To think I can live with a name I hate because it means a lot to dh?

How does this conversation even go?

OP “I wonder what we should call sprog?”
Him “I want to call it Keith Frank after my dead relatives”
OP “I think that’s a bit old fashioned darling and don’t really like it, how about we use those as middle names and do a more modern first name?”
Him “I don’t care that you’ve carried sprog for 9 months, and are going to push a 8 pound baby out your fanny. I want to call it Keith Frank.”

My youngest was born a couple of years after my younger brother died. I wanted his name for a middle name, but my parents found that too upsetting so I used my brothers middle name as his first name. (both names have been family names for a long time)

Apologies - misunderstood what you said. He is being difficult and unreasonable.

I think you need to gently say to your DH what so many posters on here have said, that there is a difference between honouring his brother and father and giving his son a name that rather than allowing him to forge his own identity keeps him handcuffed to memories of the past and dead relatives for whom he has never met and will always be seen by some as an extension of them.
two middle names and then a name he can make his own

DD has my late MIL's name as her middle name. As it's her middle name most people don't know it, but when it does come up we have the "That's an unusual name" "Yes, she's named after her late grandmother" conversation. Fortunately, it's a name I love.

If the names in this case are "old fashioned" in the sense that it would be highly unusual for a baby to be named them in 2024, and it's a first rather than middle name you will constantly be having that conversation. Starting with the midwife in the delivery room.

How does DH feel about this? Would he be pleased if conversations about your new baby constantly segued into conversations about his dead relatives, or would be find it upsetting? What about MIL?

Please don't do it. Use both as middle names.

I don’t think you should have to name your child something you hate. Using both names as middle names is more than fair. It’s your child too and as much as I feel sorry for your DH, he needs to be reasonable and respect your wishes as well.

Both as middle names after a name that you like? You will be using it every day.

Yes this. Absolutely this.

Exactly. Op don’t do it.

Both as middle names if you’re happy to do so but your child deserves their own name that you love too.

Two middle names.
Our eldest has a middle name I don't like because it was important to DH. At the same time, DH would never have made me call our son a name I didn't want for our child. I know it's a sensitive issue but this is your son and it's your decision too.

I actually did exactly this for my DS1. He was named after my DH's uncle (deceased) and father (now deceased). I was not thrilled with the idea at the time but what tipped it for me was that I genuinely had no decent other option and was not really committed to any name of my choosing. I had a whole range of names that I would have gone off I am sure as they were popular at the time and many babies were given them.

I have actually come to really love DS's names. He is 14 now and he does not share the name with any other kid around. Only teachers in their 50s and above. I often get comments about how genuinely unusual it is to have a child that age with that sort of name. I also came to really love the connection. I never met DH's uncle but was very fond of his dad.

DS2 ended up getting my father's name.

But both I and DH are from families that have a tradition of some names being carried on. My middle name is the same that every single female in my family has. DH;s middle name is the same as every oldest male child has. I really like that connection and tradition.

I've never considered that this means my children are not individual humans in their own right. And I have never regretted the decision we made (although it took a while to come around to it!).

YABU
Passing on names in this way is normal in many families, albeit with variations of nicknames (Dorothy becoming Doris then Dolly for example).
You could also give DS a more modern second middle name and have him use that as his main name.

This is exactly what I came to say. Let them be their own person not someone's memory!

I'd have no issue at all with middle names, but a first name is so important to get right and your ds deserves a name that you have given him with love and thought.

Your child deserves their own identity.

I lost a baby at birth, and when my DD had her 1st, she asked if she could use his name as his middle name which I was thrilled with. But I couldn't have kept callling that name out as his first name without a bit of me breaking every time. How would your DH's Mum feel having to do that? Has your DH considered this?

100%

The child will be a walking memorial AND with names his own mother doesn't actually care for. Completely unfair for her husband to be pushing for this.

I would ask him to go to counselling with you and/or grief counselling. If he refuses, I would seriously consider telling him you're taking a step back from the relationship until he does. And you won't be using names that you don't care for and are associated with such grief and sadness. Your child deserves a name that makes you feel happy to say and for the child to be happy to have amongst his generation.

Sadly, you are also going to have to be 'on it' after the baby comes if he's still not listening to reason. Do NOT let him register the baby, as he will do what he wants if he's not engaging with you on this. Have your forms ready to go if he hasn't budged and get yourself an appointment and get them in.

Double middle names is a fair compromise. Anyway, I wouldn't necessarily want my kid to carry the baggage of a first name (and second one!) associated with grief. Like if it's just in honour, that's fine, but this sounds more traumatic/grief filled

Actually this is really valid @lovingthespring have you asked your DH how his mum would feel calling the baby after her husband? That it might hurt her every time she says the exact first/surname as her husband?

This happened in our family and the person doing the naming regretted it.

The sad fact is that people die, all of us. Especially parents etc. He is feeling the loss as he becomes a parent more, but your child needs their own name, even two middle names Is a lot to be named after. Are you planning any more children? Could you say another child will get the second? What happens if half your family die?

Your husband doesn’t get to give them first middle and surname.

The comment about not being a walking memorial bench is fitting.

I couldn't have called any of my children a name I didn't like.

IT really is that simple.

They may have been lovely people, but if you don't want to use their names as first names, you are entitled to feel that way.

This baby is your baby, too, not just your husband's. And you both have to like the name the baby is given.

Another thought, do you like DH name? If you do, you could suggest that as a first name with a different NN to DH’s. Eg DH BIL FIL Surname

Alternatively, suggest honouring both grandfathers with your dad’s name first if you like it.

Neither of these are ideal or possibly even the end goal, but if this was my DH we would need to move by incremental steps. Any big changes to his plan and he’d double down.

You have to be really firm here, you will be calling your child this for the rest of your life. Explain you are happy to use them as middle names but as this is a new life they need a new name. Just because someone has died it doesn't mean you have to use their name. Has you DH even considered that maybe you want to use your Dads name or is he so wrapped up in his grief that he can only think of himself? Your child will have his dead Grandfathers Christian and surname so therefore you need to have input too. Be firm.

Our 3rd son was born 50 weeks after the very sudden death of dhs brother. I refused to use the name as a first name, despite heavy pressure from dh and his family. My son was much wanted in his own right not as a replacement for a dead family member.

You definitely need to pass this by MiL.
The only input my Mum has had on baby names, was a plea not to call our baby after my brother. It would have broken her heart to call a baby after her child who was no longer with us.

I'd go with 2 middle names, and choose a first name you both agree on.