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Original poster

To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

337 replies

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

OP posts:
BotterMon · 21/04/2024 22:19

I'm with you OP. I would definitely send a Whatsapp next day to thank a host. It's a lot of work and expense, not to mention stress, to host. Manners makyth man (and woman)

Remoteaccess · 21/04/2024 22:15

Absurdgiraffe · 21/04/2024 21:21

They did thank you.

I would send a card rather than text, though.

Card is weird sorry , text next day definitely appreciated though

Teddleshon · 21/04/2024 22:12

For a formal dinner I would always write a thank you note and for something informal would always send a text the following morning. We entertain a lot and it is very rare that I don’t get a text at least.

Noyok · 21/04/2024 22:10

I have always followed up with a text,call or card to thank people for hospitality or a special treat /theatre etc . It’s definitely what we do amongst our family and friendship groups.

Maelil01 · 21/04/2024 22:10

Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 21:19

Each to their own but I don’t think saying thank you when you leave is enough when someone has invited you to their home and shopped, cooked and served three courses. It’s expensive to host a dinner party nowadays and takes a lot of effort.

I would usually send a text or an email thanking the host the next day, or put a thank you card through their door if they lived locally.

People are not taught good manners any more, YANBU op.

I guess the only difference here might be that if this is part of a series of meet ups, and you were filling in a gap as it were, your guests might have framed this in their minds as “regular meet up” rather than “special night out”.

💯
Manners are becoming a thing of the past. It’s very sad.

KindaBinding81 · 21/04/2024 22:10

I think you're massively overreacting (so I really wouldn't raise this with your friends!).

I'm also a bit confused about numbers - you say it's just three couples - I assume that includes you and DH?

If so, then was it you two, another couple plus one of the other couple, so five people?

If so, then you're upset that you didn't receive two texts to thank you the next day - one from one of the couple and one from the lone person who came?

Jeez...

Itloggedmeoutagain · 21/04/2024 22:10

They obviously all said thank you as they left last night

Why do you need more?

Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 22:07

You may get a message when people are back at their desks tomorrow morning op.

ichundich · 21/04/2024 22:04

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

I totally agree, OP. The polite thing would be to send a thank you message after getting home or the next morning. In my experience it's usually the same people who say thank / don't say thank you. Sometimes it's cultural, but English people should know better.

DGPP · 21/04/2024 22:03

I always send a follow up text the next day, even if I have said thank you as I left. I think it’s polite and nice to say thanks again and what you enjoyed. Everybody in my social circle do the same

m00rfarm · 21/04/2024 22:00

The point here is not whether you agree that they should or should not send a text (in my view they should). The point is that for every other occasion thanks have been posted on the whatsapp group - and silence for this occasion.

Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 21:57

Appreciate everyone thinks about this differently but for people asking “why would you thank them the next day as well”, usually the reason, as well as being polite and wanting to acknowledge the host’s efforts, is that it’s an opportunity to comment briefly on something you found particularly nice when there wasn’t an opportunity at the time (because of general chat) or it let’s you comment or follow up on some point of conversatio that was interrupted.

Edited to say: that makes it sound awkwardly formal but in reality would be simple like, “loved the coffee cake and here’s the link you were after”

darkchocolatecoffee · 21/04/2024 21:56

I usually send a message when I get home that day or the next day to say thank you.

Thank you at the time is the bare minimum - and I think it shows the gratitude by sending a thoughtful message like ‘thanks for having us over. We really enjoyed XX that you made - would love the recipe. Can’t wait to catch up next time’ (only if I do want the recipe!)

Out of my circle, some do this and some don’t (and I don’t take offence to those who don’t because there’s no bad intent just a different way of communication)

Moonshine5 · 21/04/2024 21:55

They thanked you

Moonshine5 · 21/04/2024 21:54

There's a classic Seinfeld episode (comedy) about this. The recipient thanks the person profusely at the time however the person is insulted not to receive further thanks.
It's ridiculous. It was a meal (with effort that you offered).

Maddy70 · 21/04/2024 21:54

They thanked you on leaving. Why would they do it a second time?

WimpoleHat · 21/04/2024 21:54

ohtowinthelottery · 21/04/2024 21:42

I'd be miffed too. In our circle, there's always a WhatsApp 'thanks for a lovely evening and delicious food/great hospitality' message the following day, regardless of thanking the hosts as you left.
We're 60 so it may be a generation thing although we have good friends in their 40s who also message.

Same here (in my 40s) - would always send a “thanks for a lovely evening” text if someone had cooked for me. And have always received one if I’ve been the host.

patchworkpal · 21/04/2024 21:51

Did you say anything controversial last night?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/04/2024 21:50

EmmaEmerald · 21/04/2024 21:13

I’ve kind of been you OP

i have learned that my ideas on thanks are old fashioned and nobody cares if you’ve cooked. I won’t be bothering again even if I do find new friends.

That’s a shame. I think it’s more your idea of formally thanking people the next day that is the old fashioned thing rather than the gratitude itself. I would always profusely thank someone for their hospitality when I leave. I wouldn’t necessary thank them again by text next day though if I was then occupied all day.

Mrsphilmiller · 21/04/2024 21:49

Message them and say “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY THANK YOU MESSAGE??”

Waitingfordoggo · 21/04/2024 21:46

I would usually send a text the next day saying ‘Thanks again for a lovely evening and the efforts you went to with the great food etc Our turn to host next time!’ But I wouldn’t be put out to not receive such a text from guests- I wouldn’t expect it.

Original poster
Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:46

exactly this @ohtowinthelottery ... exactly this.... AND we are in our 40s! And not British! i think it's just about humans appreciating other humans doing things for them. AND... we text the same friends who came round to thank them whenever they invite us!

OP posts:
pictoosh · 21/04/2024 21:45

And then there is just endless thanking.

Fgs.

They said thank you. They meant it.

IfIwasrude · 21/04/2024 21:44

I always write a note and post it.

Bumblebeeinatree · 21/04/2024 21:43

Never would expect more than a thank you on the night, hopefully the food or xxx was delicious would be nice. Anything more and I would have to be thanking them for their thanks....