Life is crucifying me

I’m glad you are doing better, a special school should help and take away some pressure.

Have you looked into respite? Even on night a week would help you as a family.

If you need to live in that house, can you reduce the mortgage payments by paying over the longest possible term? Have you done a comparison calculator to see what your situation would look like if one of you dropped hours to become DCs carer? Turn2us has a good calculator to try out different scenarios. Are you or DH entitled to PIP?

I hope things work out for you. I was studying too and I think it broke me

How 'soon' will your child be able to go to his special needs school?

That will make such a big difference to your life. You will be able to sit quietly for five minutes alone without worrying or being in edge, and that in itself will be amazing.

You could resume your studies as if you leave it too long you'll never go back. So I'd suggest doing that as soon as you can.

Depending on what it is it can mean relearning stuff as new info is discovered and courses updated accordingly - happened to a friend as biology info got updated so she had to practically start from scratch again in her medical studies as she had a four year break and couldn't therefore pick up where she left off.

It will hopefully be good for him and tire him out too so when he comes home he may not be so energetic when you are both tired after working all day. That's how it is for a seven year old I know.

The authorities really really need to do something about care and the sen situation as there just don't seem to be enough facilities to make sure all sen children have the save care provision as other children. Patents are burning out.

The big house will soon become a millstone around your neck, we bought our big house 15 years ago and are moving asap because the running costs (rather than the mortgage) are crippling us. Have you done a winter in the house yet? Gas and electric to keep us all warm and dry for the last couple of years has cost an eye-watering amount!
The bathroom really needs replacing but we were quoted £2500 just for basic cheap ish tiles, decorators quote thousands because of the size of the rooms etc. We need a bigger more expensive boiler to heat all of the radiators, guess what? They cost much more than a regular boiler!
Of course you could do these yourself but how likely is it considering your children's issues and you are working 6 days pw?
If you have only just moved and you are struggling to afford the house now (on 2 x 6 day pw incomes and dla) what will happen when you eventually both burn out and can't work so much? I did a second Job for years to try and keep us going, I regret every second, we should have thrown the towel in sooner but my husband lived our house so I kept going🙄
I don't think you can afford the luxury of a bedroom each, much better to start looking for somewhere else now that would work than have your hand forced when you can no longer work enough hours to cover mounting costs.

Bigger house .not bigger school

A had to give my job up ,with the school not coping with my ds..he was asked to leave two special schools and ended up having tutoring at home ,and I had to be available the whole time the tutor was there .
Thank god we hadn't moved to a much needed bigger school ,as we were suddenly managing on one income
As is often the case Al my friends are in similar boats ,and it's very frustrating to see the majority are also managing on one salary due to SEN DC not in full time school

Perhaps postpone the studying

@Lucylou07 Sending you a hand-hold and of course, you are not unreasonable. Anyone would feel the weight of what you are going through. Having a SEN child is incredibly hard work and emotionally overwhelming. You are all doing the best you can.

I personally would pause the studying until you feel you have more energy and your child has started at their special school. You may find that things like anxiety and violence improve once he is at a school that understands his needs.
I would then check you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to and are accessing all the support available for your eldest including perhaps some respite. Check out if there are any local support groups or charities for families with SEN children, you might be able to access some emotional support and cheap group outings. I also agree it might be worth calling your mortgage providers to extend the term and lower your payments.

How much do you bring in each month and how much is your mortgage?

I really need the own space that my bedroom brings.

That's as maybe, but kindly, you can't afford it.

Kindly but bluntly you are living beyond your means. The house is too expensive, we couldn't survive in a house that's too expensive.

Can you extend your mortgage term so it’s a bit more affordable in the immediate term? I had friends who did this (public sector so no pay rises for years but huge COL rises, and friend developed a medical issue which required her to cut hours). Might just give you the breathing space to finish your course and get DC settled in their new school, then you can review?

You have no money for anything because the house is too big and expensive for you. There's only one answer to that problem but you don't want to do that so the alternative is work even more hours and break yourself even more. I think I know which one I'd choose. I very much doubt your SEN child is only more settled because you over stretched yourselves financially with a house you can't really afford. .

How much is your income/mortgage? Is that sustainable?

What are your childcare arrangements?

Could you look at both or one of you reducing your hours and claiming carers and /or uc plus reducing child care costs.

Can you relocate to a cheaper area?

Also, what is the end goal of your studies? Will it enable you to get a better paid job? If not, perhaps you could park it for now, if it's giving you extra stress?

Gently though, the extra space clearly isn't worth it because you've described yourself as "breaking" and that is not a sustainable way to live.

I would downsize and then cut hours down, you're going to end up burnt out.

Do you claim PIP for your DS?