To think I can live with a name I hate because it means a lot to dh?

What happened in the end?

My husband has a traditional (old fashioned) family name. We gave our oldest the same name as a mark of respect, but we use his middle name. Caused a bit of confusion at school, and a lot at army college, but it was, and is all fine. The strangest thing was that his best friend at school had the same name - and used it. And believe me it’s a name you never hear in boys born in the 90’s. ( think effeminate dancer famous on tv, or lovely soul singer.

It’s not- I was responding ti someone saying they were vehemently against using family names for a first name. They didn’t specify ugly names or old fashioned names they were just against any family names. Which is an outlier opinion I’d say!

Is your first name Beryl or Bertha or Brenda? Because that is presumably the type of name the OP is not wanting to use.
And would you be happy to have had those names as your first name?

Your other examples are middle names.

I wanted to use my sister name (who died many years ago) as a middle name for our first dd. Party because it would have felt weird to use as a first name and it's a very typical 80's name so not really current.

Our second child dh wanted to honour his grandmother. She used a nickname always so think similar to Elizabeth/lizzie. We called our dd the full name as her first name (very popular name in top 5 at that time) but she ended up with a different nickname ie Liz. Although it was a nice link it never felt weird although calling her Lizzie would have.

I think middle names is a reasonable compromise. Would you expect your dh to accept a name he didn't like. ? Your child's name is a huge part of your life you both need to be comfortable with it.

I know someone who named their child after a (alive) grandfather who was called Brian, they went with Brian Junior or BJ 😬

Me too! I still cringe when I tell anyone my son's name & he's 17 now! Wish I'd stuck to my guns at the time.

But they’re already tied into their heritage with their surname.

If you’re happy with it, that’s all that matters though.

That is a bit weird, names with a connection are often very valued and tie people into their heritage. My name is my great aunts, and I think that’s nice. My husbands middle name is his grandpas. But both parents would have been happy with the choice!

To be honest I’m vehemently against babies having family given names. The surname is the family name and I think they should have their own name, first and middle. They are their own person.

I wanted to use my brothers name as a middle name if we had a son (he passed at aged 2) but actually decided against it as thought it would be very morbid to name after a dead person…. Plus someone else in the family used it and their baby also died tragically far too young.
Personally I think he’s being unreasonable to force names on you that you don’t like….. his dad and brother aren’t around so maybe there are living relatives you’d like to honour!?
We ended up having a girl and she has the same middle name as me, which is also my mothers first name.. my mum was thrilled I’d name my only child after her. But she has her own first name which hasn’t been used in the family ever.
Just tell him honestly that you don’t like the names enough to give them as first names, but two second names is nice…. I don’t think you should have to have names you don’t like!… he wouldn’t do the same for you I can guarantee it

Can you name them some thing close. Richter = Richard
Or are the names easy to turn into a nickname?
William = Billy
Or even the initials.
My son decided one year he wanted to be called CC.

Have you managed to have a conversation with your OH yet OP?

So of your baby's potential 4 names (if you're even able to get him to go with two middle), DH wants to link 3 of them to his family? What about you? The fact baby will have his surname already 'honours' his side, what about you?

That is so not my experience. DS1 is named after DH's dead uncle. The only comments we had at the time were along the lines of; 'Oh how nice to keep the name going on' and the odd 'how lovely, XX would have been thrilled'. that was it. It's his name and that is that. Calling DS by his name has l never triggered a conversation- maudlin or otherwise.

I think they should be middle names and an individual unique name for baby 🧸🥰 I never liked babies being first named after someone

Could you use a variation on one of the names as a first name? Eg if his father was John using Jack or Sean or Liam instead of William.

Or using the same name but a different abbreviation/nickname say.

I'm named for two of my grandparents but don't have the same name as either of them.

How is that a compromise? Op deserves to pick out a name she likes for the child she literally made with her body.
If she does that her kids name will be:
Dead husband relative firstname, middle name and surname.

Did the dead relatives have any middle names you liked, which could be used as a first name for your baby? That seems like a good compromise.

Also every time you child is called Malcolm or whatever it is, it will trigger a conversation about the dead person.

Did you come to an agreement in the end ?

No but I did name my DD after my dead grandmother. Its a lovely name and she died 20 years before DD was born. It's very much her name now, I'm pretty confident she won't end up traumatised and without her own identity because of it!

What strange imaginations some people have.

Only in a culture where people are weirdly squeamish about death would anyone dream up a conversation like that.

Meanwhile, in other cultures, it's a very normal thing to do, and children often feel very special as a result of bearing the name of someone who meant a lot to their parent/s.

Naming a baby after dead relatives is awful. Push for middle names if you can

You are already being overly kind by offering to include names you don't like as middle names.

A child should have a name that both their parents love. Anything else will breed resentment. Names are also so important for bonding and using the wrong one as a pp can lead to pnd.

Myself I wouldn't even use as middle names. I find using dead or living relatives names narcissistic and ghoulish. Your child deserves his own unique and beautiful name. He is not a tombstone or the second coming of relatives. He will be completely his own person and his name should reflect that.

My best friend considered doing this and naming my goddaughter after her younger sister, who had died. In the end, for various reasons she didn't, but gave her the name as a middle name.
That baby is a young woman now and loves her name, loves the sentiment behind her middle name, but is glad she was able to be her own person - not having family members constantly compare her to someone who had sadly passed away. It simply feels right this way.

Separately - this is your baby too, and you need to have a say in their name. You are not being unkind, but your husband possibly is... Pregnancy and birth is a huge thing to go through, guilt tripping you into these names with zero discussion, like you have no say in the matter, is really not nice. I know why it's happening given his grief, and I know you feel for him - but keep talking and try to work through giving your little boy his own name.

All names should be agreed between you.
You are both his parents
Assuming the baby will take his fathers surname ( or you double barrel ) the family is always remembered.

You have equal say OP.