Am I being unreasonable?

All these suggestions would be perfect but she refuses. She says she doesn't need any of this whilst she has me. She's very hard work.

Time to tell her she doesn't have you then. Can she walk? Exactly HOW disabled is she?

Also with your Nan - contact social services and get needs assessed and carers for support.

You don't have to do this. You can help and do bits but you don't need to live like this.

They both get disability benefits by the sound of it - can they use some of that money to pay for a few hours for a carer ? Or ask Adult social care to assess your nan to see if she can have paid carers if she needs help with bathing etc.

You need to tell your mam that by XX date you will be reducing the amount you are doing. She will have time to find carers/support/cleaners whatever.

Then stop.
Be unavailable. You're not born to be someone's slave.

(For reference I am 30, I have rheumatoid arthritis which is awfully horrendous, and I'd rather die than expect my children to live a half life to help me)

She can help herself - many of us who have 'arthritis' do.....

I did wonder what else is going on besides “arthritis” because that often isn’t enough by itself to be classed as disabled unless it is a really bad case of rheumatoid arthritis with neuropathic pain and psoriasis.

Start saying No, op. Or keep doing it all. It is your choice. And it is a choice, you do not have to live like this… Say No.

But I feel like disappearing because I'm so fed up of halting my life to everyone else's needs.

Of course you are feeling resentful. You need to take back your life.

Get a p/t job again. Your mum either needs to do online shopping, a mobility scooter or a care assessment or all three.

She says she doesn't need any of this whilst she has me. She's very hard work.

You are enabling her to be reliant on you. You need to focus on yourself and your immediate family.

If you have to help your mum help her by accessing other support and/or doing online shopping. You need to stop all this time consuming support and let her access support else where.

She's right, she doesn't need it while she has you!

I think you'd be perfectly reasonable to say that you already have two jobs: official carer to your Nan and Mum/housekeeper at home.

You could offer your Mum half a day a week (maybe including lunch) maximum and say any extra help she needs, she must pay others for.

The longer you do what your Mum wants, the more she'll expect and you'll burn yourself out. Please look after yourself first and foremost so that you can be there for your daughter and also do your job. Set the boundaries and stick to them (I know it's easier said than done but you CAN do it!) Good luck!

I don't think that the mum's issue is the physical caring needs (although they are the alibi) but that she is a lonely widow and wants to see you and going round the shops gives her something to do - a purpose and activity.

Does she have friends? Or somewhere she can go for company?

This is all very lovely of you but you shouldn't have put their needs above yours and your child's, which you did when you quit your job.

Start claiming yours and your child's lives back.

“Are you still making National Insurance contributions”
She shouldn’t need to. Child benefit for child under 12 or carer’s allowance provide full NI credit.

then it sounds like your only option is to say that she can only have you for x time and y things (whatever you are comfortable with) and she will have to manage around that or choose to do something different.

You are not obligated to look after your parents. Particularly when you are already a full time carer, have a young child and don't even have a good relationship with said parent.

Giving up work to be an unpaid carer is quite unwise unless you're rolling in cash?

Are you still making National Insurance contributions and personal pension contributions?

Are you married to your partner and do you have equal rights to the house you live in etc?

Giving up your financial independence to serve others for free (& let's face it, being a carer is a tremendously difficult job and not for the faint hearted) is a HUGE sacrifice to make.

I'm sure it has a detrimental knock on effect to your parenting (less time/energy), your mental health & stress levels and that's before you consider your bank balance.

You need to get the professionals in to take some of the burden off you and get back to paid employment (unless, as I said at the beginning, you're loaded which would change the perspective somewhat).

Agree that Mum’s care all seems to be on her terms. She needs to respect your time a bit more and compromise.

The posters who think you have it easy because your DC is in school and you don’t work must have their heads up their arses.

My point was that many people do this stuff while juggling their own work commitments. Not everyone can live on a carer's allowance (assuming this is what the OP gets).

Couldn’t your mum use her PIP to pay for taxis if she won’t get a mobility scooter? Also, are you claiming carer’s allowance, sound like you should.

You're going to have to push back, op. You can't allow her to control you.

I think you've allowed her to have too big a say in your life. And she's selfish. This will (understandably!) lead to resentment on your part, especially when your relationship isn't even particularly close.

Running two households is hard. Caring for a relative full time is hard. Having a young family is hard. Adding your Mum’s needs into the mix makes things harder still, especially as she sounds like a bit of a time bandit. You have my sympathy OP.

The posters who think you have it easy because your DC is in school and you don’t work must have their heads up their arses.