Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

*She might only have used one in the airport but really if she's not fit to walk round an airport then it's indicative that she's not fit to wander round tourist attractions either.

Op felt the holiday was limited by the friends mobility issues.* Why on earth wouldn't the friend use a wheelchair to see more places?

I do get this - my Dad had COPD and while there was nothing wrong with his mobility per se, he couldn't hurry or walk up steep steps or inclines. In later years my parents would book ground floor hotel rooms & assistance at the airport. This meant they were still able to be active and got around a lot of European resorts by using local buses.

I don't think OP's friend wanted to be active though - and they had different expectations of what to do on holiday.

The really sad thig about this thread is that it contains so many of the attitudes that you dread your friends thinking about you when you become disabled- that you're boring, needy, that you need a 'carer', that you exist mainly to slow other people down or restrict them. And god forbid you're not anything less than 100% positive or demeaningly grateful.
It is possible to be disabled and have friends who enjoys your company and want to go places with you.

Lots of people can't move at the speed sometimes required in airports. Doesn’t mean they cannot move around tourist attractions, albeit more slowly. Regardless, OP could probably have gone to see things by herself.

The pro Ozp/choice faction has not asserted the OP was a saint. While some think she was asked to do more care like/attendant activities than she wanted that is a perfectly fair reading if the situation. The word “carer” seems to be a bit of a hot button issue for some posters but its not a term of art like Doctor or Pilot—there can be many gradations of the term.

The OP has in fact been roundly excoriated—as have the rest of us—for lacking compassion and being unkind for being unwilling to spend (even if only in imagination) a scarce holiday tied to the friends limited needs and choices.

I stand by my comment.

She can be both a good friend and enjoyable company in general, yet also still be an unsuitable regular travelling companion for you.

She had a few additional requirements for me to research regarding facilities this time., mostly to do with things which weren’t so great last time.

This is CF territory. She really does see you as her secretary.

She might only have used one in the airport but really if she's not fit to walk round an airport then it's indicative that she's not fit to wander round tourist attractions either.

Op felt the holiday was limited by the friends mobility issues.

Why on earth wouldn't the friend use a wheelchair to see more places?

I don't think that people are "attacking or humiliating" OP and almost everyone thinks that if she doesn't want to go on holiday with the friend, she is absolutely entitled not to. For me the bad attitude is more from other posters. While I think the holiday was certainly quite restricted and OP is entitled to not like that type of holiday, the idea that the OP was a carer and saint just because she went on holiday with someone who can't walk very far is ridiculous. Disabled people are not burdens and their friends family are not automatically carers.

It does sound as the friend needs to be 'taken' on holiday the way her parents used to - that may not be heavy duty care but it's still a commitment. It's also worrying that the friend comments on 'failures' but won't arrange a holiday herself. I do feel sorry for her but there's a danger of greater hurt later on if a line isn't drawn now.

For the purposes of attacking and humiliating the OP as lacking compassion:the friend is totally disabled and vulnerable—absolutely stranded, isolated, financially vulnerable, and unable to arrange anything or travel independently.

For the purposes of undermining the Op and, again, attacking and humiliating as a bitchy show off: her the friend is only lightly mobility impaired and needed nothing more done for her than any other person on holiday so all accommodations and acts contrary to her own holiday wishes were (supposedly) exaggerated by OP.

Is that clear? Its schroedinger’s cheeky friend: neither dependent nor independent.

Why are you insulting me? I absolutely am very aware and tolerant of the many challenges those with disabilities face. Trying to live normal lives and go on holiday being one of said challenges.

I'm not at all tolerant of able bodied folk complaining about how it impacts them though.

I don't think anyone can accuse you of having tolerance and awareness.

'Much of the attitude towards this person is due to attitudes towards disabled people in general e.g. that they are a burden, that anyone who spends time with them is essentially a carer and doing them a massive favour and/or should be paid for it. The only thing that I would describe as CF as not paying for half the costs. The rest could just be lack of communication. e.g. maybe the friend thought that by booking the holiday OP would choose something she likes. Some people do just go to one beach and eat in one place on holiday and booking that type of holiday is not much effort.'

This. Some of you need to develop some tolerance and awareness.

<disclaimer yes the op is absolutely entitled to not go on holiday with her disabled 'friend' ever again>.

Yes, there is right or wrong and trying to guilt trip the OP into going on holiday with her friend again is wrong.

'There's a cohort on this thread that are not interested in any other views than their own and they'll carry on until the thread dies. '

Hmm, a bit pot and kettle there. We all feel strongly and that is fine. We're allowed to debate and disagree. There's no right or wrong but when we are talking about disability and wheelchairs compassion should be evident. Less talk about 'the paid lounger' on the one boring beach and more about the good bits would have been nice

She's not blaming her. You have very black and white thinking. She just doesn't want to go on holiday with her again and wanted to sense check if that was reasonable. Which it is.

Society loves to shame women into putting themselves last and I'm glad OP isn't doing that here.

Much of the attitude towards this person is due to attitudes towards disabled people in general e.g. that they are a burden, that anyone who spends time with them is essentially a carer and doing them a massive favour and/or should be paid for it. The only thing that I would describe as CF as not paying for half the costs. The rest could just be lack of communication. e.g. maybe the friend thought that by booking the holiday OP would choose something she likes. Some people do just go to one beach and eat in one place on holiday and booking that type of holiday is not much effort.

'Or maybe the friend is just a bore?'

'OP has been very tactful and diplomatic but it really does sound like the holiday was boring.'

Oh yes, we've established the op found the whole thing a terrible bore! She has every right to be bored by limitations in place by those less mobile. She has every right <how many times have we heard it> to say no to a other trip, just own it and stop blaming the other poor person.

Totally agree with you.

There's a cohort on this thread that are not interested in any other views than their own and they'll carry on until the thread dies. Talking about husbands is just so irrelevant, it's comparing completely different relationships.

I read OP's first post without any preconceptions. To me it sounds as if OP is a good friend who took on several tasks and didn't mind. It's the request for a repeat of the holiday that has made her stop and recollect that actually, the holiday from HER point of view, wasn't what she wanted or would want to repeat.

If you remove the disability completely then it's still clearly a mis-match of expectations and compatibility about the holiday. If I would go on holiday with a friend then that would be from the perspective of mutual compatibility with activities, cost-sharing, meals, transport, and anything else. If we didn't have that then a conversation would be needed - and not everybody wants to have that. Why should they? They're on holiday.

It's such a joy to carefree to be able to decide things on the day and be of the same mind about most or even some of it, without having to think about it.

OP has been kind to her friend and all the spiteful putting down from some on this thread doesn't detract from that. OP has had a chat with her friend now and there isn't to be a repeat of this holiday and I don't blame her one bit. I don't though take from that that OP doesn't care about or want to meet up with her friend because that's not what she's said. Not at all.

It's not toward disabled people, plural. It's toward this particular person who was a CF toward OP.

You don't need to preach to me about disability's effects. I have spent seven years as my mother's carer after she had a stroke, and I have disabilities developing myself.

"[Holidays] for people with disabilities offer carers to help with washing and dressing and other basic help." It doesn't have to be as extreme as that - there could also be holidays which offer some support with mobility but not necessarily all the washing and dressing (the sort of thing my parents used to do).
I've often been on holiday with someone who needs care - I'm glad to do it and have planned the next one but it isn't entirely a holiday! It's good also to have a balance when you're not having to plan around someone else's needs.

I'm glad you had the conversation. You're much more direct than me and I hate this kind of thing.
Holidays with friends are so much more intense than spending even a weekend together and I crave space or at least people who know me very well such as my family to understand why I wouldn't like certain things. I hate sunbathing for example but can cope with a few hours then want a change.
I don't have enough money or annual leave or energy to support a holiday I wouldn't enjoy and I think you are great for going and doing ALL the grunt work. I see the lack of IT literacy almost like the lack of folks who don't drive to empathise with those who do or "get" what's involved and therefore appreciate the effort needed.

*Or maybe the friend is just a bore?

OP has been very tactful and diplomatic but it really does sound like the holiday was boring.*

I think this is probably the truth. OP wants an active holiday and felt restricted by her friend. It's not so much the disability, which as others have said can be accommodated with planning, it's about wanting different things from holidays.

the type of holiday the op wants - which sounds like it would cost around £350 per time (as says £1k for a cruise is her budget for the year and she goes on 3-4 trips a year)

Is not compatable with a lovely, all inclusive, loads of flat surfaces, private beach, many restaurant options, type holiday.

And i'd feel very awkward saying to a friend - we are only getting taxis due to YOU, i'd walk the mile, so YOU pay 100%. i mean no one would really want to do that.