AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

Yes, this. I'm sure she'd love the money but you'd lose the friendship as she would (subconciously or not) see it as condescending charity, even if she didn't say so. And the money should be for your children anyway, not your distant friend.

I think it’s lovely you are thinking this way rather than just adhering to this ‘keep it in the family’ mentality that means the rich get richer etc.

if she has discussed deposit woes before, use that as a starting point. I’m sure she knows you’re well off so I assume she doesn’t resent your different situations at all. Sound her out about it in a ‘I know money is a weird subject but this is something I’d like to do if you will take it?’ Sort of way

Some of us have learned by bitter experience that generosity is not always respected or rewarded. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that if you started a thread asking people to relate their stories of lending friends money, the majority would be negative. Understanding how human nature works within the context of money and a friendship does not make people cynical or joyless, it makes them wise.

Absolutely, if it's within your means, of course you should do it! My best friend came into some money last year and although not on the same scale, she just randomly put a lovely gift into my bank account. Surprisingly, I didn't 'cut her off' or start getting entitled (🙄), I actually just felt quite emotional at the sweetness and longevity of our friendship. If it was the other way round, I'd do it for her in a heartbeat.

In your scenario though, as it's potentially a life-changing sum of money, you might actually be better doing it anonymously via a solicitor (if such a thing is possible). You can assure her (via the solicitor) that it's nothing creepy or criminal but that you just wish her to be the beneficiary of some good fortune that's come your way. That way, if she doesn't know it's you, it won't alter the dynamics of your friendship.

That is of course, if this thread is real!

Also agree with this. It's nothing to do with jealousy - no idea why that excuse is wheeled out for every single issue. If you only see her once every few years you have no idea what her finances are really like- if she can travel regularly she's doing pretty well I'd say. Lots of people I know cant afford to travel that much so she must have some spare cash to be able to do that.

This reply has probably hit the nail @Marven

Hi @Marven what’s her job situation like? Is she working? On benefits? Or both? There was a post recently about a woman buying her own house and now she was in a worse of situation than her in-laws who were getting housing benefit and had better houses than hers. So if her situation is something similar if she owns her house she wouldn’t be able to claim any help towards the mortgage payments

I wouldn't do it. Nothing to do with jealousy (and I never understand why posters say people are jealous of a hypothetical situation on an anonymous forum!) but just because you don't know her finances inside out.

You say she travels a lot. The fact she can do this makes her a lot more fortunate than many people at the moment, but also shows that she is prioritising travel over housing security. I wonder if that's the reason her parents gave money to her brother and not her, because they didn't think it would be well spent. You haven't seen her regularly for years so she might be awful with money for all you know.

I’d personally be overjoyed to have a friend like you. I’d take the money and be very grateful. You sound so lovely.

Fuck yes do it.

So rarely do we get a chance to change someone's fortunes, I'm gutted how many people want to piss on this idea.

The op doesn't need it. Her kids don't need it. A lovely friend does, what's the issue?

A loan would be a nightmare, but a gift?

I'd tell her "I won on a scratch card and I had a dream about sharing it with her, so I here I am pinging the money over to you xxx"

What about buying a house that she can buy off you on a mortgage style agreement that she can afford?

Lovely of you to want to help her x

Make it a loan and have a proper contract drawn up. That way, you're both protected and it's on a business footing. Tell her that you want to help but you appreciate that she won't want a handout so it'll be legally done and it keeps it impersonal whilst being really helpful.

It’s a lovely idea. Perhaps you can treat your friend to a small holiday or hire a cottage where both families could meet and enjoy some quality time together. That would help gauge how your friend feels about having money spent on them and you could find out if she’s saving for a house, needing financial help, etc. I would ask how much they’d need and if loaning a deposit might help/be something they’d consider? It’s less pushy than just giving a large sum which may make them feel very uncomfortable.

but of course if she doesn’t want it, then I am here op 😊

Or we have done it and it didn't end well..

wondering if you are new to mumsnet? it's a place where people ask for opinions and many individuals come along and offer their ..... surprise surprise opinions

if you have an issue with that I don't really know what to say

If a good friend gave me this gift I would over the moon.
If you can afford to and she's struggling why wouldn't you? I would 100%.
Those that are saying don't do it are obviously in a very fortunate position and haven't struggled.

Rightfully it should go to whoever its owner chooses. The cheek of telling someone what they should rightfully do with their money.

OP rightfully that money should go to your children

you never know what the future holds

why not treat friend to a holiday and go with her, reconnect

involving money in friendships never end well

I absolutely would. What an amazing human you are.

I'd offer it OP. How she takes it is up to her. She has the option to say No thank you.

If I could afford it, I would offer my BFF the money and would also accept if offered.

Don't let what ifs stop you from doing a good deed.

I’m really surprised at all the people saying don’t do it. I would absolutely do it, I also would be delighted if someone did it for me! Several of my friends and I talk about how we would gift money to each other if we won the lottery - of course this is just day dreaming and who knows what they would all do if it actually happened but I like to think I certainly would. I would make it very clear it was a no strings attached gift.

Really lovely of you.

@VillageGreenPS - what would you say to this guy, then?
https://www.ucf.edu/pegasus/harris-rosen/
(@ellyeth - almost cross-posted with you!)

If my friend offered me this I would be so grateful. I think it would cement the relationship and help someone have a better life. Be honest with her, don't lie. I have come into this money by x y z and would like to do something nice for you so you have a secure future. How would you feel about it?

Well I think it's a wonderful thing to do, especially as you would consider donating it anonymously - so you're obviously not doing it for the glory.

I do think it may change the friendship dynamic though. Your friend would, I would imagine, be delighted and grateful. I doubt she would refuse it but it could make for some awkwardness, though perhaps if you said it was a lottery win that would be different.

If only all these billionaires who waste copious amounts of money would be so unselfish.

Crazy amount of money to give away!

Plus, I think awkward for her - it's rubbing in her face that you've been much more successful than she has.

What about presenting it to her as if you have inherited this cash and are looking for an ethical, long term investment opportunity.... if she were to use it as a big deposit for a house (esp as she's in the North) - so you would own a % of her house but with legal paperwork in place to give her lifetime protection in the house (or something along those lines).