SAHM

@KeinLiebeslied54321

Its a fair challenge: it’s obviously not always the man who ends a marriage (in fact in most cases it’s probably not).

But it is undeniable that it’s the women who are disproportionately impacted by it. People talk about “family money” and how everyone shares everything and that works well enough when things are ticking along but it’s remarkable how fast this can unravel when a relationship breaks down and even being married doesn’t prevent a woman from experiencing several years of economic hardship.

I just think that the benefits of being at home are very clear when you are run ragged with tiny children and trying to fit in a full time job. But the cost of being long term unemployed and increasingly unemployable because you have had years off are something women still don’t understand clearly enough. It can be a very stark situation to find yourself in if a marriage breaks down.

I was a SAHM when my DC were tiny. I enjoyed it, but honestly I feel happier and more fulfilled since being back at work. I think part time is ideal if it's an option.

When relationships fail (for reasons other than just him 'wanting out') finances generally suffer anyway though, for both parties.
I would also suggest that even a 'happy' SAHM should always consider if/how she could be employed, if need be, for a whole host of reasons (break up, ill health/death of partner, increased outgoings/bills etc).

Personally working is great if you've got a job/career you enjoy, nice colleagues/company and it's well paid.

Frankly for me to work full time it would have to cover costs for a cleaner and gardener as well as the childcare. I would also have needed to chose a better more equal partner.

It was very important to me that my DC did extracurriculars. They both did and even from a young age there was considerable commitment and time required. We could not have managed this if both working full time.

I will admit that I missed out on building my pension which I regret but I should have prioritised my part time savings into my pension.

Same here. We're all different but don't understand the need to be "financially independent" or to find it dull. It was the best 8 years of my life. Yes, it was hard but I wouldn't change a thing.

No. You must know some pretty dim bulbs.

@KeinLiebeslied54321

Many SAHM are actually responsible for family budgeting though, not slaves to the pittance their partner provides

Thats probably true. But it’s all hunky dory until he decides he wants out. Then the SAHM is budgeting with a much smaller pool of money.

I went back to work early from maternity as looking after a baby full time was making my brains melt and dribble out of my ears I was so bored!

If I won the lottery I wouldn’t necessarily do my job but I certainly would do something productive and it wouldn’t involve mummy and baby groups or nappies 😂.

I have great respect for anyone able to be a SAHM but it wasn’t for me!

I think something that isn't helping here for some people is home working - a lot of women now trying to hold down full time jobs at the same time as looking after their children.

We don't do that - even though we WFH for part of the week, we still use wraparound and holiday clubs. I recognise we are fortunate to be able to afford it and to have children who are very happy to go.

But I see lots of posters talking about juggling both work and childcare at the same time, catching up in the evening etc and I always think that sounds incredibly stressful and maybe things were actually better when it wasn't an option.

I take my hat off to women of today who are supposed to have it all - relationship, family, career - but actually no one can have it all and something has to give.

Do people tell your husband he can’t “have it all”? I would be prepared to bet good money that they don’t.

I know what you mean, of course I do and I don’t think you are doing this deliberately, it’s just something you have heard and picked up.

But actually that little phrase “have it all” is so damaging and belittling and misogynistic because it assumes that women wanting control over their financial autonomy are being greedy and damaging their families when this is never levelled at men who work.

The solution to women having too much to do isn’t to just shrink back into the domestic realm. It’s to force the men to step up domestically.

Many SAHM are actually responsible for family budgeting though, not slaves to the pittance their partner provides. Any decision involving one parent potentially becoming the "stay at home parent', or regarding working hours/income in general, should involve discussions about shared family finances and responsibilities in general.

I didn't have to work. I went back at four and five months pt each time, and not as a high earner. NHS. Childcare fees took the equivalent of my salary for over two years.
21 years ago now, never a single regret.

I expect there's a lot of difference between those who have careers vs those who have jobs.
A job and a career are not the same thing.

That's fair enough, academia and study isn't for everyone (and I say that as someone with a degree abd a PhD who also loves being a SAHM). If you're happy and feel useful doing what you are doing, and OH is also on board with that, then it doesn't matter what others think.

I'm with you there. I was a SAHM until my youngest was about 10. And I loved it. I did all the house and kid stuff, including DIY and gardening etc, my husband did all the providing. I still struggled when I went back to work (feeling I was neglecting them, yes really) but the money was handy. I take my hat off to women of today who are supposed to have it all - relationship, family, career - but actually no one can have it all and something has to give. I wonder if the pressure of it all is the reason that so very many marriages fall apart?

This is definitely true: most women, whether working or not, do the lion’s share of the domestic work.

But you don’t increase your bargaining power here by becoming a SAHM. If anything you give your husband or partner leverage to argue that it’s your natural role.

If you’re not working and he earns all the money you have no leverage.

Being a sahm is the hardest unpaid job in the world.

Not at all - I would opt to work every. Single. Time!!!

Love my kids to bits but SAHM life is not for me. I like adult conversation, carving out my own peice of the world separate from my husband and kids. Another purpose other than just being a mum and wife.

I don’t disagree with a lot of the above but it’s your language that is problematic.

’ together due to love rather than tied by financial reasons’

this statement suggests that others are in loveless marriages, tied by financial dependence. I’m sure these do exist but there are also MANY relationships where one partner is earning less outside the home and they are very happy in their set up.

You need to find a way to embrace your decision without tearing others down.

Yes, I’ve seen some of my friends struggling with this.

A good home share balance makes all the difference tbh, DH and I both manage the house/kids it’s no one’s sole responsibility.

It means more fun time for DC too as it’s not 1 parent doing it all.

I’m halfway through mat and finding our quality of conversation is waning a bit.
Or I’m repeating stories of my day etc.
but then we both work interesting jobs.

I would hate this!

You would struggle in most jobs to get promotions/senior roles, you would be default childcare for all school holidays which would feel relentless, and you wouldn't even get the bonus of the school day free like a SAHM.

It would feel like the worst of both worlds

It's the working full time and still being expected to fulfill the role of a SAHM that's the killer.

No, personally, I wouldn't ever choose a life that revolved mainly around my home and family. I accept that some people are perfectly content with this, and I respect their choices, but that kind of life isn't appealing to me at all. I want more.

I would definitely carry on working if I won the lottery, because I enjoy the sense of achievement and purpose that it gives me. Plus I like the camaraderie of working as part of a team towards a shared goal. I would just use my winnings to hire some extra staff to do the tasks that I enjoy least.

I'm not very academic and have never enjoyed learning. There are things I find interesting e.g the human body but I'm just not motivated enough and the thought of doing a uni course now makes my brain shut off!

Many SAHM do much more than that!