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Original poster

To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

337 replies

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

OP posts:
Babycote · 22/04/2024 06:03

I host a lot of dinners for friends. Some text some send cards, some do nothing. It doesn't mean anything other than the personal culture and family background of the friend. I wouldn't read anything into it. Personally I don't bother to say thanks next day as I think it's not required and I've already said thanks in person

ap1999 · 22/04/2024 05:58

It's because people are so self absorbed these days Sosospring and don't think beyond the basic manners for 'what they get' . They think just saying 'thank you' as they leave absolves them from anyone effort.

Thank goodness I have thoughtful friends who would never dream of coming to a hosted event - be that coffee ( bring some sort of biscuit:cake ) or dinner. (Bring flowers/wine/fancy cheese biscuits) ... and for something like a dinner party that requires a lot of work, a 'thank you text! the next day is the minimum I would send and if I have some, I'd pop a thank you card in the post. (Considerbly less effort than hosting)

Snowwhite83 · 22/04/2024 05:25

I agree OP hosting is alot of work and people do know this so should send a thank you text the next day. All my friends do this.

Garlicked · 22/04/2024 02:44

I stopped sending thank you notes decades ago, when I realised I wasn't getting them back. The protocol has changed, it doesn't bother me. I really enjoy hosting and being hosted: the evening is its own reward.

margolyes · 22/04/2024 02:32

Not British. I mostly do a quick "thanks for having us " call. No more than 2 minutes. (Was lovely last night thanks again , chat chat ..... got to run was great to see everyone , thanks again,) type call. I am old though ( in my 50's). I feel rude if I dont .

RadRoach · 22/04/2024 02:28

Whoops. I never do the “second, written thank you”. Didn’t realize it was a common expectation.

Redpaisely · 22/04/2024 01:51

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 22:23

As mentioned earlier, I'm not even British and I don't do cards at all, for birthdays, Christmas etc. cards are a very British and formal thing. But I do text and I call and I reach out to people individually to show them I care and I remember. I'm in my 40s, I'm not old. I really think it's about this extra individual touch to reach out and say thank you for all the work you've put it, we've noticed it and we appreciate it. I know this is why do it. Saying thank you as you leave the house at 1am semi drunk, struggling to put your coat or shoes on... I'm sorry but it's just not the same. I don't think it's about being formal, it's about being cultured and well mannered. It's never even crossed my mind not to do it! I text to say thank you even after the evening when I didn't have fun or didn't enjoy much, because the people still made the effort

I am not sure why you keep repeating that you are not British. I would have thanked you by message next morning. So YANBU

AlohaRose · 22/04/2024 01:30

I’m still struggling to understand how many people were at this dinner party, you are three couples and one couldn’t make a scheduled date so the others came to you for dinner – so only one couple? I don’t understand why you are expecting multiple texts, surely it’s just one couple who haven’t texted? In which case it could be a genuine oversight or they are nursing their hangovers or they’ve had a ridiculously busy day?

ScubaDivingSpiderMonkey · 22/04/2024 01:07

If your group dynamic is for there always to be thanks in the group chat the next day and the day after you've hosted is the first time there's been radio silence, I can see why you'd be a bit perplexed.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/04/2024 00:53

You are wanting to be Thanked twice ?

MariaVT65 · 22/04/2024 00:49

Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 21:57

Appreciate everyone thinks about this differently but for people asking “why would you thank them the next day as well”, usually the reason, as well as being polite and wanting to acknowledge the host’s efforts, is that it’s an opportunity to comment briefly on something you found particularly nice when there wasn’t an opportunity at the time (because of general chat) or it let’s you comment or follow up on some point of conversatio that was interrupted.

Edited to say: that makes it sound awkwardly formal but in reality would be simple like, “loved the coffee cake and here’s the link you were after”

Edited

No this is all still OTT. It’s a meal at someone’s house.

MariaVT65 · 22/04/2024 00:48

I’ve definitely seen this posted before.

YABU. They thanked you. They don’t need to thank you twice.

Agapornis · 22/04/2024 00:14

Depends on the culture. In my experience, it's 50/50 whether you'll get a thank you from Dutch people. I think it's rude not to, but clearly not everyone feels the same.

Golftennis · 22/04/2024 00:13

are you French op?

@Sosospring

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/04/2024 23:24

Did they bring anything with them
Like flowers or a bottle op ?

FollowTheFuckingInstructions · 21/04/2024 23:19

FiveShelties · 21/04/2024 21:17

Before texts I would have rung or sent a thank you card.@SmallIslander

This.

AliTheMinx · 21/04/2024 23:18

YANBU. It's incredibly poor manners. Like you, I would always follow up with a text/thank you note.

PoppyCherryDog · 21/04/2024 23:15

They said thank you though. If I’d already said thank you in person then I wouldn’t say it again in a text…

Noseybookworm · 21/04/2024 22:43

They already said thank you in person. Why should they then text to thank you again? It was totally your choice to cook 3 courses from scratch and buy expensive wine!

TheaBrandt · 21/04/2024 22:25

Agree op very rude

PurplePumkin · 21/04/2024 22:24

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:37

Thank you for all your responses and I do appreciate all points of view. For context - I'm not even British and thank you cards are totally alien to me. "Old fashioned" does not apply to me much either... The friends in question are not British either (all of us are totally different cultures!) However, after most nights, we tend to send messages on our whatsapp group saying "it was a great night, we had so much fun. thanks for arranging xx". There was nothing today. It's nothing to do with any formality, just instinctive appreciation. And no, I don't think saying thank you as you leave is the same.... it's an automatic thank you

Awh maybe they thought it was a 💩 evening then. What’s not being British have to do with the price of fish?

Original poster
Sosospring · 21/04/2024 22:23

As mentioned earlier, I'm not even British and I don't do cards at all, for birthdays, Christmas etc. cards are a very British and formal thing. But I do text and I call and I reach out to people individually to show them I care and I remember. I'm in my 40s, I'm not old. I really think it's about this extra individual touch to reach out and say thank you for all the work you've put it, we've noticed it and we appreciate it. I know this is why do it. Saying thank you as you leave the house at 1am semi drunk, struggling to put your coat or shoes on... I'm sorry but it's just not the same. I don't think it's about being formal, it's about being cultured and well mannered. It's never even crossed my mind not to do it! I text to say thank you even after the evening when I didn't have fun or didn't enjoy much, because the people still made the effort

OP posts:
ouch321 · 21/04/2024 22:23

Odd thread.
They said thank you at the time.
Did it come across as insincere or something?
Otherwise there is no good reason to expect them to repeat themselves.
You sound as if you're looking for a reason to be narky with them.

BodyKeepingScore · 21/04/2024 22:21

Do you expect people to say things twice usually before you take them on board?

Tahinii · 21/04/2024 22:19

I wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t get a thank you text but equally, I always send a thank you text - either later that evening or sometime the next day. Just an extra little acknowledgement is kind. All my friends do it too.