Page 7 | Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

Borntorun123 · 2024-04-20T05:27:54+00:00

NC for this. I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year. My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited. I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible. She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do. Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided ( charged) , and just one restaurant. I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky. She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon. I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum. AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

0sm0nthus · 21/04/2024 14:26

OP could just say, sure I'll look all that up and get back to you. And then not get back to her.
If friend contacts her about the things she promised to look up then just tell her she hasn't had time and keep on using that excuse 🤷🏼‍♀️
There are lots of ways one could wriggle out of this while still avoiding the need to say 'no I will not be your free personal assistant'!

sonjadog · 21/04/2024 14:18

From your last post, it does sound more like she wants a personal assistant to go on holiday with than a friend. All those details she could find out herself, not demand of a friend.

0sm0nthus · 21/04/2024 14:04

OP, based on what you said my feeling is that your friend is lacking self-awareness, has kidded herself that you're getting more out of the holiday than she is and that's why she feels able to make these demands of you.
All very awkward😬 I think I would take a 'nip it in the bud' approach, make polite excuses and swerve her, etc

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2024 13:59

Borntorun123 · 21/04/2024 13:57

Pretty much that she’d like to go away again and asking me to check out various locations, flights.
She had a few additional requirements for me to research regarding facilities this time., mostly to do with things which weren’t so great last time.
She now knows I won’t be going so things are on hold until she finds someone else to accompany her.

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Oh, you’ve told her-how did that conversation go, what did you say?

Original poster

Borntorun123 · 21/04/2024 13:57

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2024 13:04

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before

What did she actually say?

Pretty much that she’d like to go away again and asking me to check out various locations, flights.
She had a few additional requirements for me to research regarding facilities this time., mostly to do with things which weren’t so great last time.
She now knows I won’t be going so things are on hold until she finds someone else to accompany her.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2024 13:04

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before

What did she actually say?

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2024 12:58

MattDamon · 21/04/2024 12:47

Take the disability out of it. You didn't enjoy the trip. It's perfectly reasonable to not want to repeat it. Have some polite excuses ready and stick to the usual meet up activities you both enjoy.

Absolutely-it’s fine to not do another holiday because you didn’t enjoy it. I’d say something along the lines of ‘I don’t think so-I think we probably enjoy quite different types of holidays, to be honest. Shall we look at meeting up and doing <insert something you both like doing and do typically together-lunch/local gardens/theatre/spa etc> ? What dates can you do?’

She might be a bit disappointed but that’s ok-there no obligation here on either side.

MattDamon · 21/04/2024 12:47

Take the disability out of it. You didn't enjoy the trip. It's perfectly reasonable to not want to repeat it. Have some polite excuses ready and stick to the usual meet up activities you both enjoy.

burnoutbabe · 21/04/2024 12:15

pikkumyy77 · 21/04/2024 03:26

Why is it so hard for people to admit that the OP’s description of her experience is simply true? Her friend is technology impaired, likes one beach snd one restaurant , and doesn’t like walking. That would be true whether she is disabled or not. Its not the kind of holiday OP wants. So she shouldn’t agree to go again.

Indeed.

Surely many of us have been on holiday with people and it just isn't something you want to repeat. I have done it with university mates when older and that was okay as we lived together before.

Other people would drive me mad on holiday so we have done group trips which works better.

It's different to holidaying with a loved one who you can row with and make up. Far more likely to bite your lip if it's a friend.

wombat15 · 21/04/2024 11:04

KimberleyClark · 21/04/2024 10:47

Yes many people seem to be missing the point that the friend is expecting OP to book the holiday, do all the admin which she should be capable of doing herself. And also that she expects OP to pay for incidental expenses like taxis and meals which should be joint. Being disabled is not an excuse for CFery.

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Maybe the friend thinks that if OP books the holiday she will be booking something she likes. Regardless, as OP doesn't want to go she doesn't have to do anything.

KimberleyClark · 21/04/2024 10:47

willowthecat · 21/04/2024 10:31

Good idea - I think some people are not picking up on the point that she is asking you to arrange another holiday within weeks of returning from the first one. You should not be guilt tripped into thinking this is acceptable. I do think your friend needs other outlets for the desire to socialise but it's not your sole responsibility to shore up the gap - other friends and family members need to help her too

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Yes many people seem to be missing the point that the friend is expecting OP to book the holiday, do all the admin which she should be capable of doing herself. And also that she expects OP to pay for incidental expenses like taxis and meals which should be joint. Being disabled is not an excuse for CFery.

wombat15 · 21/04/2024 10:43

willowthecat · 21/04/2024 10:31

Good idea - I think some people are not picking up on the point that she is asking you to arrange another holiday within weeks of returning from the first one. You should not be guilt tripped into thinking this is acceptable. I do think your friend needs other outlets for the desire to socialise but it's not your sole responsibility to shore up the gap - other friends and family members need to help her too

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She isn't being guilt tripped. The friend just asked and all op has to do is say no.

willowthecat · 21/04/2024 10:41

My ds1 is severely disabled and we have not been on a holiday for many years now but I don't think disability is the issue here, it's the unrealistic expectation that one friend can organise frequent holidays - another to be booked within weeks of getting back from the first one !

echt · 21/04/2024 10:40

wombat15 · 21/04/2024 10:37

I absolutely agree that op shouldn't go on another holiday with the friend if she doesn't want to but the idea that she had to do lots of organising is a bit laughable. She booked a holiday which involved going to one beach and a restaurant. It's normal for one person to do the booking on the internet if friends go on holiday. I often do it. Hardly a huge job.

She surely had to get supplies for herself anyway and it's not the friends fault she can't go far. OP could have gone off on her own sometimes. The only thing the friend did wrong is not pay her share.

Edited

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Try reading the OP's OP, she did way more than that.

wombat15 · 21/04/2024 10:37

Catsmere · 21/04/2024 08:50

After OP had to do all the organising (because friend won't do anything but social media on computer), running around buying supplies for which friend didn't repay her, limiting her own holiday to the one beach and one restaurant friend liked, and listening to friend complain when things didn't go exactly as wanted. That was no holiday for OP, she was being friend's PA. One "holiday" like that would be more than enough.

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I absolutely agree that op shouldn't go on another holiday with the friend if she doesn't want to but the idea that she had to do lots of organising is a bit laughable. She booked a holiday which involved going to one beach and a restaurant. It's normal for one person to do the booking on the internet if friends go on holiday. I often do it. Hardly a huge job.

She surely had to get supplies for herself anyway and it's not the friends fault she can't go far. OP could have gone off on her own sometimes. The only thing the friend did wrong is not pay her share.

Tryingtobewellbalanced · 21/04/2024 10:37

I just want to say that I sound to have similar needs to your friend OP.

I invited a friend on holiday with me, but made it very clear that I was just a base person, she would have to find her own entertainment and she did go out exploring.

On the other note where posters have said she should get a carer to take her on holiday. I have similar needs and the government have said I don't so I don't get any money or support. I get 134pw ESA contrinution based (so not out of public tax payer purse). I think anybody who has posted such suggestions on here are going to get a very rude awakening if they have the misfortune of ever getting ME/cfs/long covid. Nobody will want to go on holiday with you and you will be isolated with no government support or money (unless you have your own private means then you can always spend that).

Some of the comments on this thread are seriously depressing, especially some of the things people have told OP to say to her friend who has not chosen mobility issues.

willowthecat · 21/04/2024 10:31

Borntorun123 · 20/04/2024 19:37

I have found many of these replies really useful, especially the ones relating to my factual posts and not the poster’s imagined narrative of what happened. I am not getting into details of why I did or didn’t do things, as the past cannot be changed.
My friend had a good holiday. I did not. I was content to leave this matter in the past.
Whilst I explained in my OP in this anonymous forum, my reasons for not wanting to spend another holiday with her, in the several weeks that have elapsed since our return I have not mentioned this to anyone in real life.
In fact I have been helped in reaching my decision about what to do by one of the more vociferous of the 4% of people who feel I ABU.
My friend is a friend. Neither of us would describe the other as a Best Friend.
The person who said to be a caring, supportive friend or not is actually right. I now know what is involved and if I am not prepared to make the necessary sacrifices with good grace, I shouldn’t put us in that position again.
I have arranged to meet my friend for coffee tomorrow morning and I will explain as tactfully as I can that I have already made plans for Autumn, and can’t commit to another week long holiday abroad for the foreseeable future. If she pushes I will have to tell her that a holiday abroad is more responsibility than I feel comfortable with, which is accurate.

Good idea - I think some people are not picking up on the point that she is asking you to arrange another holiday within weeks of returning from the first one. You should not be guilt tripped into thinking this is acceptable. I do think your friend needs other outlets for the desire to socialise but it's not your sole responsibility to shore up the gap - other friends and family members need to help her too

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2024 10:14

Borntorun123 · 20/04/2024 19:37

I have found many of these replies really useful, especially the ones relating to my factual posts and not the poster’s imagined narrative of what happened. I am not getting into details of why I did or didn’t do things, as the past cannot be changed.
My friend had a good holiday. I did not. I was content to leave this matter in the past.
Whilst I explained in my OP in this anonymous forum, my reasons for not wanting to spend another holiday with her, in the several weeks that have elapsed since our return I have not mentioned this to anyone in real life.
In fact I have been helped in reaching my decision about what to do by one of the more vociferous of the 4% of people who feel I ABU.
My friend is a friend. Neither of us would describe the other as a Best Friend.
The person who said to be a caring, supportive friend or not is actually right. I now know what is involved and if I am not prepared to make the necessary sacrifices with good grace, I shouldn’t put us in that position again.
I have arranged to meet my friend for coffee tomorrow morning and I will explain as tactfully as I can that I have already made plans for Autumn, and can’t commit to another week long holiday abroad for the foreseeable future. If she pushes I will have to tell her that a holiday abroad is more responsibility than I feel comfortable with, which is accurate.

Good for you, I hope it all goes well tomorrow.

graceinspace999 · 21/04/2024 09:51

wombat15 · 21/04/2024 08:10

I think it is the nasty abelist attitudes by some posters on this thread that matter.

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@wombat15 I agree.

This thread contains some of the nastiest attitudes I’ve come across and is making me lose the will to live.

graceinspace999 · 21/04/2024 09:37

LemonPeonies · 20/04/2024 23:49

@graceinspace999 you're missing the point. I didn't generalise to say anything about disabled people. I'm pointing out this particular "friend" needs to sort how she will travel and get about rather than relying on someone she's supposed to be enjoying a holiday with. She sounds like she lacks insight into how her lack of capabilities affect others.

You did actually.

Now she ‘lacks insight into how her lack of capabilities affect others.’

I don’t think she’s the only one lacking insight.

Catsmere · 21/04/2024 08:50

wombat15 · 21/04/2024 08:40

In what way has she made OP feel as if she has to do something? All she has done is ask OP if she wants to ho on holiday. All OP has to do is say no.🙄

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After OP had to do all the organising (because friend won't do anything but social media on computer), running around buying supplies for which friend didn't repay her, limiting her own holiday to the one beach and one restaurant friend liked, and listening to friend complain when things didn't go exactly as wanted. That was no holiday for OP, she was being friend's PA. One "holiday" like that would be more than enough.

pasturesgreen · 21/04/2024 08:43

Good for you, OP! Your last update sounds for the best, well done.

A holiday is not a human right, and your friend sounds as though she was edging dangerously close to cf teritory. Leaving all the planning to you then commenting when things didn't go exactly as expected, not on. Also, she must have realized all those little trips to the shop would have added up for you, yet she kept silent and let you be out of pocket.

Ultimately I think it says a lot if even her own sisters (not just one, as that may well be a personality clash, but apparently all her sisters) are refusing to go on holiday with her. She needs to pay her own way and go with a carer.

wombat15 · 21/04/2024 08:40

BlueLimeRun · 21/04/2024 08:18

@wombat15 no one is entitled to make others feel they have to do something. It’s nothing to do with disability.

In what way has she made OP feel as if she has to do something? All she has done is ask OP if she wants to ho on holiday. All OP has to do is say no.🙄

BlueLimeRun · 21/04/2024 08:18

@wombat15 no one is entitled to make others feel they have to do something. It’s nothing to do with disability.

wombat15 · 21/04/2024 08:10

BlueLimeRun · 21/04/2024 07:59

It’s the OP’s experience and thoughts that matter in this scenario- not yours @wombat15

I think it is the nasty abelist attitudes by some posters on this thread that matter.