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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - city break with kids

57 replies

citybreakaway · 20/04/2024 09:01

We took the kids away for a city break over Easter. DH is still mad at me over a few things. I don't think IABU here but would be good to know if others agree with DH and I am wrong.

  • Kids had breakfast at airbnb in the morning around 8am. At 9am we were out in the city. I went into a coffee shop to grab coffee for me and DH. Came out of the shop to DH (who was on the phone) and he was upset that I didn't buy DC a doughnut or sausage roll in the shop. Said it was terrible that I bought coffee and nothing for DC. He then tried to take DC into shop to buy them something and DC said no because they didn't want anything!
  • I planned an itinerary for the few days based on what everyone wanted to do. I asked them in advance what they would like to see/do, booked and paid for things and worked out the best way to fit everything in. Kids and DH picked (some expensive and some free) attractions that they wanted to see and I made sure we got to see/do everything. There was one attraction I really wanted to see. We got there, everyone was amazed.

There was a 30 minute 'show' there that I wanted to see. DH went on the phone (again) and DC started playing up, I went down to youngest DC (age 4) level and said 'please be good. This is the one thing I wanted to see here, we are also doing the things you want to do, please don't ruin this for me'. DH hates me for this, keeps bringing it up and saying I am selfish and make everything about me.

  • Older DC (age 10) farted in a small Tesco Express and I told him that was rude and he should not have let one off inside a small shop where people were buying food.
  • Getting dinner one night, I accidentally put the wrong card into a machine and the reader said 'declined'. Over my shoulder, 10 year old read out 'DECLINED' really loudly for everyone in the shop to hear. I told DS that he should not have done this.
  • Younger DS wanted to get some felt tip pens in a shop. I said no as he didn't need them in this foreign city where he had nothing to colour in anyway. DH bought them for him.

So weeks later, DH is still angry at me for all of the above, calling me selfish all the time and saying I make everything about me.
DC have no issue with me. I always talk everything through with them and make sure that when they go to bed at night they are happy, know I am not cross at them for any reason - they aren't upset or scarred by these things.

Please tell me, am I wrong here?

OP posts:
skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 08:56

citybreakaway · 21/04/2024 08:32

Thanks for the feedback. DC are loved and they know this. I do want them to be mannerly though and not spoilt.

For the record, 10yo has asd and is socially and emotionally behind. He doesn't pick up on social norms unless they are explained to him.

With 4 yo and not letting him have the felt tips, DC are very fortunate and get a lot but I don't let them have every single thing they want. It's not about the cost but about teaching them to be grateful for the things they do get. I did buy DS a lot of other things he wanted across the trip.

For the record, 10yo has asd and is socially and emotionally behind. He doesn't pick up on social norms unless they are explained to him.

So why did you raise this as an issue in your OP?

Didimum · 21/04/2024 08:55

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 10:04

your 4 year old asks for pens and the reasons you say no is:

  1. they don’t need in a foreign country. Why not because in a foreign country?
  2. nothing to colour in. a 1 euro pad of plain paper?

Buying your 4yr old anything they might ask for when you go shopping, irrespective of price, is terrible parenting.

Didimum · 21/04/2024 08:53

This isn’t really about the city break, the Tesco or whatever the ‘transgressions’ were. Your DH is clearly spoiling for a fight of whatever kind he can find. He sounds miserable - with you, the marriage, with himself, who knows. But happy people don’t behave like this.

Original poster
citybreakaway · 21/04/2024 08:32

Thanks for the feedback. DC are loved and they know this. I do want them to be mannerly though and not spoilt.

For the record, 10yo has asd and is socially and emotionally behind. He doesn't pick up on social norms unless they are explained to him.

With 4 yo and not letting him have the felt tips, DC are very fortunate and get a lot but I don't let them have every single thing they want. It's not about the cost but about teaching them to be grateful for the things they do get. I did buy DS a lot of other things he wanted across the trip.

OP posts:
Longma · 20/04/2024 17:34

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 20/04/2024 09:34

Kids and city breaks is a no from me. But your DH sounds like an arse.

City breaks can be great for children. Dd always enjoyed them. Not all children like the beach 🤷

EverybodyLTB · 20/04/2024 10:05

Your husband sounds like a miserable pig. I would lay money on him being unpleasant in loads or other ways aside from this city break. My EXH was awful on holidays, and one of the precursors to divorce was me stopping going away with him. I started taking the kids on holidays and city breaks myself and, lo and behold, realised it was a husband issue.

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/04/2024 10:05

Your husband is an arse and is literally waiting for things to happen which he can use to punish you. All of what you describe is totally normal family holiday friction and the idea that weeks later he is still punishing you with these things is absurdly childish and punitive.

I would honestly plan to leave when you are in a position to do so. He is vindictive, spiteful and lazy and it doesn’t get better with blokes like him.

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 10:05

So weeks later, DH is still angry at me for all of the above, calling me selfish all the time and saying I make everything about me.

that’s a bit sinister. “weeks later” still angry? bloody hell

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 10:04

your 4 year old asks for pens and the reasons you say no is:

  1. they don’t need in a foreign country. Why not because in a foreign country?
  2. nothing to colour in. a 1 euro pad of plain paper?
LordPercyPercy · 20/04/2024 10:00

but reread. It just doesn’t sound very…. pleasant.

Now read her follow-up post describing how much she enjoys city breaks with her children. Given how many on MN say that city breaks with kids are their idea of hell, she's clearly very fond of them!

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 10:00

I said no as he didn't need them in this foreign city where he had nothing to colour in anyway. DH bought them for him.

He is 4. Surely there was paper available too?

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 09:59

BlowDryRat · 20/04/2024 09:57

Don't be daft. It's normal parenting to correct your kids if they're acting in a way that isn't appropriate for the situation.

Show quote history

absolutely it is

but reread. It just doesn’t sound very…. pleasant.

BlowDryRat · 20/04/2024 09:57

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 09:54

You don’t sound like you like let alone love your family very much Op. in particular your 10 year old son

Don't be daft. It's normal parenting to correct your kids if they're acting in a way that isn't appropriate for the situation.

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 09:54

You don’t sound like you like let alone love your family very much Op. in particular your 10 year old son

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 09:53

single parent here

i too had a city break with my two children

it was happy, chilled, relaxed, no arguments, no tension. And now just happy memories.

Original poster
citybreakaway · 20/04/2024 09:51

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 20/04/2024 09:34

Kids and city breaks is a no from me. But your DH sounds like an arse.

City breaks are generally great with DC.
We live in a very secluded area so when bringing the kids out on city breaks, they are totally in awe. Public transport is a novelty, they love seeing the buildings, walking through city streets, through parks, eating new foods etc and we have had some excellent city breaks with them. They walk and walk and walk and we make great memories.
I agree and think he has been overly difficult.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 20/04/2024 09:50

And his share of parenting @citybreakaway?

BlowDryRat · 20/04/2024 09:50

He sounds horrible. None of those are big or even wrong things. Why would he be angry at all, let alone weeks later?

Longma · 20/04/2024 09:49

You have a dh problem not a holiday problem.

Original poster
citybreakaway · 20/04/2024 09:46

MojoMoon · 20/04/2024 09:32

None of those things are particularly selfish or abnormal things to do.

even if you had done something selfish (and we are all allowed to be selfish sometimes, especially mothers of small children) then what does he expect to be the outcome of bringing it up repeatedly weeks later?

I think he is finding ways to make you doubt yourself, make you feel small, make you feel like you should be apologising to him. Making him the powerful grownup and you the confused, sad child in your relationship dynamic.

That is not a good relationship.

Has he always been like this? Has something changed recently?

I think the same thing and that's why I am doubting myself and coming here to get some unbiased opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
citybreakaway · 20/04/2024 09:44

crumblingschools · 20/04/2024 09:30

So how much parenting and organising did DH do in respect of this holiday (and in fact generally) @citybreakaway

He paid for the flights and accommodation and some bits and pieces in the city which came to around €1,000.
I paid for the airport parking, the expensive attractions, the trains and public transport and food. I've also paid in full for our next holiday (which I hope DH doesn't come on now). This also came to around €1,000.

I am grateful for the money he spent but thats the extent of his 'organising'.

OP posts:
Original poster
citybreakaway · 20/04/2024 09:40

notyouagainbantu · 20/04/2024 09:16

DH being angry weeks later is weird. I get why you were annoyed about the show and I don't think DH should have made a scene about the coffee. I'd personally have found DS saying DECLINED funny. I think farting in a Tesco Express is OK, but I wouldn't do it in a Waitrose.

😂I clearly have this wrong then. I would have told DC not to fart in small size shops like Tesco express and that farting in bigger shops (which I presume Waitrose is?) is less disgusting 😂 thanks for the laugh

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 20/04/2024 09:36

Well clearly he's an arse.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 20/04/2024 09:34

Kids and city breaks is a no from me. But your DH sounds like an arse.

MojoMoon · 20/04/2024 09:32

None of those things are particularly selfish or abnormal things to do.

even if you had done something selfish (and we are all allowed to be selfish sometimes, especially mothers of small children) then what does he expect to be the outcome of bringing it up repeatedly weeks later?

I think he is finding ways to make you doubt yourself, make you feel small, make you feel like you should be apologising to him. Making him the powerful grownup and you the confused, sad child in your relationship dynamic.

That is not a good relationship.

Has he always been like this? Has something changed recently?