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Original poster

Does this make me an awful wife and what can I do to remain sane?

34 replies

creditdraper · 20/04/2024 13:38

Hi all,
A quick run down to set the scene. I was just about to retire when I suddenly found myself carer and Power of Attorney for both my parents who had different forms of dementia. Through everything that was involved, it brought me to my knees and was a 24/7 job. I also had a husband and family to be there for as well so all in all it was a very difficult time for us all.
My parents passed away within 6 months of each other during lockdown and COVID. They were in a Nursing home by then as they were too ill to be at home.
The years that I did everything for them took its toll. About a year afterwards I was just beginning to feel as if I was getting back to concentrating on myself and becoming healthier when my DH was diagnosed with cancer and needed a very major operation after lots of chemo. He required a lot of input and caring from me and still does, although to his friends and family he seems back to normal. He will never be back to normal and although he has recovered as well as could be expected has changed significantly in the things he can and can’t do. Without going into all the detail which would be outing, here I am back as a carer again with not much to keep my spirits up.
I know I must sound ungrateful but he has lost interest in most things because he now gets very tired and breathless. He used to be an extremely active man and is a young oldie if you know what I mean. I feel that time is very short now and that during all the years that this has been happening (with my parents and DH) that I haven’t had a decent break or even a retirement yet!
Our relationship has gone down the pan because he seems to see me as carer and housekeeper now and I literally get no time to be myself and have fun unless we visit or have a visit from friends. No holidays, meals out, long walks etc - all of which we used to do among other things.
I love him, don’t want to leave him, but I can’t see things changing and I feel that the retirement time now is truly wasted on care, shopping for essentials and housework etc.
I’m not sure what comments I want to see in reply - it just helps getting it all off of my chest.
Thanks if you’ve reached this far.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 20/04/2024 15:02

You need to get some respite care so that you can have some time for yourself. I'm disabled, and while I don't need huge amounts of care, I am dependent on my husband for quite a lot. He goes away a few times a year for a weekend to visit friends, and he goes on on his own quite a lot. If I'm really struggling we'll make sure I've got things planned with friends and family.

Disability and illness can make people enormously selfish. It's understandable, but it's not okay. Your happiness matters just as much as your husbands. Would he object if you went out without him?

itsjustbiology · 20/04/2024 14:53

I know someone exactly the same as you are now OP. I so feel for her as she gets angrier and more disallusioned every day. It is so difficult and so sad.She is torn between a rock and a hard place.I am sorry you too are going through this.You must be very lonely too. I have no advice to offer sadly that would help.

TeenLifeMum · 20/04/2024 14:47

Can you talk to him about how you’re feeling? Not in a moany way but in a “what small changes can we make to help us both enjoy this stage of life?”

maxelly · 20/04/2024 14:40

I think it's time to be a bit selfish and make things happen for yourself. You've been cast in the caring role for a long time now and as you've discovered it's pretty thankless and no-one comes to rescue you or take care of your needs, sadly you're going to have to do that yourself as well. Of course that doesn't make you a bad wife and I don't think you have to end your relationship either if you don't want to, but you need to take charge rather than just slavishly responding to what others want of you.

I'd make yourself a bucket list and start working your way through it, you can start small e.g. going out for a walk on your own, building up to weekends or holidays, on your own, with a friend or drag your DH along.

What are your DH's needs now? Can you throw a bit of money at solutions, whether that's cook meals so he can eat well even if you aren't there to prepare it, a cleaner/gardener/laundry service to relieve you of some domestic load, a helper/carer to keep him company if you are away and make sure he takes medication or gets out or whatever? Do you have adult children and if so can you enlist their help?

NinaOakley · 20/04/2024 14:28

And no, you are not a terrible wife. You are a human being on whom society is placing unbearable expectations. ((Very unmumsnetty hug)) please feel free to message me if you would like to. Well meaning but presumptive people are one of the biggest stressors in my experience.

NinaOakley · 20/04/2024 14:23

Not at retirement age here yet, and we are dealing with physical and psychological symptoms. Not many here will want to hear it but the thing that makes me feel cared-for, happy and like I have something to live for as a spousal carer is having an affair.
Respite, carers charities, medications, a pet, well-meaning friends…
None of them take the stress out of my shoulders, make me sleep properly or make me smile even a quarter as effectively.

Very difficult to reconcile with my faith, feminism and values, but true.

StormingNorman · 20/04/2024 14:00

He seems back to normal to his friends. How much care does he need? Are you actually doing a caring role, or is it just that your options have been limited by what he can and cannot do now?

museumum · 20/04/2024 13:43

Is he too ill to go out for a meal or go on any kind of holiday or does he just not want to. If it’s the former I’m sure you could find something suitable to do together and then supplement that with you doing stuff for you - join a women’s walking club or something? Can you get a respite carer to allow that?
if it’s more that he’s lost the will then I think maybe some counselling could help. Together or individually.

Woahtherehoney · 20/04/2024 13:42

Oh this is so hard, I am so sorry.

Have you looked to see if there are any respite options at all for your husband? I know he may not be keen and neither will you potentially, but you absolutely cannot pour from an empty cup and need to look after yourself too. Is there carers or someone who can sit with him for a day so you can go out and do things or visit some friends for a day? Or lots of care homes offer short stays of 24/48 hours to give you a slightly longer break.

Please look into something as you need some time to be yourself and not just a carer.