SAHM

@walnutcoffeecake TBF, I’ve seen some parents whose children might be a bit happier if they weren’t around them 24/7.

And some parents who would have more care and patience if they had something else in their life outside of 24/7 parenthood.

It’s not as simple as ‘why have kids if you need to be away from them’.

I dont get some people they want kids have kids but then dont want to take care of their responsibility.
Going to work is great but some hate being parents and spend as much time as they can away.
GPs have to step in most of the time when they say no parents get angry with them then moan over the school holidays being so long.
And the price of child care.
But this is all something that should have been thought off at the start.
Would half the parents have children now if they knew what life would be like.

@SouthLondonMum22 that's so true 🙂

I love this and I'm very glad to hear this kind of story.

I work as a lawyer and have seen many male colleagues with a partner who was a SAHM (I don't know anyone with a SAHD) so, on a personal level, it is difficult being compared to men in the office who can obviously put in longer hours and not need to contribute 50% at home. There are repercussions for everyone. That's just my view and personal experience.

You could say that about 99% of things on AIBU.

I would never give up. I have worked as a full time NHS consultant since before having kids. We used a nursery but most importantly my husband worked full time too but we shared simply every task equally. I was senior enough to be flexible with work so missed no school events. I am also super-organised which helps.

I have no regrets. I have a brilliant relationship with my young adults kids at university and am financially secure.

I am actually quite proud of what we managed to juggle and achieve. And I am glad to have done my bit to reduce the gender pay gap (something which I have realised most on MN don’t care about).

Staying at home was ‘easier’ but not that rewarding. My work can be beyond stressful and I have worked so so hard, but it’s rewarding and I feel like I am doing good for others. And the skills I develop at work have made me a better parent in many ways.

I feel privileged and would never give up work if I remain healthy. And my kids have witnessed a truly equal relationship and division of labour.

Dear God no. I worked part-time after my DD was born and I hated it. Back to full time now and I love it.

My god no! My job is stressful but rewarding and if you told me I had to stay at home with my kids I would lose my mind. I did it during lockdown I was furloughed for 3 months - I was amazing walks everyday, homeschooling, cooking but I was thrilled to get back to work even having to juggle it with homeschooling.

@spriots oh ok - I think I get what you mean.

The kind of work you describe wealthy people choosing to do isn't real work though. It's almost always either running vanity businesses or being a figure head for a charity. I think for many this is ideal as it does provide that sense of purpose you reference and gives you status and importance. Not many choose to become an IT project manager or receptionist though.

It's almost like saying would you be a SAHP if you also had a nanny and cleaner etc. You would be essentially fulfilling a role whilst outsourcing all the unpleasant and difficult bits.

@Needmorelego I was agreeing with you that a lot of people work when they don't "need" the money. They do something important to them - e.g. sport, philanthropy, something creative.

When people have the choice, they actually don't usually choose not to have an occupation

@spriots I don't understand your point.
Zara Tindall is a professional sports woman - you can do that even if you come from a "modest" backgrounds (for example Tom Daley isn't from the Upper Class and he is a professional sportsman). She was a professional sportswomen before she had children or married. Yes she's from a wealthy background but do you question why her brother works? Not sure what he does - I think event planning? He's from a wealthy background too.
Sam Cam - do you mean Samantha Cameron?Doesn't she run a stationary business? Not really "niche".
I don't know who the other person is.

I agree that it's interesting to see what really wealthy women choose to do.

It's hardly ever that they choose to change every nappy, be with their children 24/7 and do all their own housework

They almost always have a nanny or two and pursue a passion project like charity work or a niche business

To pick some examples - Lady Edwina Grosvenor, Zara Tindall, Sam Cam

What I really don't understand about whole SAHP vs working parent debate is.....
why do people care what other people choose to do with their lives so much?
Why do we have to debate it or defend our choice.
Does it matter?

Honestly sahp of school aged kids are so so much happier.

I find it so odd when people generalise about millions of people based on their own experience. It is an arrogant or ignorant attitude.

I think a surprising amount of people would choose to work if they didn't have to. Which is bourn out by the number of financially free women who do just that, upper class women who open small businesses or work for charities, women who've made enough money to retire in luxury but choose instead to continue their work. I think when people ponder this question and conclude that 'few' work from choice, they are thinking of their own unsatisfying jobs rather than the concept of occupation in general. Most human beings are happiest when they have an occupation to give them purpose, and heighten the pleasure of leisure by providing contrast. Some women get that from working at caring for their children and running their home. For others its not enough and they need another occupation as well.

I have a 4 week old, she’s my world. I’ve been on mat leave for 6 weeks.

I really miss work. So no, I wouldn’t be a SAHM. I don’t want to go back earlier than I have to because I think this time with her is important. But even if I won the lottery I would only drop to part time.

Oh, the faux naivety! What on earth are those silly SAHPs doing that can't be achieved in a few hours of batch cooking and through hiring a cleaner once a week, especially when their kids are in school 9!!! hours a day.

I voted YABU OP because I think lots of women don't want to be SAHPs in the traditional sense. I think a more interesting question would be how many people would choose to work if they didn't have to and there was no financial benefit to doing so. I often see an argument being made about needing financial independence and people not being suited to being a SAHP assuming this means doing more housework and childcare but what if people had the choice to simply not work without all the other aspects of being a SAHP?

"I don't mean in any way to offend SAHMs, but surely a SAHM is exactly someone who is responsible for childcare and housework? What other elements of it are there?

I absolutely agree that women should do whatever suits them, their families and their circumstances, but I don't think making SAHM out to be more than it is, particularly helps. @shepherdsangeldelight"

No offence taken but as a SAHM I don't really view it as childcare in the same way as, say, being a paid babysitter or nursery worker is. I view it as full time parenting, so nurturing the bond, shaping their personalities and bringing out their best selves (sorry, I'm aware that sounds cringey but it's how I see it!).

I gave up a very high paid job to be home with DC because in my mind being around full time for my DC's early years is a special twice-in-a-lifetime experience and there's no-one in the planet better suited to looking after my DC than me. I would never in a million years have made the choice to give up my job to be a nanny or nursery worker - because those are just other jobs. They are admirable jobs for sure, but childcare isn't parenting and it's the parenting part that matters to me.

I can fully see how staying at home isn't right for everyone though and I know many children really flourish at nursery so I can easily see why many people would prefer to work.

No, being a SAHM is not for me. I adore my job and went back after 6 month maternity leave. I would also continue to work if I won the lottery. My DH (who took the following 6 month parental leave) however would be a SAHD if we could afford to and would give up work if he won the lottery.

I recently discovered DH and his colleagues have nerf guns in their offices and have impromptu battles.
I would argue I got more intelligent conversation from my young children

True!

@Emm36801 to be honest there's a lot of jobs where I really can't figure out what people are actually doing all day while there 😂

@Emm36801 my daughter has never gone to school for 9 hours a day - just the usual 6 !
So - for your curiosity - my SAHM day when she was in primary school.
(times approx)
8.45 am - leave for school.
9.00 - 11.00 am - depending on day I might do volunteer reading sessions at the school, meet other PTA members and plan for events, help sort out donated books for the library or secondhand uniforms, help with craft sessions at the school.
11.00 am either do household shopping/housework etc
12 ish have some lunch.
12.30 - 2.30 pm - various things depending on mood. Maybe read, craft, go for a walk. Sometimes organise things for events I am involved in or go to charity shops to source things that can be used for the various events I was involved in.
2.45 pm head to school to pick her up.

The volunteering sounds great (and I'm a school governor too).

My kids are at school for 9hrs per day.

I guess the other stuff we just do at weekends / evenings