SAHM

Again, there is nothing wrong with being a working parent (part or full time) and there is nothing wrong with being a SAHP (if circumstances allow). If the person (and partner if there is one) have discussed it and chosen the best path for them then it's not up to anyone else to change anything about it. Of course it is OK, probably healthy actually, for the SAHP (and partner if there is one) to re-assess this every so often. Being a SAHP isn't for everyone - that's ok. Some people thrive as a SAHP - that's also ok. Of course we need to consider what is working for the children too, there are pluses and minuses to all scenarios too!

I have had the rare day off with my daughter today just me and her as both my mum and sister are on holiday and then her dad is working away…. I have felt stressed. It was only Monday where my partner suggested I be a stay at home mum 😂 NO WAY!

I feel like I wish I could I feel like
i I want to be sometimes but in reality my mental health was at its worst during mat leave and I couldn’t imagine doing this all day every day. I need a break and me time.

Completely agree.

I also think something which is overlooked is the impact it has on women generally. Both in terms of teaching my daughters that mummy's job is just as important and they should strive to achieve, but also on women generally in the work place - the women who don't work have partners in the workplace who don't have to collect a sick child, take time off for appointments etc - and unfortunately because it is still mostly the men at work with this set up, they inevitably have an easier time progressing. I recall when I was mid level, I had a boss who said "you're technically much better than Y but I wish you could put in the hours he puts in". It's cyclical, the less demand there is for after school and holiday clubs, then the less of these there are available and so the harder it is for families with both parents working.

I went to an all girls school and I just think it was drummed into me there that women could and should do everything men do from a career perspective. I was a teen in the 90s when everyone talked about girl power for goodness sakes.

Exactly. I’d feel incredibly vulnerable any other way.

I guess it's swings and roundabouts - all choices come with pluses and minuses and you just weigh up your risks and do what you think is best at the time, with the information available to you.

Dh and I have always seen our money as joint and earned by both of us, regardless of who actually brought it in, since we've both facilitated each other's lives and choices in various ways. Assets are all jointly owned etc and we've made spending choices that minimise our financial exposure if things went pear shaped. Even in dual income households there are people who couldn't afford to divorce, with the level of financial commitments they have.
Nothing's perfect, we all just do what suits us the most and hope life works out.

But surely that is part of the benefit of work? I do like my job, but what I also enjoy is having my own salary, being able to just go out to lunch without worrying about the family finances ( because my half of the bills etc has already been taken) paying for presents, paying into my own pension, having my own saving so I have security when I'm older, and don't have to rely on DH. Both of us have been made redundant in the past, and DH's work is currently going through a restructure. Its quite stressful, but would be 100x more stressful if I didnt have a job. If the worst came to the worst, I would go full time. Vanishingly few women are so independently wealthy that they don't have to work or rely on a well paying partner to give them money. Part of my enjoyment of my job is the freedom and choices it affords me and my children.

I know women who enjoy working they would just prefer that they didn't have to.

Pretty sure everybody, also people with interesting fulfilling careers, would prefer if they didn't 'have to' work, but could choose to work.
But that's a different situation compared to being responsible for childrearing and household and living on your spouse's salary.

To me, I think it probably just comes down to the OP getting a false impression of what "most women" are like because of the people that she mixes with.

We're probably all guilty of that to some extent. Through work, I mix with a lot of highly educated, successful women who wouldn't dream of giving up the careers that they have worked so hard to build. It's easy to forget that many women will be stuck in dull, uninteresting jobs that mean very little to them, and so if they can afford it, they're more than happy to take a few years out as a SAHP.

Of course, there will be some with high flying careers who choose to ditch the career in favour of being a SAHP anyway and there will also be some in low level non-career jobs who will want to carry on working regardless for a whole host of other reasons. Everyone's circumstances are different.

But claiming that "most women" would rather stay at home says more about the women that you know than it does about women in general.

Ok most women you said

and plenty of us want to work, enjoy working and no we don’t want to stay home and do domestic stuff. I’m sorry your social circle is so limited you don’t know anyone who wants to work Irl and it’s led you to believe most women are like this.

but we are not. Far from it.

Well, perhaps your social circle is large but not very varied? I can't imagine otherwise why you wouldn't encounter many women who enjoy working and wouldn't ever want to give it up to be a SAHP. There are plenty of us!

absolutely agree

I'd still choose to work, albeit I'd like to do 3 days a week and not 5.

But you said you don’t know anyone who wants to work. That sounds like a very limited view to me. You then took it on yourself to beleive all women would rather stay home doing the domestics rather than work. And then started a thread about it.

It sounds like you probably have quite a narrow social circle, consisting mainly of women who don't have any career aspirations. Inevitably this will colour your view.

My experience is quite different. I do know women who have chosen to be SAHPs, and indeed some who would like to be SAHPs if they could, but I certainly wouldn't say that the majority of women that I know are like that. Career is important to lots of women.

Personally I think it's fear of financial repercussions which keeps a lot of women in work, rather than a genuine love of their work specifically. Many people just have jobs rather than meaningful careers.
I suspect that if money and security were no longer issues that needed to be worried about, many more people (of both sexes) would leave their work and spend more time with their dc or pursuing their own interests.
Finances are the main driver in much of what people do in their lives. We don't have as much choice as we think we do, in many respects.

I'm pretty sure that my mother has it as well, and being a SAHP was disastrous for her mental health.

Maybe us adhd types just need to work!!

Interesting.

I also have ADHD and hadn't realised the extent to which working does really help me.

I'm pretty sure my mother has it and she is choosing to work past retirement age.

Let's also not pretend that one day is representative of every day. Also, most SAHM I knew/know did not have cleaners.

I was a SAHM until DS was 4 and I still sent him to nursery part time before school. It was great for him as an only child getting to socialise with other children and learn to share, etc.