SAHM

1. Most sahms have toddlers/preschool age, not school age.
2. School is 6hrs, not 9hrs.
3. No cleaner.

But the other stuff I did between them starting school and me returning to work

1. Volunteering... Scouts, community groups, at school- pta/governor.
2. House stuff... cleaning, cooking, DIY, gardening, shopping
3. Gym/exercise
4. Appointments... for me and children. And wider family members

Then come 3pm... full on childcare again. Now I agree that working parents do a lot of stuff too.

I work part time, don’t really have to but I want to.

I absolutely HATE school runs with a passion and I need to do something else for my sanity other than just being “mum” however I understand some parents love being a SAHP and that’s great for them. Everyone is different.

Really? I do - most of my friends would/do work, at least part time. Many people give up work because they don't have family support or can't afford childcare - my childcare after I had my second was more than my wages and I earned about average.
Also flexibility- if they can have that with their job I think many more would work.

And would still work if I won the lottery, possibly for a charity or as a volunteer though.

Absolutely not, 6 months maternity leave was more than enough.

I think you'd also find OP, that if SAH was everyone's dream role, then men, who have historically had far more power than women to do as they choose, would have nabbed it for themselves long since. Some women enjoy it, and fair play to them. But the idea that being of the female sex means you automatically want a role few men would deign to do makes no sense.

I don't mean in any way to offend SAHMs, but surely a SAHM is exactly someone who is responsible for childcare and housework? What other elements of it are there?

I absolutely agree that women should do whatever suits them, their families and their circumstances, but I don't think making SAHM out to be more than it is, particularly helps.

OK, so without being antagonistic, I would be interested to know what a SAHM does during the day (I don't know how to ask that in any other way)?

I batch cook at weekends or evenings, I have a cleaner come in once a week, so I'm not sure, when my kids are in school for 9 hrs a day, whst else needs to be done?

Yes it probably is an echo chamber because I only socialise with other working people/parents.

I was at home when kids small. We need 2 incomes now and kids older. Its really thankless at home. Im glad back working now.

I find some attitudes to childcare... strange.

Being a nanny is valued more than being a childminder or nursery worker.

All of those are valued more than the mother caring for their child (actively full time)

But nurseries etc are not seen as completely positive places.

It comes back to the old story... charterer choice we make.. its wrong. Its work to send them to nursery.... and its wrong to look after them yourself. Its wrong to impose on grandparents, even if they volunteer.
Oh, and closing not to have children is also wrong....

And then housework. Apparently a SAHM should concentrate on the children... but expecting a working partner to do anything but the bare minimum is wrong. But they should do 50%.

Everything is wrong.

I find it disturbing that anyone would replace the term SAHM with 'child care and housework' when in reality it is much more than that.
Women have fought, and are fighting for, choice in their lives - how is putting down another woman's choice in any way helpful or constructive? We should all be free to do what works for us, our families, our careers, and within what our own circumstances allow (financially, for example).

I just find the thread disturbing, that anyone would actually think that women given a choice between career or child care and house work would pick the latter.

it’s the sort of thing I expect men in the 50s said.

Wow, there’s no need to denigrate SAHM - I thought we were discussing OUR experiences?

Id rather my child had the choice to be where they felt fulfilled and not have the piss taken out of them (all house/childwork) which both sets of mothers face.

I love working under my parameters but I have choices, i might not feel the same if I was low paid, full time also doing all wife work.

(not rich at all btw, only just replaced my 15 year old car, comfortable I guess.)

SAHM here with youngest about to go to school. As a previous poster said there are so many different types of SAHM setup. Full time baby / toddler / 2nd pregnancy / combo of both 24/7 was for me the hardest time of my life (throw in a big house move and Covid too just to make it harder). Very fulfilling and some brilliant memories but still hard.not much time for housework, gardening etc!

However, since my eldest has been at school and youngest at preschool and I have a few hours to myself,my role has evolved and I have grown to hugely resent it which has surprised me. I don’t want to come home and choose between doing the food shop / hoovering the car / weeding / cleaning the oven, changing the beds, washing etc etc or any number of hundreds of domestic tasks that I feel fall on me as the one that doesn’t work. I look forward to picking my children up as it’s a distraction and what I feel that I signed up for - the parenting part. I actually volunteer in some of my free hours because I can’t face coming home to the drudgery of it all. Having my partner sat upstairs working makes me feel even worse.

I’ve dug a huge unemployable hole for myself over the past few years whilst my partner has forged a successful, exciting and mostly enjoyable career and resentment from me is starting to build. I need to get back to work asap and I’m even thinking about jumping in with almost full time. Somehow we all need to see me as someone other than housekeeper and it’s going to be so hard to undo years of conditioning that it’s all ‘MY’ job..

(edit to say that of course some people are happy and fulfilled running the home, doing the gardening etc and that’s great I’ve just learned over the years that this isn’t for me)

If you're an adult woman who knows other women, reads MN, observes people around you, you must already know that they wouldn't. Lots of women really dislike being stuck in the domestic sphere looking after small children, and enjoy doing something they find more rewarding, having financial independence, a life of their own.
I could say how can women bear to face another day of cleaning and childcare with no autonomy, every minute dictated by the needs of their children, when they could be jumping on a train into work to do a job they love in adult company, and getting praised and paid for it. But I wouldn't, because I know not everyone is me, not everyone likes working and some women are happy at home.

No, odd that you think a SAHM cannot be ambitious and achieve things.
You do realise there is more to life than career progression?
My mum was proud of me when I achieved my degree, my PhD, when I got a good job, when I bought my first flat (with no outside help) and also when I chose to become a SAHM.
Regarding friends having the same views, are you familiar with the term 'echo chamber'?

Odd that I want my daughters to be ambitious and achieve? Yes how odd.

Seriously, in real life, my friends all hold these values close to their hearts - but maybe that's why we're friends.

What would possess you to think that staying home and raising kids and cleaning is what women really want to do??

That is what some women want to do, and also some men (though admittedly a lot less). There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to do that, just as there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting a career, or wanting a balance between both.

Because your comment is steeped in mysogyny, why would a woman not want to work, but a man would? Why didn’t you write that anyone given a choice would chose to stay home and do child rearing or cleaning? Rather than have a career?

why would you think all women are like this? Some of us enjoy work, being financially independent, or we trained hard, or worked for our career. What would possess you to think thay staying home and raising kids and cleaning is what women really want to do??

If I had the money to also use childcare in the holidays to give us all a break I probably wouldn't work, maybe one day a week for a change of scenery but definitely not the 4 days I do now.

I would have time to run and gym whilst they were at school and be able to keep the house tidy and clean. At the minute the house suffers because I'm at work as well as trying to fit in the gym and running. Although in my dreams I can also afford a housekeeper/nanny who will do the drop offs, come back, clean and tidy, cook dinner and then they can clock off and I can do the pick ups and spend time with the kids in the evening.

I'm rich enough to pay them a high salary like 50K a year and maybe I'll even throw in a car too. Maybe I would have an annexe they could live in for free and just pay for their bills.

Sadly not going to happen but I would love it if it were possible. I would have so much more time!

Well said @RosieIs44!

Who said that going for coffee and/or using a gym ARE massive economic contributions though?

Apologies, my mistake. I think most of us would like to have more time at home in the early years and that's why many go back part time? I can see both sides; the financial independence and reward of working, on the other hand having the opportunity to be a sahm (which isn't an easy ride in itself) had its benefits. I suppose it all comes down to individual circumstances, including finances and personal choices. Xx

I agree.
There are some really odd opinions on this thread.
I don't really read actual books these days but I love audio books - through my local library I can hire books via an app and it's all free! I have lots of other hobbies, which cost varying amounts, however the free/cheap ones are no less fun that the ones which cost more!

You'd be disappointed that your daughters were able to freely choose what to do with their own lives, and made a decision which work(s)/(ed) for their family situation? How odd.