Re my parents and childcare

This thread! So, coming up to 70 I am ‘selfish’ and ‘don’t love my children’ because I don’t offer free childcare.

Here’s how my life looked - married young but waited to have my kids because we were stoney broke and had to save for a house; then had three kids in my 30s. Went back to work when number 1 was three months because paid mat leave didn’t exist; worked for 40 plus years and got state pension at 66 ( did retire earlier than that because totally stressed out).

Will probably die in the next 20 years although could be in the next 5/10/15. I’d quite like to live my remaining years enjoying myself thank you very much - I’ve earned the right to be ‘ selfish ‘after the many unselfish years bringing up my own kids.

I adore my grandkids and do babysit/do days in the holidays etc but that’s completely different from a regular one day a week.

If I were the original poster I’d be thanking my parents for the year they’d given and ask myself who is being selfish here and only thinking of their own needs?

And I don’t buy ‘only moved there because of one day’s childcare’. That would be mad.

I don't get all the "running around" after children. When I'm looking after GC (I've got 8 so had years of this) we will get toys out and they play, sometimes I join in with building lego or playing with cars/dolls whatever, we sit and have food and drink more than once in a day, we go in the garden and we walk to the local playground and they play on swings/roundabouts/climbing frames, we feed ducks, we walk to the shops and do some shopping. Sometimes we get on a bus and go explore and I know this is verging on criminal on MN but sometimes we sit down and watch children's TV. I can't think of much running I have to do.

Just to be clear I don't do all those things in one day but they are all things we do.

Sorry yes this is selfish.

everyone has more energy for things they enjoy. Like a dance class which is obviously a more relaxing thing to do. Including parents of a child. And of course looking after a child is tiring.

selfish thinking is to do only things you enjoy because they don’t tire you out.
you can’t have your cake and eat it. Meaning: then embrace being selfish. Own up to it.

Whatever works for the family best. I just am amazed by the number of posts in many threads over time that talk about the parents' money like it's just on hold for them kids. If people are lucky there's something left over. If there isn't, they've lost nothing because it was never theirs to begin with.

Surely that is why it is a great idea?

It's not OP's inheritance. It's their money. Inheritance is what is left over, if anything, when the person who owns it has passed away. Before then, it's no-one's but the person's to do with what they like or is needed for care.

I am on mat leave so see a lot of "Granny Daycare" out and about in my area. Some of it is extremely sub-par. Yesterday a set of grandparents were just allowing their 1 year old to stand on a chair at a soft play cafe and he was being aggressive with the smaller babies, stealing their toys, getting up in their faces. No intervention. In an entirely predictable and preventable scenario he finally faceplanted the floor at the end when they were busy and distracted getting their shoes back on.

It may be a blessing for you that they have actually told you they can't hack it rather than being oblivious to their own shortcomings and something happening later down the line.

Yep, let them go into a nice care home and spend OP's inheritance. Great idea!

Well looking at the number of people who have ‘thanks’ my many quotes, it would seem that you are the person the ‘wrong’ attitude 🙄
and you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself with your expectations ….disgraceful

It's crossed my mind seeing some grandparents at the school gates..

I remember a chat with a granny at the park. She researched the safest parks, etc because she just couldn't run fast enough if they took off.

I wonder if there hasn't been an incident or two which gave them a fright. Perhaps a child running off Etc.

As with childcare, it is reasonable to help according to your own ability to do so. If there are things you can't do, then it is not reasonable if you are expected to do them and something else will need to be sorted.

And yes, people should prepare as much as they can to provide for their own older years.

It would be more selfish to go ahead with providing childcare if you felt you weren't up to it or couldn't do it safely.

Some of you (not OP!) are being way too harsh calling the OP’s parents selfish and lazy.

@Theroadnottravelled is perfectly entitled to have an anonymous complain about a situation. I’m sure her parents won’t read it and even if they did, we are all entitled to our feelings. She’s not the one calling her parents out, she’s just talking about it. Only a saint wouldn’t feel miffed and disappointed at the worry of finding and funding an extra day per week of childcare!

True however we don’t know when OP planned to move regardless of the offer for the childcare. Maybe it made more sense moving closer to her parents as she was going to move anyway. There’s a lot of factors included but I still completely understand where the OP is coming from

I sympathise @Theroadnottravelled . It's the attitude that each person have to sort things out for themselves and not be able to rely on their family and friends that causes a lot of stress and mental health issues.

What about when your parents get older - are you to not help them out as they should have sorted it themselves?

I think you need to read the original post, OP says ' very active, very Fit', there are two of them.

How are you defining "very fit and active"?. My dad will be 70 in a couple of months and I would describe him as very active - he runs up and down mountains everyday and is super fit.

However his knees aren't what they were, he's not as flexible as he was and he takes a nap most afternoons. He's certainly not as fit as he was five years ago - in fact, I'd say there's been a fairly obvious "decline" in that time even though he's still (what I consider) incredibly fit for his age.

Being capable of playing golf doesn't mean you're capable of running around after two small children all day, especially if that involves getting down on the floor with them, changing nappies, taking them on outings etc.

How old are you?

Collecting from school and a GP collapsed luckily in school not walking home with the 5 year old. It happens.

No I asked the question of maybe it was meant like that. I didn't say it was just a possibility from the GPs view that got taken differently....as we can see here communication is difficult people understand things differently according to their point of view.

Have you played Golf?

I'd be a bit annoyed, lured down with the offer of free childcare for a day a week now they can't be bothered. And you're in a worse financial position.

I probably appear fit; I do a dance class once or twice a week, lots of gardening… walks.. However I am not fit enough to run around after two small children for a whole day. No one knows the true level of fitness of these people and I think it is only sensible that they say they can’t cope if that is how they feel. I would love to have a chance to help my family by looking after my DGS when my DiL returns to work, but that’s another ten months down the line and I may not manage it. I hope I am not labelled ‘selfish’ if that is the case.

Do you always see things in such black and white terms?

I think you need to read the original post, OP says ' very active, very Fit', there are two of them.

I guess we are divided here. You either love your child and want to help , or you're utterly selfish parents and can't help a dd , given you are very active and very Fit and she can't afford an additional day for 2 children at nursery. Which where I am would be 200 pounds a day.

Yes, it may be a ridiculous statement to you..
Lets guess which camp you fall into?