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Original poster

Mother in Law did not use car seats for my children.

195 replies

ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 11:39

Hi everyone,

This will be a bit long so thank you for reading in advance and giving input.

My DH and I have two DC; a 3 year old and an 18 month old. We live in Sweden as he is Swedish and has family here. This week, he was away for work which doesn’t usually happen, and since I also work full time, we asked my MIL if she could pick up our girls on one of the days so that they could be picked up at 3pm instead of 6pm, since that was my latest working day. She agreed and a few days before, I sent her a text to let her know where pick up would be etc. I let her know that the childminder lives 15 min walk from our house and that since MIL doesn’t have car seats, she would need to pick them up by walking.

Fast forward to the morning after she picked them up - I have it confirmed by my childminder that MIL did indeed pick them up with her car, but childminder was not aware that she didn’t have car seats. I was livid and just in shock. The journey would only have been 5 minutes, but that doesn’t matter. These girls are the most precious thing in our life and not even 30 secs is worth the risk in my opinion. Not to mention, it is illegal.

I called her that afternoon and calmly asked her to explain what happened. She told me that she had them propped up on some cushions and then used the seatbelt. I told her that I was extremely upset about this, that what she did was dangerous and put the girls’ lives at risk. She responded with: ‘no, it wasn’t dangerous. I fixed it and it was perfect.’ I reiterated to her that I did not agree and that I was disappointed. She replied with: ‘you are angry about this, but that’s not my problem, that’s your problem.’ And, ‘I can’t do things your way, I do things my way and if you don’t like it, that’s not my problem.’ For certain things, I could buy that reasoning, but not for this ffs. 🤯

I was in utter shock and disbelief at this point. When I asked her why she ignored the wish for her to walk to pick them up, she replied with ‘I couldn’t walk that far and I didn’t know the way.’ She absolutely could walk that far; she is 63 years old and goes for hikes when she is abroad! I told her that if she didn’t want to walk, she could have told me days before and I would have arranged something else. She had no answer for me.

I ended the call by saying to her that I find it worrying that she does not see anything wrong with what she did, that this has made me lose trust entirely, and that this was the last time she would be asked to ever supervise the girls alone. Her response was: ‘well that’s your problem.’

My husband is also flabbergasted by this and said he will have a talk with her. I need to mention that this has not been the only occasion throughout the 11 years we have been together where she has disrespected me and crossed boundaries, but this is just a whole other level and involves my children’s safety. DH has had harsh conversations with her before about various things, but I don’t think that will cut it this time. I feel like I am done with this woman.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

PS. We never rely on her for childcare regularly, except for asking for a little bit of help for like two times a year and this was one of those times!

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 20/04/2024 22:39

Lunde · 20/04/2024 17:52

In Sweden it is much tougher than the UK - Sweden has been at the forefront on car seat safety with the first ones produced in the 1960s

Since 1988 car seats have been required by law for children

Since the 1990s it is required that children under 4 travel in a rear facing seat - in the 1990s I saw a woman get a warning from the police for having a child under 4 in a front facing car seat when we were both pulled in on a local road for a car safety check

So she knows very well that her actions are illegal and very unacceptable in Sweden

Show quote history

You’re not correct. Rear facing is preferable, but it’s not the law.
https://korkortonline.se/en/theory/child-safety-seats/

Child safety seat: baby car seat, rear-facing & booster seat

The airbag shall not be activated, as it can cause the child serious harm when released.

https://korkortonline.se/en/theory/child-safety-seats/

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 20/04/2024 22:27

PotatoPudding · 20/04/2024 11:57

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

This tells me your issues go far beyond those mentioned in your post. You don’t punish or cut off communication. You point out that there is a reason child car seats are a legal requirement, perhaps backing it up with some facts or case studies. You have a grown-up discussion about it until she apologises.

A grown up discussion only works when both parties are mature and reasonable. The MIL response and her dismissive attitude says it all really. No fucking way would someone like the MIL see my kids again unsupervised but this wasn't a one off the OP has stated her MIL has behaved badly for years and disrespected the OP and clearly this is the straw that broke the camels back.

@ChouxPastryHeart YANBU thats really dangerous I wouldn't let MIL ever be alone with your kids and you're fully justified in going low or NC it sounds like this is the last straw. I suspect your MIL deliberately didn't take the car seats because she has a bee in her bonnet that you dared to tell her what to do so she did the exact opposite to make a point and say 'I will do what I want you can't tell ME what to do' which says it all about the type of person she is. She put your children at risk to point score at you.

Runnerinthenight · 20/04/2024 22:22

MrsSlocombesCat · 20/04/2024 12:48

I think it’s a bit of an overreaction to a one off. They were raised and had seatbelts on. She probably comes from a time when only babies needed car seats. Our generation just strapped kids too big for baby car seats in the back of the car. She’s probably never known of a child being in an accident. I haven’t. So I can see both sides, but it really isn’t something to go no contact for. That’s ridiculous. Just don’t ask her to pick up or take the kids anywhere again.

She fucking doesn't!!! I'm a couple of years younger than her and my kids all used carseats!! What is wrong with you?!!

I wouldn't go NC but it would be the last time she'd be asked to be responsible for your children @ChouxPastryHeart!!

ColourfulSeasons · 20/04/2024 22:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Jk987 · 20/04/2024 22:15

MrsSlocombesCat · 20/04/2024 12:48

I think it’s a bit of an overreaction to a one off. They were raised and had seatbelts on. She probably comes from a time when only babies needed car seats. Our generation just strapped kids too big for baby car seats in the back of the car. She’s probably never known of a child being in an accident. I haven’t. So I can see both sides, but it really isn’t something to go no contact for. That’s ridiculous. Just don’t ask her to pick up or take the kids anywhere again.

Or fit car seats in her car!

Jk987 · 20/04/2024 22:14

GreatGateauxsby · 20/04/2024 12:32

except for asking for a little bit of help for like two times a year and this was one of those times!

You cant ask for this any more unfortunately/sadly

I think total NC is a bit much

Our rule with my mil is absolutely no unsupervised contact. Meaning myself or dh are physically in the same room at all times (even toilet breaks we ensure the other person is there). We accept we cant change her so forwars plan and put structure & boundaries in place so the kids can have a relationship.
I think you'd be very reasonable to insist on this.

Edited

How come your mil is such a danger that you can't nip to the loo? What if your husband isn't there?

Jk987 · 20/04/2024 22:11

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

Yes yabu to cut off communication. She should have used car seats but you and your husband should have bought and fitted them.
The children are fine, I think it's time to move on.

WittyFatball · 20/04/2024 21:31

Oblomov24 · 20/04/2024 18:35

You seem to be totally over-reacting and using this as an opportunity to cut her off because of historical events.

I'm not sure what the rules in Sweden are, but pp's saying it's illegal :

Unexpected journeys
If the correct child car seat isn’t available, a child aged 3 or older can use an adult seat belt if the journey is all of the following:
• unexpected
• necessary
• over a short distance

Illegal?

I'm not condoning what she did, it didn't follow your instructions, but let's get perspective here. Not all children travel in seats in taxis, just as an example.

That looks like it would be illegal here? One of the children was 1, and the journey wasn't unplanned or an emergency.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 20/04/2024 21:29

It's bad. It's wrong and it should never have happened and mustn't happen again.

Having said that, I have to say I think you are over-reacting.

JoniBlue · 20/04/2024 21:24

You should get some car seats for the grandparents.
Be the bigger person and make peace.

Drapion · 20/04/2024 21:19

I would say to her that your anger is a direct consequence of you putting my children in danger and that is a boundary violation that I would not let anyone cross. It's your choice how you respond and my choice how to proceed further. As you show no remorse for what you did and no understanding of the dangers you created, I can never allow you to supervise my children alone again you don't have enough awareness of risk and as a result I find your judgement impaired.

StaunchMomma · 20/04/2024 21:01

Going NC would be allowing your anger to override everything.

Yes, what she did was stupid and reckless, but I take it your kids have a relationship with her? Going NC means denying them that.

A conversation between MIL and DH is probably the best way forward.

That and never using her for childcare again!

Original poster
ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 20:53

Cherrysoup · 20/04/2024 20:44

Surely your husband should be celebrating mothers day with you and the children?

Show quote history

@Cherrysoup i think this year he will be. Ever since we moved to Sweden 5 years ago, he has spent it with his mother who hosts an informal lunch with the whole family. I am expected to be there, because my wishes and needs don’t matter to her. I’m done bending for her though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 20:47

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/04/2024 16:32

She didn't dictate! Why was it up to the OP to ensure MIL had car seats? MIL is a fit and active woman in her early 60s, perfectly capable of walking a short distance with two children. OP explained that as MIL didn't have car seats MIL would need to walk home with the children if she could do this pick up and MIL said yes, then chose to put the children in her car with no car seats, and didn't tell the OP what she'd done. She knew she was going against the agreement. The OP is in no way at fault here. It was open to MIL to say 'No, if you don't want me to use the car I can't do it' and she didn't.

Show quote history

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g thank you so much for the reassurance that I am not totally crazy here. This is what I don’t understand - I mentioned to her days in advance that she would have to walk to get them and she said nothing about not being able to do so. No one put a gun to her head, all she would have had to do is say, ‘sorry, can’t do that’ and we would have arranged something else.

OP posts:
Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes · 20/04/2024 20:47

DoreenonTill8 · 20/04/2024 19:36

And how the fuck on a parenting website are posters telling op in this situation she's over reacted?!!

Because sometimes parents have different opinions on things? Expecting your husband to go NC with a parent over this is mental. You just don't leave the children unattended with her ever again, you don't tell your husband to start dishing out punishments to his own mother as though she were one of your toddlers.

Cherrysoup · 20/04/2024 20:44

ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 20:42

@Cherrysoup she has tried to dictate what times we should set family gatherings at multiple times, when we have been hosting in our home. When I originally wanted to baptise our girls in the Catholic Church in Sweden rather than the Protestant church of Sweden, she through a fit and yelled at my husband: ‘poor children, I will not be coming then!’

She threw a fit when just my husband and girls visited her for Mother’s Day last year and I went out for afternoon tea with a friend. It was unacceptable to her that I was not present. She brought this up again a month ago, and made it clear she expected me there this year. Husband had to tell her to back down and that what I do on Mother’s Day is up to me. These are a few examples.

Show quote history

Surely your husband should be celebrating mothers day with you and the children?

Original poster
ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 20:42

Cherrysoup · 20/04/2024 15:05

Difficult to say when we don’t know what else she’s done.

@Cherrysoup she has tried to dictate what times we should set family gatherings at multiple times, when we have been hosting in our home. When I originally wanted to baptise our girls in the Catholic Church in Sweden rather than the Protestant church of Sweden, she through a fit and yelled at my husband: ‘poor children, I will not be coming then!’

She threw a fit when just my husband and girls visited her for Mother’s Day last year and I went out for afternoon tea with a friend. It was unacceptable to her that I was not present. She brought this up again a month ago, and made it clear she expected me there this year. Husband had to tell her to back down and that what I do on Mother’s Day is up to me. These are a few examples.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 20/04/2024 20:39

As a fellow Swedish resident she broke the law as children under 135cm must use a seat, there isn’t actually an emergency clause like there is in the UK, there is however a taxi clause where the journey is short, some people wrongly believe that means a short journey in any vehicle is okay, rather than it just being limited to a taxi.

Original poster
ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 20:35

RampantIvy · 20/04/2024 13:01

@ChouxPastryHeart What are the car seat laws in Sweden?
If they are similar to ours she would have been breaking the law.

@RampantIvy it is illegal for a child under 3 years of age or under 134cm, which my eldest is, to travel in a car without a car seat. It is only permitted in emergencies or unexpected short journeys where there is no car seat available. However, she also had my 18 month old in the car and this was not an unexpected journey. She knew in advance and implied it would be fine to walk. Otherwise, I would never have agreed to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 20:31

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/04/2024 20:20

Why did you not provide your MIL with child seats for her car?
Our daughter provided one for our grandchild.

@MrsSkylerWhite because my MIL has never needed to have our children in her car. In the 3 years since we have had children, she has babysat a total of 5 times, for no more than 4 hours at a time, in our home. Had we been using her for childcare on a regular basis then of course we would have bought car seats for her to use. This was a one off occasion and we made it clear she would need to walk. She misled us by implying to us that she would follow our request to walk, which she was perfectly able to do, and then did the total opposite because ‘I did what was easiest for me.’ That is a direct quote from her. She simply couldn’t be bothered.

OP posts:
Princessfluffy · 20/04/2024 20:27

I'd say that based on your post a reasonable response is not to allow any unsupervised contact with your children.

Thai woman is very unlikely to change and fundamentally does not respect you as the parent of her grandchildren.

AffableApple · 20/04/2024 20:26

MrsSlocombesCat · 20/04/2024 12:48

I think it’s a bit of an overreaction to a one off. They were raised and had seatbelts on. She probably comes from a time when only babies needed car seats. Our generation just strapped kids too big for baby car seats in the back of the car. She’s probably never known of a child being in an accident. I haven’t. So I can see both sides, but it really isn’t something to go no contact for. That’s ridiculous. Just don’t ask her to pick up or take the kids anywhere again.

There is no "both sides". My parents are in their 80s and 90s. On holidays visiting rural family outside of the British Isles in the 80s, where as young children we did not need to wear seat belts as there were none; we were held back by arms, sat in laps, etc. My mother is the first person to ask: "Are those babies strapped in those seats properly?" every time we leave her house. No unsupervised contact is fair. Your husband needs to tell her that. But cutting her off might be too far? It's up to you both though, just keep your kids' welfare as the top priority: This includes relationships with family, as well as safety.

Original poster
ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 20:26

Littlemisscapable · 20/04/2024 20:06

Was she walking the 18 month old ? Was there a buggy involved ?

Edited

@Littlemisscapable We have a double stroller and in my message I had said to her that if she wanted to use that, I would leave it in the back garden so she could grab it and go. I texted her the day before to ask if she wanted to use it and she said she would go without it. My husband normally picks them up without a stroller because they just want to walk, but being 3 and 18 months, it’s at snails pace so hardly a sprint.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 20/04/2024 20:20

Why did you not provide your MIL with child seats for her car?
Our daughter provided one for our grandchild.

BrizzleMaverick · 20/04/2024 20:18

She didn't know the way to walk but managed to get there in the car 🙈 Does she has a phone that has a maps app?

I would be furious if this was my MIL and I hope your husband speaks to her as well.

I agree with a previous reply, hit her with the facts of why car seats are a legal requirement. I wouldn't go NC but if it was my MIL she would never looking after them again.

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