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Original poster

Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

461 replies

Borntorun123 · 20/04/2024 06:27

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/04/2024 21:16

NoisySnail · 21/04/2024 20:13

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine the friend only used a wheelchair in the airport.

I hadn't picked up on that, thanks. I expect she'd use it a lot more if she'd agree to go anywhere and do anything on holiday.

Cammac · 21/04/2024 21:01

NoisySnail · 21/04/2024 18:15

Friendships need to be equal?
So I should never be friends with a young mother with a baby as I may need to adapt what we do to meet her needs?
And certainly should never be friends with a mother with a child with autism where we need to adjust where and when we go.
Is that really what you are suggesting?

You can be friends with whoever you choose to be friends with. You can go on holiday with whoever you choose to. That doesn’t mean you have to if you’re not getting anything from the experience. Everyone gets a choice in life.

NoisySnail · 21/04/2024 20:55

@BlueLimeRun she is under no obligation to go on holiday with anyone. But she was not the friends carer either.

Gettingonmygoat · 21/04/2024 20:50

graceinspace999 · 20/04/2024 21:21

So is your friend representative of all disabled people?

If you are also disabled how could your pub-loving ‘friend’ expect you to be her carer?

Also who said it was OP’s job or responsibility to be her carer?

I don’t have any booze-mad painkiller swallowing friends but if I did I wouldn’t go on holiday with them whether they are disabled or not. Neither would I be their friend.

I’m only friends with people I like so have no need to discuss their issues on forums.

OP did not mention that her friend had a liking for booze and pills so I don’t see the relevance of your post.

Show quote history

You do realise there are many degrees of disabled.

BlueLimeRun · 21/04/2024 20:48

NoisySnail · 21/04/2024 20:13

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine the friend only used a wheelchair in the airport.

What does it matter? It’s not a holiday the OP wishes to do and she’s under no obligation to go.

NoisySnail · 21/04/2024 20:13

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine the friend only used a wheelchair in the airport.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/04/2024 19:28

Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I've missed any major updates. Just want to add my thoughts as a wheelchair user myself. Your friend is taking the piss. Yes sometimes you have to rely on other people for help, but that doesn't absolve you of all responsibility for yourself.

Why are you the one doing all the research and organising before the holiday? She's the one who knows what she can and can't manage, that should be on her.

Also, scooter and wheelchair technology has come a long way in recent years. If she can't afford to buy a folding scooter or electric wheelchair you can rent them from shopmobility to take on holiday (or at least you used to be able to, I've owned my own for a while now so apologies if that has changed). You shouldn't have to be pushing her everywhere.

She absolutely should be giving you money towards the shopping and things like that too. I'd be embarrassed to have someone paying for me all the time. I often ask friends to go to the bar for me when we're out because I can't stand up for long, and then can't carry the drinks because I have to walk with two sticks. More often than not this results in them saying they'll just buy my drink and I have to insist that I pay because I am dependent on other people to do the carrying and I'd end up feeling like I couldn't ask anyone if I wasn't paying.

If you're thinking you'd manage another holiday with this friend, tell her she has to do the research. You could phrase it that you found it really stressful trying to make sure it's right for her, whereas she knows her own situation so much better than you do. If she pushes back on that then you have to be firm. You are not her carer, and she needs to take responsibility for herself.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2024 19:18

It might just be easier to go on an all inclusive holiday in a hotel Infront of the beach. This might resolve it all? Especially if you are already forking out more money due to taxis.

OP said she does budget holidays so is probably unlikely to want an all-inclusive beach holiday.

Anyway, sounds like it’s all sorted now.

Whatinthedoopla · 21/04/2024 19:15

I can go on holiday with family members who have mobility issues, and have no issues with it.

However, if I were to go on holiday with a friend who had mobility issues, I'd probably only go on one a year.

Your friend needs to be checking what the paths are like too, it's not just on you, unless she can't use the internet?

It might just be easier to go on an all inclusive holiday in a hotel Infront of the beach. This might resolve it all? Especially if you are already forking out more money due to taxis.

SaveMyArchitrave · 21/04/2024 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlueLimeRun · 21/04/2024 19:00

Well there are 2-3 amazingly selfless people on this thread 🙄
Maybe you could set up a travel company - doing all the research of course and paying for sundries.

People have limited AL and it’s perfectly reasonable to spend it as you wish.

Its completely differently to helping family members - but you know that.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2024 18:31

It’s perfectly reasonable to go on holiday with a friend (or family member!) and not want to do it again-the OP has free will!

Janiie · 21/04/2024 18:31

NoisySnail · 21/04/2024 18:15

Friendships need to be equal?
So I should never be friends with a young mother with a baby as I may need to adapt what we do to meet her needs?
And certainly should never be friends with a mother with a child with autism where we need to adjust where and when we go.
Is that really what you are suggesting?

It's crazy isn't it. I wonder how some people would cope on a trip with an aged parent who god forbid may curtail activities due to being a bit slow on their feet, or say a friend who had mh issues and struggled with anxiety.

I suppose the answer is they don't mix with such people. Only strong independent people thankyou very much.

How very small some people's worlds must be.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/04/2024 18:25

NoisySnail, they need to be in balance, that's probably a better description.

Where am I telling you or even suggesting to you that you should or shouldn't be friends with whomever you want? Don't we all make adaptations as we need to? I know that I do, it certainly doesn't need explaining to met either.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're not just posting for an argument because I'm not engaging with that nonsense, there's been enough of that on this thread.

NoisySnail · 21/04/2024 18:15

Friendships need to be equal?
So I should never be friends with a young mother with a baby as I may need to adapt what we do to meet her needs?
And certainly should never be friends with a mother with a child with autism where we need to adjust where and when we go.
Is that really what you are suggesting?

Janiie · 21/04/2024 18:12

'Liking different things isn't something anybody needs to apologise for'

'Liking different things'. Did you read the op? Not so much about different preferences, rather different abilities due to the friend's mobility problems.

There must have been crossed wires, the op didn't seem to realise she may need to adapt her activities and the friend seemed to think that wouldn't have been a problem.

Not everyone is able to support other people so it is good that the op has realised, albeit 1 holiday late.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/04/2024 17:58

Borntorun123 · 21/04/2024 13:57

Pretty much that she’d like to go away again and asking me to check out various locations, flights.
She had a few additional requirements for me to research regarding facilities this time., mostly to do with things which weren’t so great last time.
She now knows I won’t be going so things are on hold until she finds someone else to accompany her.

Show quote history

Good for you. Friendships need to be equal and not morph into other roles otherwise they cease to be friendships.

Liking different things isn't something anybody needs to apologise for. Now that it's clear you and your friend can make your separate holiday plans and both have what you want.

SadieSeptember · 21/04/2024 17:55

The Splitwise app is good for recording expenses whoever you decide to go on holiday with. It’s all transparent and you settle up at the end

NoisySnail · 21/04/2024 17:48

pikkumyy77 · 21/04/2024 03:26

Why is it so hard for people to admit that the OP’s description of her experience is simply true? Her friend is technology impaired, likes one beach snd one restaurant , and doesn’t like walking. That would be true whether she is disabled or not. Its not the kind of holiday OP wants. So she shouldn’t agree to go again.

OP did not say her friend liked one beach and one restaurant. She said because of her friends disability she could not access anywhere else. That is what people were querying.

Janiie · 21/04/2024 17:12

Borntorun123 · 21/04/2024 14:27

It went ok. It’s not a conversation that I would want to have again.
I took notice of many suggestions on here and said I was pleased that she had a good holiday ( which is true), but I think we want different things from holidays. She did push a bit, but couldn’t argue about the basic fact that our holiday preferences weren’t compatible.
She mentioned a third friend who would possibly accompany her but probably couldn’t afford it. She does get high rate PIP but it wasn’t for me to suggest that she might consider using it to help that friend. She might reach that conclusion. Either way I am out of the picture, but will help with research if needed.

Show quote history

Glad you're out of the picture. Let's hope she chats with the other friend, as you point out if she gets high rate PIP she could pay for her..

Just be honest and tell her you're too busy to research but if she rings a travel agent they will be more helpful and knowledgeable regarding accessible properties. Then step back.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2024 16:17

Borntorun123 · 21/04/2024 14:27

It went ok. It’s not a conversation that I would want to have again.
I took notice of many suggestions on here and said I was pleased that she had a good holiday ( which is true), but I think we want different things from holidays. She did push a bit, but couldn’t argue about the basic fact that our holiday preferences weren’t compatible.
She mentioned a third friend who would possibly accompany her but probably couldn’t afford it. She does get high rate PIP but it wasn’t for me to suggest that she might consider using it to help that friend. She might reach that conclusion. Either way I am out of the picture, but will help with research if needed.

Show quote history

Well done, glad you got that sorted :)

pikkumyy77 · 21/04/2024 16:07

Well done OP.

Marbledleaves678 · 21/04/2024 15:35

Tryingtobewellbalanced · 20/04/2024 20:31

This is why being disabled is so isolating. People don't want to get involved if the relationship runs the risk of having to care more about the other persons needs than their own. I'm not saying it is right or wrong, just what happens to disabled people. That is said without guilt tripping, it isnt anybodies job to care for their friends, but is it societies job through taxation and support. Give those with disabilities the means to be independent and have a life worth living. Because it can happen to anyone.

That’s a very fair point.

TayceOnToast · 21/04/2024 14:49

Well done OP! 👏

Original poster
Borntorun123 · 21/04/2024 14:27

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2024 13:59

Oh, you’ve told her-how did that conversation go, what did you say?

Show quote history

It went ok. It’s not a conversation that I would want to have again.
I took notice of many suggestions on here and said I was pleased that she had a good holiday ( which is true), but I think we want different things from holidays. She did push a bit, but couldn’t argue about the basic fact that our holiday preferences weren’t compatible.
She mentioned a third friend who would possibly accompany her but probably couldn’t afford it. She does get high rate PIP but it wasn’t for me to suggest that she might consider using it to help that friend. She might reach that conclusion. Either way I am out of the picture, but will help with research if needed.

OP posts: