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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

337 replies

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

OP posts:
Notreat · 21/04/2024 21:42

Surely saying thank you when they left is thanking you. I'm not sure why they need to thank you again the next day

Isittimeformynapyet · 21/04/2024 21:42

Pomegranatecarnage · 21/04/2024 21:28

In my friendship group we always say thanks on the night and then follow up with messages of thanks and appreciation the following day.

Mine too.

Of course everyone says thank you as they leave, but if you've really had a great evening you'd still be grateful the next day.

I think a text afterwards feels like a more considered and genuine sign of appreciation.

I wouldn't necessarily notice if I didn't get one though.

ohtowinthelottery · 21/04/2024 21:42

I'd be miffed too. In our circle, there's always a WhatsApp 'thanks for a lovely evening and delicious food/great hospitality' message the following day, regardless of thanking the hosts as you left.
We're 60 so it may be a generation thing although we have good friends in their 40s who also message.

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 21/04/2024 21:41

YeahComeOnThen · 21/04/2024 21:29

I don't see it as a kind thing to do & it's certainly not kind if it's expected.

its not about how long it takes, its about it being entirely unnecessary between real friends

Show quote history

Each to their own. I thanked my mates for coming last night to watch my band. They all made an effort to come, said thanks at the time and again today. They wouldn't have minded me not but it's the way we are. We are all very close friends and see each other a couple of times a week and text most days.

shepherdsangeldelight · 21/04/2024 21:40

Sagarmatha · 21/04/2024 21:37

I thank anyone who feeds me in writing. Otherwise, why should they bother. It's just common courtesy.

<stops feeding children immediately>

patchworkpal · 21/04/2024 21:38

Sagarmatha · 21/04/2024 21:37

I thank anyone who feeds me in writing. Otherwise, why should they bother. It's just common courtesy.

I will start doing this with my husband

patchworkpal · 21/04/2024 21:38

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:37

Thank you for all your responses and I do appreciate all points of view. For context - I'm not even British and thank you cards are totally alien to me. "Old fashioned" does not apply to me much either... The friends in question are not British either (all of us are totally different cultures!) However, after most nights, we tend to send messages on our whatsapp group saying "it was a great night, we had so much fun. thanks for arranging xx". There was nothing today. It's nothing to do with any formality, just instinctive appreciation. And no, I don't think saying thank you as you leave is the same.... it's an automatic thank you

Have you heard from them at all? Is there a chance they've all come down ill?

shepherdsangeldelight · 21/04/2024 21:38

I wonder if your friends realised that it was a "dinner party" and not just a meal at their friends' house? Perhaps that makes a difference in the level of thanks given versus that expected?

Sagarmatha · 21/04/2024 21:37

I thank anyone who feeds me in writing. Otherwise, why should they bother. It's just common courtesy.

Original poster
Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:37

Thank you for all your responses and I do appreciate all points of view. For context - I'm not even British and thank you cards are totally alien to me. "Old fashioned" does not apply to me much either... The friends in question are not British either (all of us are totally different cultures!) However, after most nights, we tend to send messages on our whatsapp group saying "it was a great night, we had so much fun. thanks for arranging xx". There was nothing today. It's nothing to do with any formality, just instinctive appreciation. And no, I don't think saying thank you as you leave is the same.... it's an automatic thank you

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 21/04/2024 21:36

They have thanked you.

Onelifeonly · 21/04/2024 21:36

It wouldn't occur to me to say thank you again by text the next day unless I had something else I wanted to say, when I would include another thanks for the event. I usually comment favourably on the food anyway as I'm eating and then do a general thank you as I leave. The main thing is you all had a good time - that's what it is all about. Meals do take a lot of preparation but if everyone has their turn over time, then all appreciate the effort involved.

patchworkpal · 21/04/2024 21:36

Emptyheadlock · 21/04/2024 21:34

They did thank you!

It was a bloody dinner, not donation of a kidney ffs.

I'd expect a little more than a text for a kidney donation. Perhaps a postcard

DuchesseNemours · 21/04/2024 21:36

Texts the next day are always going to be about personal habit than some accepted rule about etiquette - and I agree that if the meal is part of a bit of a rota then guests may feel the best thank you is to host their own night in turn.

I am assuming you text thank yous when others hosted but it's possible that if the majority of the group don't, everyone's just kind of accepted that as the status quo.

I am, however, enjoying the few posts on here that are lecturing others on manners in a rude and insulting ways. The irony is brilliant Grin

patchworkpal · 21/04/2024 21:36

DiscoBeat · 21/04/2024 21:34

When was it? We always send handwritten thanks by post, so maybe it hasn't arrived yet?

They obviously all said thank you as they left last night

Emptyheadlock · 21/04/2024 21:34

They did thank you!

It was a bloody dinner, not donation of a kidney ffs.

EmmaEmerald · 21/04/2024 21:34

@Sosospring I just remembered something.

Last time, someone invited me over for dinner, I took a nice box of petit fours. She was very posh and rich.

my friend looked at the box and said “oh no, did you think we were cooking?”

turns out we were just getting takeaway.

I then realised her “come round for dinner“ invitation originally meant that we would get takeaway and all pay for our share?

She was embarrassed enough not to take any money. I did offer it.

It makes me wonder if I am hopelessly out of date.

This happened a few years ago and I’m now 48. She’s maybe 10 years older.

Also the last time I cooked for people, one person came round and said “oh my God, this is actual home cooking?” She was very pleased and said she’d not had it for ages! Took some home with her.

So yeah, I think we’re out of date. Sorry.

DiscoBeat · 21/04/2024 21:34

When was it? We always send handwritten thanks by post, so maybe it hasn't arrived yet?

FictionalCharacter · 21/04/2024 21:33

You say they all thanked you as they left. Why do you want to be thanked a second time?

YeahComeOnThen · 21/04/2024 21:32

FiveShelties · 21/04/2024 21:29

@YeahComeOnThen I just like to thank someone the following day especially when they have gone to a lot of trouble. Just seems to be a very small and easy thing to do to show the host just how much it was appreciated. But as the thread shows we all have different ways of doing things.

@FiveShelties thank you for your polite response.

we'll have to agree to disagree though 😄

TenderChicken · 21/04/2024 21:32

Why does the thank you only count if it comes the next day?

I get that a "thanks again" the next day is nice, but your title implies that you haven't been thanked at all, which isn't true. You all had a great time and were thanked at the end of the end of the night.

Isittimeformynapyet · 21/04/2024 21:32

Londonrach1 · 21/04/2024 21:13

Did they thank you when leaving..

"They obviously all said thank you as they left last night"

From the OP

patchworkpal · 21/04/2024 21:32

I always think the follow up thank you text is so the host knows you haven't got the shits from their cooking. They might be sending you a card or flowers OP so a bit premature to think ill of them I think

WelshTattySlippers · 21/04/2024 21:31

They all thanked you as they left. Would it have been a problem in the days without social media? If so don’t host again. I don’t see the problem myself but you obviously have a problem with it

YeahComeOnThen · 21/04/2024 21:29

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 21/04/2024 21:26

I do it because it's a kind thing to do when some has spent all day making dinner/shopping/tidying up. It takes me less than ten seconds.

Show quote history

I don't see it as a kind thing to do & it's certainly not kind if it's expected.

its not about how long it takes, its about it being entirely unnecessary between real friends