To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

How snobby.

Effort is all relative. Cooking a 3 course meal may take the same effort to an absolutely exhausted mum hosting several people for dinner and chaos. For what it’s worth, I also offer wine to my mum friends if they want it.

Also that was the first time she’d hosted.

I wonder how many times her friends have hosted? Personally, I think taking equal shares of "doing the work" is showing more thought and appreciation for your friends, than a 2 minute text the following day.

@MariaVT65 The gatherings you describe are different to the one OP put together as in seemingly more effort and - perhaps - more expense. Also that was the first time she’d hosted.

Still disagree and think the approach of ‘needing to thank twice’ is OTT and not necessary.

My friends and I invite eachother and eachother’s little kids round for dinner sometimes. Effort goes into it of course, like shopping for ingredients and planning a meal that everyone will eat including kids. I let my house get into a mess while the kids play which I have to tidy up afterwards. Of course at the end of the evening, we thank eachother.

What we then don’t do, or need to do, is go through an ‘automatic process’ of texting eachother again the next day just to say thanks. That is because we have busy lives, we’ve already said thank you, but mostly because it was a pleasure for all of us and we are secure in our friendships. It doesn’t enter our minds that the other person is rude or ungrateful for thanking twice.

Call me old fashioned but I really, really, hate the prevailing entitled attitude that some pps have mentioned here, that just because someone wants to do something pleasant for someone else, eg they obviously wanted to host, so the thanking aspect isn’t important.

I don't think a single person has said the thanking aspect is not important.
This whole thread has focused on whether thanking verbally is sufficient for a dinner party or whether it needs to be supplemented the following day.
OP wanted a message on the group chat. Others have suggested individual text message. Someone posted an excerpt from Debretts which suggested that for a dinner party it was appropriate to send written thanks.

The only thing to take away from this is that there is no "accepted" way of doing things. In OP's case, where these sound like good friends, if she's as upset as she seems to be, I have no idea why she doesn't just raise it with them.

I do wonder whether the "we always post messages on the group chat after a night out" are always initiated by her and others just copy, or not really "thanks" but more casual chat, if they normally go for a meal out.

Call me old fashioned but I really, really, hate the prevailing entitled attitude that some pps have mentioned here, that just because someone wants to do something pleasant for someone else, eg they obviously wanted to host, so the thanking aspect isn’t important.

You could extrapolate that to any scenario where a person does something nice for someone else eg Aunt Maude really wanted to buy my dc a present so doesn’t require a thank you.

It is possible as a host to thoroughly enjoy people’s company and the overall experience of planning and cooking and serving but still find the other aspects like food shopping and washing up a bit tedious.

I think people who don’t host, don’t fully realise what goes in to it. Or people haven’t thought about what it involves. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I often receive the most thoughtful thank you messages from those who cook and entertain themselves.

Plus ingredients are expensive nowadays. We have stopped entertaining as much, because the price of everything has really shot up and it’s just not possible for anything but a very special occasion.

So yes if someone among our friendship group goes to the time, trouble and the cost of entertaining at home, then we will thank them verbally afterwards and follow up with a text or email the next day because we are truly grateful. And as that Debrett’s advice says, to allay any worries they may have had about the evening too.

I agree with pp who says it’s good to reciprocate too, and not accept too much hospitality if you are not going to return it in an equivalent way, like a meal out if you don’t want to cook yourself.

I think this is key from the OP:

" However, after most nights, we tend to send messages on our whatsapp group saying "it was a great night, we had so much fun. thanks for arranging xx". There was nothing today."

You do you and continue to get angry about absolutely nothing lol.

Yes actually. I might copy and paste it and use it every time someone posts this tedious crap!

Lol feel better now you’ve got that off your chest?

Well I can only speak for myself here of course - it just never occurred to me.

I am always very grateful to be included in social events and especially if hosted in a person's home. I express that gratitude thoroughly and most genuinely, before during and after the event - just not generally in a text. Because it never really occurred to me that the thanks I do give could be seen as not enough. My parents were hopeless socially and never taught me any of this stuff.

I'll definitely be texting in future though, I'd hate to think my host was sitting around the next day second guessing themselves.

As mentioned earlier, I'm not even British and I don't do cards at all, for birthdays, Christmas etc. cards are a very British and formal thing. But I do text and I call and I reach out to people individually to show them I care and I remember.

So there you are @Sosospring , clearly stating that there is a cultural difference between the social niceties that you feel are quite important, and those that other people might feel are important.

Your friends might be thinking, every Christmas, how rude you are for not sending them a Christmas card, but clearly they accept that despite the fact you don't send them a card, they still enjoy your company, so they put this perceived rudeness down to the fact it isn't a 'thing' in your culture, in the same way that having to thank a host twice for the same meal, just isn't a thing in their or my culture.

No, obviously I don't.
Obviously you have a choice!

"An informal supper by old friends" is giving me Hyacinth Bucket vibes 😂
Are they candlelit suppers?
Don't forget to invite the Vicar and try not to sing too loudly at poor Emmet 😁

Thanking someone with a considered message the next day is just a nice thing to do. It makes the person feel appreciated.

It’s like choosing and wrapping a birthday present with care rather than hastily sending a last-minute Amazon gift. Or handwriting and posting a birthday card rather than sending a quick WhatsApp or Facebook message. These things take a bit of effort but they make a person feel good.

I wouldn’t hold it against someone if they didn’t send a thank you message but I’ve noticed how nice it is to receive them. So I always take the time to do this myself. It’s hardly a big effort sending a message, is it?

Debretts! 🤣 Fabulous. Well ladies there we have it!

This is Debretts take on it and I agree with them!

You can take extend that argument to absurdium though. Why is a thanks on the night and a follow up text a day after the "right" level of thanks?

I think someone texting "thank your for last night delicious food and great company" shows a an insultingly minimal level of effort. I'd like at least a properly punctuated message and something that mentions something personal about the evening rather than something you could have scheduled a bot to send. Actually, given the effort you go to host a dinner party, a text is pretty casual. A phone call or a card would be better. Actually make that a text AND a phone call/card. And if you were really appreciative then you could post on social media too, so that all my friends know what a great host I am. otherwise it's as though you don't want to acknowledge my efforts in public.

As long as people thank me in some way and recipricate in the future, I'm happy. I have friends over because I like my friends, not because I want thanks. Actually I'd say the reciprication is as important as the thanks - otherwise you can start to feel taken for granted.

I find the non thanking arguments strange.

We’ve already said thank you once isn’t that enough / accusing the hosts of wanting accolades ?! Wtf. It’s a lot of work hosting and that needs to be acknowledged in the cold light of day or the host can feel abit used. What wrong with appreciating efforts made for you at minimal personal cost? If you are on mumsnet you can post “thank you for last night delicious food and great company “. Why would you not?

Yes, the entitled ones

Also the point is that the grotty little pixels have been commanded to say thank you by a sentient being who wants to … thank you!

What a strange post!

grotty little set of pixels
I think you need to have a break from your phone ;-)

Why do people say this nonsense?? Do you think posts only ever happen once on MN? That once a topic has been ‘used’ it can never be posted again? That’s there are not new users every day? That people might have missed the first thread? That more than one person can have the same experience?

What was the point of this I’ve definitely seen this posted before. ?

If this is the usual protocol, then I would be thinking what your probably thinking, but don't like to say - they didn't really enjoy themselves, probably due to hangovers or tiredness or the group atmosphere was different in a smaller group, in someones house. I would just stick to going out in future and don't worry about it anymore.

Like you, I don’t personally thank by card for a meal or dinner party, but I know some people who do and I’m always quite happy to get it. 😊