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Original poster

To be getting annoyed at son & partner!

116 replies

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 18:40

DS and his partner live with us as they are saving for a house. They’ve been with us close on 2 years now, until then DS was here on his own. Both 23. They’re both in good jobs and have saved up a really good deposit (over 50k) and are looking for a property up to £250k.

250k in this area would buy a really nicely done 2 bedroomed house (with change) or a 3 bed that might need a bit of cosmetic work.

All good so you’d think. But they’re SO fussy about what to buy.

They want a 3 bedroomed house, it must have plenty of parking. They don’t want new build but it mustn’t be over 50 yr old. They want everything done, they want to move into a show home house with large kitchen, all modern inside - rooms must be large.
They don’t want to live too close to us yet they want to be within 3 miles. They don’t want a bungalow or a dormer style house (ugly apparently).

Weve tried explaining that their on their budget they won’t get a large show home standard 3 bed. They will have to make do with decor that maybe isn’t their taste, carpets may need to be changed etc.

There’s a few on the market around us but there’s always an excuse, too small, windows need replacing, don’t like the carpets, too much decorating to do, not enough parking. Always something.

To be frank, we are ready for them to move out now, we charge a peanut ‘rent’ for them to be able to save but we struggle with 5 cars outside our house, huge fuel bills and food bills. Plus the cooking for 5, huge amount of washing etc as we (husband and I) tend to do it all just for ease.

Im getting close to giving them a bit of an ultimatum and a timeframe to find something as they need a kick up the backside. I’m feeling resentful as apart from working all they do is lay in bed, gaming, reading etc. DS partner in particular seems to find just working a full week tiring - the weekend is spent laying in bed! No cleaning, housework, cooking etc! Has anyone done this? It feels mean but I’ve had enough of having a houseful now.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 21/04/2024 20:58

I don't think there is an issue with being choosy about where they live. It's a HUGE decision

Its also ok to give them a deadline. 3 months ..(12 weeks ) or theyll have to rent

ReallyUAreAnElegantChap · 21/04/2024 20:53

Are you sure they're ready to make that big of a commitment to each other - 23 is still really young to be financially tying yourself up with another person. I think they should put away their savings, and rent for a few years together first

Jeannie88 · 21/04/2024 20:52

Your first isn't your forever home normally, so they have to accept that not all boxes will be ticked. I agree with others that they need to just get on with it, their saving is your expenditure. Xx

justwantobeamum · 21/04/2024 20:50

They BOTH need to learn to cook and clean very quickly if they’re thinking of buying a house. You only seem to focus on the Gf being tired after her full time admin job and doing no housework or cleaning, what about your precious DS does he do any housework cooking or cleaning? Or is he going to be one of the useless DHs on here who doesn’t know how to and is busy doing his hobbies while she’s learned how to do it all? Do them both a favour and make them share in chores/cooking/cleaning/washing etc.
if you feel bad kicking DS out then at least take this opportunity to have 4 adults in the house so you should only be doing 1/4th of adult responsibilities instead of 1/2.

MeridianB · 21/04/2024 20:46

They sound completely clueless. So stop enabling two adults to live like teenagers. I’m shocked you’re working and then running around after the cooking and cleaning,

The biggest favour you can do your son right now is to ask him to move out and rent with his lazy GF asap. I bet they don’t last to the end of the year together when the penny drops that they have to share housework and can’t find their dream house.

Houseplantmad · 21/04/2024 20:45

There’s a difference between a child in need always having a place at home but this isn’t that situation. You need to give a firm deadline. Maybe they can move in with her parents instead?

Itiswhysofew · 21/04/2024 20:45

Tell them you want a chat and ask what their actual plan is. Frankly, if I was the girlfriend, I'd be thoroughly ashamed with that attitude to life. It's DS' responsibility to tell DG she'll have to leave if they can't give you a moving out date. As for your DH changing their bed sheetsShock

I'm all for helping family. I'm doing the same as you, for my 31 year old niece, (and her dog). But as well as working hard, and saving for a house deposit, she's learning to drive, studying and doing a little bit of travelling. I don't charge her rent, utilities, or fuel. She buys her own food and cooks for herself - I hate cooking. I do it with love, but I wouldn't let her take advantage.

It's not an easy thing for you to deal with, but do it before it gets out of hand.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 21/04/2024 20:42

Definitely tough love.

Dad and I are tired doing all of the housework, everyone living in the house must contribute. Here is a list of chores, pick 2 each, in addition everyone does their own washing/drying and everyone Cooks one meal per week. We are all adults and that means we all act like adults.

They'll never leave. Far too cosy there. Wait til they have their own place and have to cook/clean and pay bills!

Cherrysoup · 21/04/2024 20:42

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 20:17

DH is so laid back he’s almost horizontal. He doesn’t see the harm in doing it for them, he likes to be busy.

Not the point though, I’ve just told him he has to stop, especially the bed changing, they can do that. And the ironing.

The cooking won’t work as I’m home far earlier than them so always make a start on the evening meal.

I can’t get my head around the fact that at their age they are happy to be infantilised. They have no autonomy over what they eat etc, they just walk in front work and it’s on the table.

Theyre stuck up in their room every evening, little privacy. You’d think they’d be desperate to get their own place

But (and I'm saying this nicely!) you and your DH have done this to them by doing everything for them, it's crazy that they aren't hugely grateful and doing stuff for you eg alternate nights cooking, all the housework /laundry when you charge them peanuts for 'rent'. Stop! And tell them the next house they view, they're offering on!

Bluevelvetsofa · 21/04/2024 20:38

I don’t think you should feel at all guilty. I also think that you will always have room for your DS, but him and the girlfriend is a different matter and it doesn’t sound as though he’s committed to being in a grown up relationship and particularly because neither of them want to make an effort to take responsibility for the cooking and cleaning that comes with owning a house.

Time for some tough love I reckon.

OutOfTheHouse · 21/04/2024 20:37

I agree with a pp. Give them a deadline by which point they either have an offer accepted or they move into rental.

Bjorkdidit · 21/04/2024 20:34

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 21/04/2024 20:20

The problem is op their new house won't be ready staffed....

Indeed. Have they actually lived together where its just them and not the cooking, cleaning, laundry and gardening fairies?

What happens when they buy and they can't afford a mortgage as well as takeaways and a cleaner?

Sounds like a few months renting might be good for them to check that they do actually want to live together.

jeaux90 · 21/04/2024 20:33

OP our jobs as parents is to bring up independent adults. Part of that is sometimes a few tough lessons and this is definitely one of them.

This is an "I love you and will always be here for you ...but xyz" conversations.

Some truths around their expectations and the impact on you etc plus a deadline.

BIossomtoes · 21/04/2024 20:33

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2024 18:57

I think you need a sit down talk with them where you say this isn't working for us anymore. We don't intend to run around after you cleaning up. You're old enough to buy a house so you are old enough to clean up after yourselves. While you are at it, tell them that they aren't contributing enough and they are costing you a fortune and they need to leave within three months. That should focus their minds.

Took the words right out of my mouth. What pisstakers they are.

crumblingschools · 21/04/2024 20:29

Just buy food for you and DH. They can do their own shopping and cooking. You are enabling them. Have they lived away from home eg uni?

Greywitch2 · 21/04/2024 20:28

Give them a deadline to have found a house to purchase, or one to rent.

I think I'd say 1 September. Obviously if they are part way through buying at that point you may kindly decide to extend it, but I'd tell your DS that he and his partner need to move out by then, into a place of their own.

It's perfectly reasonable to want your own space back again.

Therealjudgejudy · 21/04/2024 20:24

You and your husband have enabled this pathetic behaviour.

Stop being a doormat and lay down boundaries and ground rules...

Lumpalicious · 21/04/2024 20:23

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 20:17

DH is so laid back he’s almost horizontal. He doesn’t see the harm in doing it for them, he likes to be busy.

Not the point though, I’ve just told him he has to stop, especially the bed changing, they can do that. And the ironing.

The cooking won’t work as I’m home far earlier than them so always make a start on the evening meal.

I can’t get my head around the fact that at their age they are happy to be infantilised. They have no autonomy over what they eat etc, they just walk in front work and it’s on the table.

Theyre stuck up in their room every evening, little privacy. You’d think they’d be desperate to get their own place

So get home earlier and cook for you and your DH only. Your son and his partner can sort their own food.

No need to be a martyr, it’s not helping them grow up.

Original poster
Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 20:23

I dread to think. We’ve been away on holiday and left a fridge full of food and it’s never touched.

Takeaways and frozen pizzas seem to be the order of the day during the week and maybe more of a scratch cooked meal on a weekend.

I think renting together might be a good shout. I think their in for a rude awakening

OP posts:
Marine30 · 21/04/2024 20:20

They sound rather precious. Whose first house was perfect? What happened to buying the worst house in the best street and then spending a few years doing it up.
Why oh why does anyone want their first home to be a clinical ‘show home’ that someone else has chosen and styled? Unless they are just stalling and have no true intentions to buy their own place?
YANBU - they need a reality check. Area first and anything else can be changed/improved.

LoveWine123 · 21/04/2024 20:20

You should be pushing them out but to rent, not buy. Are you sure you want your son saddled with this particular partner? They should really practice living together and managing a household and their relationship without all the financial and physical support they are getting from you. Your son should think long and hard if this is the partner he wants to buy a house with. Renting will give them both time to make sure.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 21/04/2024 20:20

The problem is op their new house won't be ready staffed....

BibbleandSqwauk · 21/04/2024 20:19

So how are they going to eat when they live alone? They'll eat later. They need to start practising.

Original poster
Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 20:17

DH is so laid back he’s almost horizontal. He doesn’t see the harm in doing it for them, he likes to be busy.

Not the point though, I’ve just told him he has to stop, especially the bed changing, they can do that. And the ironing.

The cooking won’t work as I’m home far earlier than them so always make a start on the evening meal.

I can’t get my head around the fact that at their age they are happy to be infantilised. They have no autonomy over what they eat etc, they just walk in front work and it’s on the table.

Theyre stuck up in their room every evening, little privacy. You’d think they’d be desperate to get their own place

OP posts:
11NigelTufnel · 21/04/2024 20:13

Is it that you think that he might regret buying with the girlfriend? If so have a chat with him when she isn't there to discuss what is going on. If not then it really is that they are faffing as your house is so nice that they know they won't achieve that in their first buy. We all have to start where our means allow, so it is time they learn that.

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