text the next day.

It's disturbing to think that people may resent saying thanks as a pp mentioned. Why would that be?

It’s not “required.”

But because the spoken thank you is often delivered amongst the distractions of departure, it can be nice to take the time ( really a very little bit of time ) to ensure the thank you registered properly.

I think it was probably just when none of the guests bothered to do so, OP felt a bit taken for granted.

Also spoken thank yous can differ. I’ve had to speak to my dcs before when I’ve had to prompt them ( what do you say? Did you thank x for the lovely day? Etc) and it’s really frustrating when they look at their feet and mumble “ thank you.” At that point it’s worth next to nothing. I’ve told them to really make the effort to make the host feel appreciated, look them in the eyes and say unprompted and with sincerity how much you’ve enjoyed being there. They are getting much better but lots of adults are even pretty perfunctory. I’m sure if OP had something more than a “ well I’ll be off then, thanks” she wouldn’t feel so bad. But I’m guessing she got one of the standard issue departure mumbles .

Well at any rate you don’t thank solely because your motivation is wanting more cakes - any more than you don’t thank someone for letting you host them, which was your previous attempt to demonstrate that thanking is ludicrous .

I’m sure you can find a book: try Amazon.

They did say thank you!

I think some people resent saying "thank you"
You mean saying 'thank you' more than once or twice?

Thank you means 'I am grateful for what you've done for me'. Why would it be required to be said on more than one occasion if it was meant sincerely the first time?

I think your multiple mentions of how much money you spent on the evening says a lot. You either went way over the top and turned it into something far more formal than people may have expected (or that you've imagined it was), or were trying to show off and are flouncing that people haven't been falling over themselves about how amazing the night was.

Your guests did say thank you and it would be way over the top to then expect a card or something the next day too, it would never enter any of my friends minds to do that and no one would be upset in the slightest. We regularly host gatherings/dinners parties (we wouldn't call them dinner parties as that's far too formal and trying to be pretentious), we get together as friends as we enjoy each others company.

I think hosting isn't for you.

I think some people resent saying "thank you"

I always follow up with a thank you text the next day. Especially if someone has gone to a lot of effort. It's just a nice thing to do. My friends would do this too. I am British, 60s.

@Calliopespa

Is there a book or a printout? I can't manage my social life adequately.

Do I send a Thank You card to guy at work who brings me amazing home-made cakes? I think he's trying to get in my pants - I don't want to encourage that. But I don't want to discourage the cakes! What's the correct thing to do??
I need my own thread. OMG.

“Older people above 40!” 🤣

You don’t thank attendees unless it’s a charity function.

Did you formally thank them for attending your evening soiree??

I don't really understand. They did thank you on the day. How can "the silence be deafening?". I think you just have an old attitude to formal thank yous. Lots of older people above 40 have this attitude. You were thanked- time to get over it !

They said thank you

I wouldn't text the next day to say thanks again

The issue here is not that OP thought it would have been nice to receive a text, but that she was SO disappointed not to. Disappointment comes with expectations. To add emphasis to it would indicate significant expectation.

Will does it matter SO much when thanks we're already given?

I am not British and even before I stepped foot in the UK, I would send a text thanking for someone making extra effort for me..like in this case, going through the efforts of making food, etc. It does not make that effort to send that text but it shows you appreciated the effort. Noone will leave without saying thanks, that's more out of avoiding awkwardness than showing appreciation.

Part of me agrees but another part of me feels more people now actively think they are demonstrating independence of mind ( or something) by snubbing etiquette.

Hi OP, was it just one couple that came to your house in the end? The third couple could not make it?

if so, that couple may not have been in the best of form if one still had a hangover from a previous event and the other has been v busy at work. I actually wouldnt be surprised to hear that they didnt really want to go to yours on Saturday night and went along as you had invited them! I could be totally off track there of course.
They could well have been recovering yesterday - by the sounds of it at least one of them sounds to be a heavy drinker.

It may be the third couple in the group and yourselves that insitgate the thank you texts the next day,.

Another question, do ye normally go out to a restaurant when ye meet up? Perhaps with the dynamic changing is another reason for no follow up the next day.

We generally text etc the next day if it's friends that hosted - we dont always if it has been close family hosting as we would be in ongoing contact anyway.

We host dinner parties a fair bit and it's never crossed my mind to notice whether someone sends a thankyou text or not. When we get invited to dinner parties I will often message the hosts afterwards but it'll be based on our conversations rather than consciously ticking an etiquette box.

YABU . They said thank you. I would consider the effort / spending if it bothers you - it’s about the socialising!

Cards for a special meal or where host has made a special effort is what I’d do too.

But nowadays people can be a lot more entitled and think they are doing a favour by turning up and eating @Sosospring ‘s food.

I feel modern manners are in many ways overly fussy and complicated: gifts for the hostess, bringing bottles, messages of praise by text or WhatsApp, yet at the same time lacking the basic principle of reciprocity. Thank you messages are less important than actually returning the invitation.

But surely the hosts chose to do all of that.

if I host dinner it’s because I enjoy it. Not to enjoy accolades for two days.