Kids sticking up for their dad after separation

Don't do it. Don't put dd in that position.

He is their dad and they love him, even if you don't want to be with him any more. They are having to deal with the break up of their home life so it's not surprising they feel sad and angry. They should not have to hear you speaking badly about him to your mum, of course they're going to find this upsetting. Keep calm and reassure them that both parents love them and that they will be able to spend time with you both. Try and avoid them feeling like they are in the middle of you being pulled both ways. This is a tough period in their young lives 😕 so show some compassion and understanding. Have you got a few good friends you can vent to? Out of earshot of the kids obviously!

Why does your dd need to get defensive about her dad? Are you talking crap about him?

Why were you talking to your mum about him in earshot of your kids?

She’s going to get on the defensive, especially if it was you that left/ended the relationship.

My dad is an absolute twat and I am closer to my mum than my dad but my mum was the one who acted badly and I get defensive whenever she starts talking shit.

Your kids are going through a lot too and it’s important to remember that you need to either not speak about their dad or only speak in a neutral or positive manner ( he should do the same).

If you need to vent (which is completely normal and healthy) then do it when the kids aren’t around or come on here and get it all out.

Don't drag your kids into it.

My parents got divorced when I was late 30s, had to tell my mum not to shit talk about my dad in front of my siblings and the grandkids. They were the ones that divorced. He is still our dad / their grandad and our relationship is different to theirs.

Never put the kids in the position of hearing you put their parent down. It's poor form from you.

Don't vent about him to other people when they are in earshot. Don't initiate a conversation about their dad's failings with your dc but be honest but factual with them if they ask you questions. They deserve to have at least one parent they can rely on for factual information. If their dad is fabricating events/rewriting history they will come to realise it.

Yeah don’t slag off the dad in front of them that’s awful.

I think you're having a hard time here OP. We are only human and you have been venting to your mum and your child overheard, so what. You've done the right thing in not allowing him into your home, keep those boundaries and just try not to vent with kids in ear shot again.

To all the posters saying you should never ever say anything bad about their fathers, I don't agree. My kids saw how awful my ex was to me, they saw him screaming at me and them, so when they asked why he left, I said he wasn't very nice to me and them and I wouldn't put up with anyone treating me or them like that. He still shouts at them and I make sure they know it isn't acceptable still. They love him but they know his behaviour is unacceptable.

I think your point should be more about ex arguing with you in your home ( I’m assuming this) Your’re now going to get a load of posters saying the same thing over because they love a pile on.

The age is important. A 5 year old innocently telling her dad compared to a 14 year old. You have every right to vent to your mum about him and he just had to roll his eyes and not come in guns blazing.

I know it's hard, but as everyone has said, you can't badmouth your ex around your children - it's not fair.

He's their dad at the end of the day, and they love him and don't want to hear you being unkind - even if what you're saying is true, it's not for your children to hear.

Conversations about your ex need to be done when there's no chance of them overhearing - so by text in the evenings at home, rather than by phone.

Why are you putting your daughter in the middle? Shame on you for putting her in a position where she felt like she needed to defend her father.

Don’t put your daughter in a situation where she’s hearing you slag off her dad, that’s not fair on her whatsoever- keep conversations about your divorce private!

Of course she’s going to stick up for him in that scenario, you need to be more conscious of what she hears it’s not ok to put her in this position.

Your kids shouldn't have to stick up for their dad. They're obviously going to feel defensive of him, he's their dad!

Any moaning of your ex needs to be done well away from the kids.

Honestly feel like walking away from all my kids! They won’t listen to me messing about my life is horrible 😩
Can't get past you blaming your kids when you caused the argument by bad mouthing their Dad where they could hear. My ex is an arsehole but they're not going to hear that from me.

Your children should not hear you speaking about their father negatively

Absolutely this.

My DF was dreadful to DM after she left him, she never said a bad word about him to, or in front of, us. We didn’t find out until many years later when we were adults.
He is their other parent. Stop putting your kids in a position where they have to stick up for their other parent, who they love as equally as they love you.

I know it's hard to follow the advice here to never say anything negative when you are hurting to, trying to explain the major change & especially if it was over heard...

Try and bear in mind if you can that your children are processing. They want to love and be loved by their parents. They want their life not to change.

All teenagers start to question the actions of adults in their life and most as come point find things they dislike. Many of the things they dislike they have to reluctantly and eventually agree the adult is right, wasn't a jerk etc. This isn't emerging naturally with your kids. They have been thrust in to looking at the adult relationship because it has broken down.

Try and find the strength and space to talk through your issues separately and bear with theirs.

If you can be factual only if they know about the reasons for the breakup. If they don't decide what they should know as a vacuum of information can be difficult.
They don't need nor probalay should know everything. It's an adult fall out.

Try and remind them they are loved.

Try and label your emotions. If it is too hard to talk about something because you are heightened say so.

Seek out support them to have someone to talk to talk to as it is understandable that right now this can't always be you

Its all very generic. Mum and Dad have a lot of things they dont agree on and we don't get on anymore and end up fighting so we can't live together anymore type explanation. My ex is abusive. I certainly wasn't going to tell them that. If its been a while its sad for your friend that she can't let go, anger often hurts the one who holds it more than the person who caused it.

What do you say to kids about the reason for splitting? My friend told her son that "Daddy still loves you, but he doesn't love Mummy anymore" when he moved in with another woman. To be fair he married OW and it worked out but my friend is still angry about it.

It's a balance I guess. I suppose kids will work out for themselves if Daddy is a cheating abusive philandering gaslighter.

Your children shouldn't feel they have to stick up for either of you, because neither of you should be criticising the other where the kids can hear you. My stbxh does this, says nasty things about me to his parents when my DD is there. It hurts her really badly. Its really poor parenting to put your kids in the middle like this.

They haven’t divorced their dad. They shouldn’t have to listen to you trash talk him to other people.

Come on, this is pretty basic.

You cannot let your kids hear you say bad things about their dad. He's your ex, but he's their dad and they love him. It's important that they don't feel they have to pick sides.

Make sure your kids are never in a position where "sticking up for their dad" is a thing

They shouldn't be in a position of sticking up for him.tbh, neither of you should be trash talking the other to, in front of, or in earshot of your DC.

Speak to your Mum, your friends etc by all means and have a good old rant if you need to...but NEVER in earshot of DC, its not fair to put them in that position

You need to keep your relationship issues separate really. Stop talking about him, your relationship issues, etc in front of them.
He’s still their dad and if he’a a good one, they’ll stick up for him.