To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

What is it with everyone resurrecting ancient threads today?

Generally speaking if I’m invited to someone’s home for dinner I pitch up with flowers, a nice bottle Of something and a treat for the host. I will thank them at the end of the evening having lavished praise on the food throughout regardless of how praiseworthy it is, because effort. Those are my defaults - unless we were particularly close I probably wouldn’t follow up the next day with a message, but for close friends or family a thankyou card or text might follow depending on the age of our host - older people seem to like cards better. I guess what I’m saying is people have their own expectations - providing folk said thank you on the night I think the OP is reading too much into the silence

If you really want a text response, you could thank them all for their company by text, they would be bound to thank you for the thanks.

They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening.

How many times do you expect to be thanked? I opened the thread expecting to be outraged on your behalf. Now I read that they thanked you at the time and that you want a further thanks.

Thats not no thanks for your efforts , that's being picky about how you were thanked and completely outside your control.

Sorry you were disappointed but I don't think they have done anything g really wrong.

They said thank you!

Good man!

Having old fashioned views about women can hardly be the equated to what you are terming old fashioned views about manners.

Manners are about showing respect and courtesy. I would hope showing those should not change.

I agree with other who say that just saying thanks on leaving is an automatic response and takes no effort or forethought. Following up the next day does.

It's not about the OP wanting multiple thanks or accolades and those saying that are completely missing the point. It's about taking a bit more time to show you appreciated what someone has done for you and the OP feeling appreciated as a result.

Quite frankly find some of the responses here a depressing reflection on how society seems ro be going.

@WhatWouldJeevesDo possibly. The author considers the 'current trend for meaningless exchange of thank you letters from small children for gifted novelties' to be a modern pain.

Nevertheless he considers a faxed thank you, 'even when handwritten', unspeakable.

No mention of texts but I suspect he considers all electronic transmission to be extremely gauche.

Conclusion. Don't bother sending a thank you as it's a massive bother. Definitely don't do it electronically lest you be considered common.

Gavel.

We host maybe 2/3 times a month and are hosted maybe a bit more.

Who? Well we moved to this country 6 years ago. We live in a small community. We made a concerted effort to make friends. We host and are hosted by a wide range of people. Friends and their partners from my book club, dog friends we've met on the beach, people we've met in the pub, work colleagues, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends! Neighbours from this house and the last two houses we lived in. We make the effort to have people here. Most of the time it's very informal with, now close friends, pizza or spaghetti bol and a crap tonne of cocktails and wine and cheese.

Other times we mix it up and invite people we don't know well but want to get to know more. Sometimes it's a full on 10 people, three courses, with people who don't know each other or are just acquaintances we think might get on ( we select carefully). We sometimes pay for caterers in that instance who take over the kitchen while we mill around with drinks.

If people make positive noises when eating, leave happy and slightly drunk and tell me they've enjoyed themselves when leaving I'm very happy. Most people come with gifts of bubbles, wine, flowers or bits for the table like a favourite cheese for the cheese board or some home made dip.

Sometimes I get a text the next day (usually to tell me how hung over they are) with a further thanks which is lovely but I would say it's about 40/50% of the time. If I don't get one I'm not at all bothered and TBH it's a ball ache having to then respond to their thanks with more thanks.

An invite back is the best thanks I can have!

Interesting that thank you letters were said to be on the increase in 1992! I wonder if that was the peak.

Out of curiosity, who are people having dinner parties with? Who are people inviting to their house?
I’m in my 30s and don’t really have ‘acquaintances’. I have very close friends, and we are very secure in our friendships*

I think it's extremely unusual to live in such a closed circle (small village where you lived all your life maybe?) that you don't have any "acquaintances".
I have acquaintances who are: recently moved in neighbours, people at work who I don't know that well, parents of my children's friends, people I know through hobby groups, friends of friends that I've not met very often.

@WhatWouldJeevesDo nope. 1992! It refers to faxes and 'mobile telephones'

Excellent! You mean 1962?

How can you not have acquaintances? Surely it’s normal to have a circle of close friends, and then a wider group of friends (who you may not have known a long time and aren’t quite so close), and then ‘acquaintances’ who you know to say hello to (through work for example).

Not everyone has their close friends living nearby. I’ve moved around a lot in life, and inviting people round for dinner (neighbours, mums you meet at the school gate, friends met through hobbies) is a nice way of getting to know people better. It doesn’t have to be formal.

Love this!
Here's the entry from my Debretts Guide to Modern Manners written 1992!

I'd probably send a text just to say great night last night, thanks again for having us... Although judging by the OP tiredness, yawns and hangovers probably didn't equate to a great night actually.

Maybe they wished you hadn't bothered so they could have stayed home.

Out of curiosity, who are people having dinner parties with? Who are people inviting to their house?

I’m in my 30s and don’t really have ‘acquaintances’. I have very close friends, and we are very secure in our friendships. If we happen to have some free time the following day, we may text eachother anyway tbh. But to be all like ‘oh thank you so much again for such a wonderful evening etc’ would actually be a bit random and formal just for that purpose alone. I might say ‘how u doing today, how’s work, do u fancy doing something next week’, but probably more informal than that, and i may say ‘thanks again for last night’.

I think this also begs a wider question of what kind of hosting or favour or anything needs several thank yous. Someone hosting a meal doesn’t need to be showered in medals. Other people do nice things for their friends too and don’t need multiple thanks or thank you cards etc.

Thank you, this is exactly the point i was trying to make. ‘Old fashioned’ can also be a negative thing, it certainly doesn’t mostly mean ‘good mannerer’. I had a go at my mum last week for having old fashioned views about women.

I agree with you OP - very bad manners. I always send a text thanking my host, companion or visitor e.g. ‘home safe and sound thanks for a lovely evening’ or ‘really nice to have spent the day together, appreciate you taking the time to come and visit’

I’d always send a thanks again message, especially if someone had made such an effort.

Yes, it is good manners and etiquette to follow up the next day and just reiterate your gratitude and appreciation to your host. In the past it would have been a card but nowadays a text, email or phone call usually suffices.
If we stay over then I always send a card in the post!

If you host I think you have to enjoy the hosting and that's the pleasure. Watching people eat your food and relax and laugh - that's the best thank you.

It is really expensive hosting, so my mates will give me nice presents or they all contribute £20 and I'll buy all the food and booze. I also take requests for food!

Just to show manners have if anything become more elaborate. This is from 1962

But some things that were once viewed as good manners are no longer considered good manners (some might even now be considered offensive).

Obviously that isn’t the case in the context of the OP, but “old fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean “good mannered”.

MariaVT65 Good manners are never out of date in my part of town