To think I can live with a name I hate because it means a lot to dh?

I didn’t say it was weird to name a child in that way. Lots of people have the view that it isn’t something they want for their child and the child should have their own first name. You said that view was weird, I pointed out that it was likely a majority view so not at all weird.

Huh? What?

What in the world has Instagram got to do with anything?

The OP wants to give her baby a name she actually likes.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Her husband doesn't get to choose the first, middle and last name of the baby she is carrying and override her feelings, no matter how many of his family members have died.

This. Double middle names will have to do.

I don't think it's weird. My ds has my grandfathers name.... Very luckily it's my favourite name anyway and I'd have used it regardless!

It's your body. You are the one growing this baby. Your baby deserves to be hus own person too and not a reminder of the dead.
Middle names is an acceptable compromise. An alternative would finding out the meaning of their names and seeing if you can find names with similar meanings.

It's not in any way weird to name a child after a relative, dead or not. It's becomes their name FFS. People who name kids after celebrities, now that is weird.

I'm sorry for your DH's losses, but it doesn't mean you should be pushed out of the pleasure of naming your baby.

You are the person who will carry the baby for 9 months, will give birth, will feed and largely care for the child in the early months. Frankly he's not doing any of the hard work, you are.

You have generously agreed to have names you don't like as middle names, but he's essentially saying that you have no say in the naming of your child. You are not a baby making machine to provide him with a way to honour his dead family members. That sounds harsh, but he is using you and your child as a way of dealing with his grief. Naming the baby after them won't make his grief go away, only time can help it subside.

His intransigence and refusal to consider your feelings is disrespectful to you as the person who is actually bringing this baby into the world.

Trying to decide between two different, meaningful names is difficult, but I'd say mum gets final say. Doubly so if taking dad's surname.

But vetoing a meaningful name that would mean a lot to a grieving spouse just becuse you want an as yet to be decided but more instagrammable "modern" name is awful.

You don't say how old your DHs brother was when he died, but I am assuming he died young. This to me, would feel like bad luck to name your baby after someone who was so unlucky. A bit like tempting fate.

But yes, it's also vital that this baby has his own identity. And naming him after dead relatives, is only going to serve as a reminder every single day, of the people who are dead. Very unhealthy, imo.

And where does it end? If you have a girl after this, will she have to be named after his Grandma Dot?

In 20 years time, you might not even be with your DH, which would make you even more resentful.

When I was pregnant, my (then) H wanted to give the children Irish names that were very old fashioned, and also impossible to spell. Purely because his parents were born in Ireland (they left when they were children). I put my foot down and said No.

I would be very wary of the impact on a child, intentional or otherwise, of bearing the burden of a dead relatives name and perhaps living in their shadow. Your child won’t know these relatives, and therefore the names won’t have the significance they hold for other family members.

Contradicting yourself there.

(I should add that DS likes his name, if he didn't that would be another matter.)

@lovingthespring One of the most special parts of having a baby is coming up with a name you both love. If you go along with the names your husband wants, you don’t get to experience that.

I can’t help but come back to the fact that it’s already the mother doing all of the hard work of pregnancy and childbirth, perhaps making sacrifices in your career, and to breastfeed if you should choose to. And to then not get a say in babes name either?

Also, as therapist, I would be very wary of the impact on a child, intentional or otherwise, of bearing the burden of a dead relatives name and perhaps living in their shadow. Your child won’t know these relatives, and therefore the names won’t have the significance they hold for other family members. Maybe your husband could add these names to his own by deed poll?

I didn't want to use the name DH wanted to for our firstborn. It is his (living) brother's name and an uncle's and great uncle's too - much more common where he is from, not used much here and defs an old man name. But it meant so much to DH, he had always dreamed of having a son and calling him this so in the end I said yes and gave a middle name after one of my brothers.

Before the kid is born the name is so important because you peg so many imaginings of your child to it but once the real child is in front of you the name becomes secondary to who actually they are, especially as they grow.

I still don't love it for itself but it's my son's name so I do. Incidentally we moved to Scotland where it is far more common, though still not used for kids. (I've never met another his age.)

That's not to say you SHOULD agree to this, but just that you won't necessarily regret or resent it if you do.

I chose DS2's name and listened to DH's opinions but with the understanding it was ultimately up to me.

I like "naming after." I don't think it makes a child a memorial or robs them of identity, honestly I think that's very silly.

It is the same in my culture, I would say however that most are a bit resentful of being saddled with a name they hate to honour someone they never met… unless the name has remained in fashion.

Agree. Quite a lot of posters have made a very similar point so it is obviously not a minority view.

My friends MIL died in an accident while she was pregnant with first grandchild, which was a girl. So baby dully named after dead grandma, who unfortunately had a name very much of her generation…eventually her DH turned out to be an absolute arse so she’s now divorced with her eldest given a name she dislikes.
Use them as middle names, and find a first name you both like.

It’s weirder that you think this is weird. You mightn’t agree, but I’d bet that it’s the majority view.

This. My mother, my sister, my aunt are in memoriams who absolutely hate their names. I was spared of being one as my dad made the point that was also the name of the bartender at their local.

Choose a name he can live with. You are carrying your child for 9 months and literally bringing them up for decades so you bloody have the right to have a say on how they are named.

Two middle names as my family do

How bloody selfish of your husband that he thinks he essentially gets to pick first, middle and surname for your child with zero input from you. I’d be telling him the baby can have those two as middle names, my surname, and a first name we both agree on, thank you very much.

I think it depends on the names. If the names were traditional names like James, Edward, John, I’d be fine with it. Reggie or Roy not so much.

If you want “modern” names like Kai, Tate, Ethan I wouldn’t be happy with that.

My own son has my dad’s name as his middle name.
A close friend of mine tragically lost her younger brother when we were teenagers. She named her son his first name, and later said she struggled daily with it for the first year as was very hard emotionally to be calling his name to someone else.

Yes you can. I let my dh choose our first daughters name. It's a name I hated. But it's fine. She's a teen now and it never crosses my mind.

I lost a wonderful Aunty and wanted to call my DD after her .However , I settled on it as a middle name in the end .Apart from anything else I felt it would be upsetting calling her name if she was running off or whatever

If the names are like Reginald and Bertrand than I understand, but if they are Tom and James, can you compromise on variants? Tommy, Jimmy...? Extremely crap examples of the point I am trying to make.

Me and DH chose an "L" name for our first DD as both our mother's had names starting with "L" we didn't realise this until afterwards that we were constantly led by that letter - any compromise with letters/initials?