AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

It’s a lovely gesture and you are a kind, generous person, OP. But I speak from bitter experience when I say that large amounts of money, given to friends can mess up a friendship horribly. It all feels lovely to be in a position to bestow your generosity and to imagine all the happiness your money will bring, but then feelings such as obligation and resentment creep in. Plus, there may come a time when you need that money, since none of us can see into the future.

https://www.lloydsbank.com/mortgages/help-and-guidance/first-time-buyer-help/gift-deposits.html#heading3

Please take legal advice, some lenders don't even accept gifted deposits, especially from outside the family.

It would be just about possible if you went through a solicitor, who could explain that it was not a scam. But as the recipient it would feel very weird indeed, like something from a film script. I have raised a modest amount of money for a local charity by arranging for some occasional freelance work that I do for an American company to be paid directly to the charity. They have no idea why they are getting bank transfers from the US, but they presumably don't worry about it. If I got money sent to me anonymously it would freak me out.

I agree that it would be very hard for the OP to remain anonymous. This charity has no idea who I am, and yet when I walk past their offices I do sometimes feel like I want to put my head round the door and say "You know those mysterious donations you get every few months from XYZ Inc? Yeah, that's me". If I was in the OP's position and sent the money anonymously, and then met up with the friend in the house that she'd just been able to buy with my gift as a deposit, I think it would be very hard indeed not to let on.

@Marven I think this is a lovely thing to do, and is just what I'd do if we had that kind of money spare.
The most enjoyment I'd get from winning the lottery jackpot is in helping friends and family out.
In fact, I think it's almost beholden (morally, at least) on those who are so much more fortunate to help those who aren't, and I don't understand why you wouldn't.
I also wouldn't put conditions on the money or what they do with it.

Conversely, if my friend was to come into money and offer me a similar amount I would be really appreciative of it and would happily accept it.

I'd actually be honoured that they considered me such a good friend and would be touched that they wanted to help.
Again, as long as there's no strings attached, in the same way I'd offer it, it wouldn't change the friendship for me.

You sound lovely, and I wish you all the best. 💐

I think that's a lovely thing to do. God bless you. Your friend will be over the moon.

I would offer £5k to help and invest the rest in a trust for my children. You have absolutely no certainty they'll inherit from you or your family in the future.

its apitty people were not more able to see past the money

How could it be given completely anonymously? If someone suddenly announced they were giving me a huge some of money, for no obvious reason and with no way of finding out who, I would assume it was some scam or illegal money laundering or something like that, and tell them to fuck off. I would think anyone sane would do the same.

If you want to give it to her, then you do it above board, no lies. The truth will come out at some point and then she will feel tricked, guilty and angry. Don't hide truths from adults about their own lives.

If you can afford it, do it. If you don't want it to cause any issues say you won the lottery. She might reject it and if so then so be it, but it will probably make her day! (More than her day!)

If you value the friendship at all then you will not give the money so that it is traceable to you in any way. However kindly meant, you will be lady bountiful, no longer a friend. If you want to give the money then anonymously with no link to you is the only way.

People knock their friendships out of equilibrium at their peril.

Also thinking about it you don't need to pretend you've won the lottery, you could just say you always thought about what you WOULD do if you won the lottery and you would want to help her. So now you've come into this money that's what you'd like to do. Cleaner than a lie but brings to mind the lottery and how all of us think about treating our loved ones.

It's a lovely thought but money can ruin friendships

If I had the money to help my friends I absolutely would, and I wouldn’t be offended if a friend offered me a life changing sum of money either! I really feel like people have strange friendships if they’d be ruined over something as kind as this.

I’d just have an honest conversation with her OP - “I’ve inherited X and I’d like to gift you Y to help you to buy a house / invest for the future etc is that something you’d be happy with?”. Easy! I’m sure OPs friend is a grown up who can make the decision for herself. I’d be so upset if a group of internet strangers talked a friend out of potentially changing my life.

I think the people saying don't are very tight. If you can afford it and it would significantly improve her life then why not?

That saying it'll be the end of your friendship - maybe it will be the end of your friendship not to. You would always be thinking how you could have helped her but didn't in case it was awkward

Personally I wouldn't but I would broach wether she wanted to buy a house/was able too given mortgage lending & rate rises

Or better yet if your in a better position offer to help her get a home loan via a cheaper bank (probably europe=speak to mortgage broker who covers Europe as well as UK)

Put in to a fund for your children
You have no idea how their lives will turn out
They may end up a single parent of numerous children,and be desperate for money..or something may happen that stops them working and earning or like my family they may have an ill child who can't work as an adult ..
I think you will regret giving it a friend when your own children are adults..it's a difficult world out there ,your own children and grandchildren will need it

I don't agree you shouldn't do it - it will change her life.

BUT I would say that it's a very very long term low interest loan that won't become repayable unless and until she starts making x amount or x% above the average or something like that.

Or you could couch it as a lifetime investment in the property that only becomes active when she or her estate sells the property.

100% don’t offer it as a loan, that is far worse, especially the then “surprise it’s a gift”. I would think how the fuck am I going to pay this back and always have to pay or explain why I can’t. That’s messed up.

Perhaps if the OP had been specific rather than vague about "some savings" and "reasonably well off" or wtte, she'd be lambasted for being a show off and "not reading the room".

Say she has a couple of millions in pension and savings, no mortgage and wealthy parents. And she earns 500k a year.

What do you think now, about her giving away £80k? It's hardly going to put her kids at risk or herself in penury.

Or what is she just knows she "has enough". Whatever that figure is to her.

It's so bloody depressing to read the relentless "it'll ruin the friendship" "kids and self first" "you must be naive" posts.

What a lovely idea. If I were your friend, I would be delighted and not the least bit offended.

I would offer it as an interest free loan rather than a gift, so she doesn't feel like a charity case. Then a few months down the line, tell her she doesn't need to pay it back.

Xpost. Exactly. It will change the relationship fundamentally.

Fwiw I once thought of giving a friend a big gift, but I realised that she would always feel beholden to me, if I ever invited her to something she would feel she ought to do it and I would never know if she genuinely wanted to or felt obliged. It can’t not change the friendship. And what if the friendship ever became more distant or ceased altogether?

In the end I gave my friend a smaller amount that wasn’t significant enough to change anything.

This is more messed up as she’s beholden and tied to the OP then. That affects a friendship more than just giving her money

It's a wonderful thing to do, but do it anonymously?

@Marven inreally don’t understand people saying don’t do it. Why the hell not?

Don’t do it anonymously, don’t pay for a years rent, don’t drip feed it to her. Just say you’ve come into some money and you would like to gift it to her if she wanted to spend it on a deposit or round the world cruise, whatever she wanted. There is nothing to pay back and it’s hers to do as she wants with. How will it end the friendship??