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Original poster

AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

530 replies

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:34

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

OP posts:
thoseinperil · 21/04/2024 07:06

I'd look into the details first with an accountant re tax and then have a chat

wigywhoo · 21/04/2024 07:06

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/04/2024 20:48

Also-you don’t know what life will throw at you. You might have need further down the line.

This. Lovely thought but it's really tempting fate! You say you only have "some savings" - unless I had many multiples of this amount I wouldn't do it. If it's potentially 50% of your capital, no - 5%, maybe...

DoorPath · 21/04/2024 07:06

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:12

@nonevernotever thank you that's really helpful.
How would you bring it up? I think I'd have to arrange to go and see her. Don't think text would do it!

When giving big news - good or bad - it is so much better to prepare the person beforehand. If you are going to do this, I would send a text saying, "I have come into some money, and would like to gift you a sum. Please can we meet to talk it over?"

It is really mean to put someone on the spot face to face.

DoorPath · 21/04/2024 07:03

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:04

To those saying offer a smaller amount - I absolutely could and will consider this. But it's not like she's struggling to pay her rent exactly, it's just that without a big lump of money, you just can't get onto the housing ladder. And her family can be really shitty to her generally, but also, they're just not going to have that money again (having given it all to her brother).

A few people have said that if I never heard from her again, or she went on a cruise or whatever - I honestly wouldn't care. I mean I would if I lost her friendship but not if she spent it all on travel. She travels a lot at the moment. It would be her money to do what she wants. I really wouldn't ask or want to know. I would just want her to be happy.

So many people saying don't do it tho, is really making me wonder. Seems such a shame to not even offer it and to just carry on hoarding it. But I wouldn't want to make her feel bad. That's obviously the last thing I'd want

£20k would get her on the housing ladder as a deposit.

Proudbitch · 21/04/2024 07:03

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:52

So comments mostly are telling me not to, but voting is much closer.

Would so many people here not speak to a friend again if they offered this, really? Even if it was very unlikely you'd ever be able to get together money for a deposit?

I think it’s a good idea. If you aren’t asking her to repay you that is.

if it really is going to be life-changing for her, she should hear about it and have a discussionp

Bestyearever2024 · 21/04/2024 07:01

Don't do it

Keep it for your children

DoorPath · 21/04/2024 07:00

Don't do it, keep it for your kids to have a bigger deposit for a house.

SulkySeagull · 21/04/2024 06:51

Aren’t there tax implications with gifting someone that much?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 21/04/2024 06:48

OP you sound lovely.

If I were you I'd do it. Yes there are some risks but I'd still go ahead.

I would be honest with your friend and explain what you've said here. Reiterate that it's a gift with no expectations. I wouldn't go down the road of buying somewhere and asking her to live there rent free, that's much more complicated and puts her in a more difficult position.

Hopefully she will accept your very kind offer and your friendship will continue.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/04/2024 06:48

ttcat37 · 20/04/2024 23:36

Jesus fucking Christ, unless you’ve got millions of cash in the bank, save it for your kids. You’ve got no idea what the future holds and one day, god forbid, they might really need it.

This!

MotherofGorgons · 21/04/2024 06:45

Cakebytheriver · 21/04/2024 06:40

This 100%

Show quote history

The assumption that people wary of giving money to friends are stingy is misplaced. I give money away that I don't need. Just not to friends.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/04/2024 06:45

I think saying lottery win is better, I wouldn't want to take someone's inheritance, it feels different somehow. I only play the lottery occasionally, but I have a list of friends, mostly single mums Id want to give enough for a house too if I ever won big. All really lovely people who have had it tough in life. I think it's a lovely idea, but not straightforward, people have all sorts of different emotions about money. Some people would feel offended I think. It might make her feel worse about her families disregard if someone outside her family can do this, yet they wouldn't. That's not a reason not to give it just a complicated emotional reaction she might have. I wouldn't lend it, some people get really caught up and feel defensive even if you say you don't care if you never get it back. Gifting it is simpler.

TheBlueRoad · 21/04/2024 06:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cakebytheriver · 21/04/2024 06:40

Catterbat · 20/04/2024 22:09

Well I say go for it! It’s a lovely idea and if I had loads of spare money (which sadly I don’t!) the first thing I’d do is help out people I care about who need it. I mean why on earth wouldn’t you? Some of these replies are baffling. It’s not like you’re lending it to her and might not get it back. If she doesn’t feel comfortable accepting it she can say no but who in their right mind would be ‘offended’ by such a kind gesture? You’re in a position to completely change someone’s life. Please do it! The world would be a much nicer place if people gave away what they didn’t need. So many, through no fault of their own, have nothing.

This 100%

Poltershighclimb99 · 21/04/2024 06:37

I think it’s such a wonderful thing to do. Only you know your friend and only you can have an idea as to how she might react. If it were me I’d think about making a plan to visit for a weekend, have lots of chats around housing and getting on the property ladder and see where she’s at. I think as long as you make it very clear that you have no expectations for how she should spend the money, it is hers to do as she pleases (with a little hint towards property) then I can’t see her taking offence.

Petitedress · 21/04/2024 06:34

@Marven Don't do this. She's not even a close friend. Put the money in a savings account for your children. Surely if you had the money you'd ensure your children's university and houses were paid for? Also nice things and hobbies for your children. I'm not from a wealthy family but it must be such a stress free life if your parents are rich!

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 21/04/2024 06:21

Alwaysalwayscold · 20/04/2024 20:48

I'm assuming the people saying not to do it are jealous that nobody has done this for them. I think it's incredibly generous of you.

I'd maybe try and have a chat about what amount of money would change her life and see what she says. If she says £25k for example then offer her that much.

That’s a neat idea. I wouldn’t be offended if a wealthy friend wanted to help me buy a property if it was the only way I could do it - I’d be absolutely fucking delighted and forever grateful in a nice way.

AppleCrumbleTea · 21/04/2024 06:20

I’ve always thought I’d share with my friends if I won the lottery

AppleCrumbleTea · 21/04/2024 06:18

What about gifting her a bit less? 30k

Vavazoom · 21/04/2024 06:17

I would offer it to her.

SundayMay · 21/04/2024 06:15

I think you sound like a lovely person and friend @Marven .I would just have an open conversation with your friend and say some things you have said here, you are already in a great financial position that this money would benefit your friend a lot more especially in this current climate. If it were me though (and this may be the wrong way to look at things 🙈), I would specifically say it's for a house deposit. I think if I gifted it to a friend in the hope of securing her future and she spent it on designer clothes and holidays instead, it would slightly annoy me to be honest.

Howbizarre22 · 21/04/2024 06:11

Omg can you give it to me 😄

MountCaramel · 21/04/2024 06:10

What's worrying me is that you've not seen her recently & people change so I'd spend this year getting to know her again. You might decide for many reasons not to go ahead. If you do decide to pay her deposit then you should consult a solicitor. Especially if you don't want to retain an interest in the house.

As much as I'd like to say yes go for it; I would say you're being incredibly shortsighted & naive for the reasons below:

  1. there's no guarantee your children will inherit from grandparents. It might go on care home fees or a cat home

  2. do you own your home outright or is it mortgaged? - if mortgaged then overpay your own mortgage

  3. ring fence deposits & university costs for your children

  4. max out your savings, premium bonds & pensions - you should ring-fence 12 months living costs in case of a redundancy etc. This will give you breathing space while job hunting

You don't know what's around the corner so secure yours & your children's futures first. If you experienced financial difficulties after helping your friend, you might become resentful. It would be hard to reconcile the fact that you had money but gave it away & are now experiencing difficulties yourself.

upinclouds · 21/04/2024 06:05

If the recipient of my inheritance gave it away in this way I'd be spinning in my grave.

Well you wouldn't, because you'd be oblivious.

upinclouds · 21/04/2024 06:00

I think you could do with spending some time with this friend and having a chat about things.

I don't mean to go and quiz her about her finances/intentions, but just to get a better feel for how things are. You could then bring it up.

Anyone who's a good friend would be able to have a grown up conversation about it without it affecting the friendship.