To wonder about the OP whose daughter had ASD and she was going zero tolerance any associated behaviour for the happiness of her other child, herself and husband.

Thank you @Rainbowhermit It was a difficult decision. She adapted far more quickly than I predicted she could. The Easter holiday past she only had one meltdown and it was contained in her own bedroom.

I think she had just continued the screaming, kicking and hitting from toddlerhood as it was the 'easiest' option. There were more neural pathways for that response in meltdown. She used intense scribbling and writing during that last meltdown as the 'outlet'. It's far more appropriate for an 11 year old than resorting to violence.

My DD has a number of sensory sensitivities which impact on us all. I try to find a middle ground. For example she hates sand and going to the beach and hates warm weather. She spent years freaking out at just the thought of going to the beach. But we still go on seaside trips from time to time and make adjustments. She appreciates that I no longer force it on her, which I tried to do initially but I don't just accept it either. She is getting a lot better and trying to fit into family life. I don't think us never going to the beach because she doesn't like it would do her any favours later in life.

@stargirl1701 Thanks for coming back with an update - I am so glad you have seen and felt some improvement for things in your family. I have a 24 year old ASD daughter - who is now able to express that learning to manage her meltdowns ( by withdrawing to her room or a safe space ) was a game changer for her and makes her feel more in control. She now often listens to music or watches You Tube and calms down before the meltdown stage. It's a long journey, and you have made a good start.

my points stand- willfully ignoring a child’s needs is traumatic. The stats say it all, other people have said it I don’t need to repeat them.

Most people aren't talking about ignoring a child's needs, though. They're talking about managing the needs of one person against the (different) needs of everyone else in the home.

I'm autistic myself and I'm eternally grateful that my parents had boundaries and taught me that certain behaviours weren't okay at certain times. I'm also glad they helped me overcome my sensory issues around maintaining personal hygiene - especially with brushing teeth and taking showers.

Helping autistic people cope with the real world isn't about ignoring their needs, it's about helping them balance their needs with other people's, and about teaching them appropriate ways of dealing with (eg) sensory overload or overwhelm without controlling other people's environments in order to do so.

But this isn’t about willfully ignoring a child’s needs. It’s about what happens when those needs come into conflict with other people’s needs, and about what really is a need vs what is a behavioural response that may or may not be rooted in a diagnosed condition, particular environment, or a combination of all of the above.

I’m not assuming anything, I think that’s you here. It doesn’t matter if the contributors are ND or not, my point still stands. There is also a thing as internalised albleism, which I’m sure many people experience and don’t realise.

my points stand- willfully ignoring a child’s needs is traumatic. The stats say it all, other people have said it I don’t need to repeat them.

@Isittimeformynapyet have you read the thread yet

@Mouldyfoot
I'll explain my point again.
You seem to be presuming that the posters you disagree with are NT, I am telling you that you have no idea whether or not they are.
I have decades and decades of experience of living, living with bringing up ND.
Calling people you don't agree with ableist without contributing to the discussion is not helpful to anyone.

My autistic daughter is relentless in trying to control her environment and mine. Temperature, lighting etc I refuse to allow her to effect anything out of her room. I will compromise for example certain scents she finds overwhelming so I don’t buy that but I do insist that she has to brush her teeth (she hates this again sensory)

I have two autistic children. About 6 months before her GCSEs the eldest became super controlling. Refused to work in her room on her desk and insisted on the table on the lounge. No one else was allowed to move her stuff and she screamed if you entered her room or dated go move - it escalated until myself and the youngest could not speak in the kitchen as it was disturbing her - at that point I packed her off to school (during study leave) every day and the more controlled environment in the library was successful.

This year she was writing an essay for an a level and again started getting very angsty and taking it out on us. I must admit that I saw what was happening and nipped it in the bud. First of all noise cancelling headphones and she was allowed her room but no work out of it at all. Just put a stop to it. She doesn’t like it - she wants zones eg her room is a tip but it’s her mess and she wants a separate study. But we don’t have one.

A phone jail works very well and insisting all gadgets out of her room after 10 pm so no laptop or iPad. But the controlling aspect of who watches what etc she is highly manipulative eg I sit down and load iplayer and she used to carry the remotes around so I couldn’t access them - I sit down and she immediately says ‘let’s watch hustle’ and then will get her brother to ask. They will both put pressure on. But I will deliberately push back and say ‘no. We are watching something new’ -both children want to watch something on repeat all the time and not anything new

Yeah, loads probably- like myself. Don’t really understand your point? Wilfully ignoring a child’s needs is traumatic and ableist, and disgusting I think actually.

do I know how hard it is to bring up ND children where their needs are often detrimental to the whole families needs, yes.

I think I remember, she was also being consistently violent to her sister and their toys. Sounded stressful for all involved.

I didn’t say that. I did not say if you don’t do want they want they will kill themselves. If you read my post correctly you will see that I said a lot of the training goes too far, doesn’t give the person a safe base where they can be themselves. I also said that my ds has learnt how to cope outside the home as he has the support he needs at home to be himself.

Did your friend do the same and the son is no longer dominating the family dynamic? Sounds interesting. Has it become more positive for the rest of the family?

Here is my original thread:

be done with autism www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amibeing_unreasonable/4846759-to-be-done-with-autism

Trying to shut down discussion by name calling doesn't help anyone. You have no idea in what proportion of posters posting here are also ND.

People discussing not just letting other people with an ASD diagnosis do whatever they like and hang the consequences on themselves or others is not ableist.

How about the posters on here who said that actually, being pushed back against was beneficial in the long run? Is their experience more or less valid?

And I think it’s awful that other posters are resorting to dragging out the suicide of other people as an argument against constructive debate. It’s emotional blackmail at best -“see, if you don’t do exactly what they want, they’ll kill themselves!”

None of this is about saying that autism doesn’t exist, or that it’s due to shit parenting or whatever number of myriad ways people wilfully misinterpret this thread. It’s about saying that without a proper debate, including things that people with diagnoses may not like or want to hear, we will never be able to move forward.

My daughter has ASD and was treated like her NT brother. She regularly thanks me for my zero tolerance approach. We were never unkind but we were very blunt "If you do things like this you will not have many friends and life will be harder for you" was a regular statement.

My point is that a lot of the so called ‘training’ especially the full on stuff just teaches the person to mask continuously.
All that does is make the likelihood of major mental health issues much higher when the person can no longer cope with constantly masking and never being allowed to show their true selves.
My ds is perfectly Able to have manners, cope for short periods etc out of house as he has a safe base to return home too. A base that allows him to be himself.
We had a friend whose child was put through the sunrise programme.. very intensively and apparently it was a ‘magic cure’ as he could then behave ‘normally’ at home and outside. That same young man is now dead as he simply couldn’t cope with no base of safety.
Also calling ‘it problems’ is offensive

’Training’ is a very broad term. I am sorry you had a rough time, not all of it will be like that. It’s not a single universal experience.

Lovely ableist threat.

Clearly this didn't work for you. Try explaining why it was so difficult though, as simply lashing angrily out at other posters doesn't foster understanding.

Having had a very negative experience yourself, what would you suggest?

(I'll read on to see if you've already answered this)

I don’t recognise the thread but I am interested as I am in a similar position with an asd teenager. My teen is very aggressive and has been for ten years to the point of regularly beating me up and trashing the house for hours on end. They were permanently excluded from two schools and they were not in education at all for two years.

I am a single parent and they are the only child at home. If I had a partner and other children, the family would have broken down years ago and my teen would have been removed and taken into care, probably at the age of 10 or 11. This was discussed with social services and it became very close.

This is an interesting discussion. I think family life is affected whether you ‘kick back’ against the behaviours or try to accommodate them.

Well done OP it sounds like this was the right thing to do. DS1 is autistic and takes himself to his room on return from trips out etc. It's best for him and his siblings.