Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

I haven’t made a comment on the point of this thread?

I made a comment on the scenario, and one relating to the tone of many of the replies, but I haven’t made any questioning the point of the thread.

Also, in what way IS the thread related to comprehension?

@wombat15 the OP was very clear about having to do all the organising of the holiday to ensure the friend was comfortable, as well as constant shopping trips by herself that she paid for. Then spent her time tied to one place. You may enjoy rallying around after someone on holiday and not having a break yourself, many wouldn't. Perhaps rtft so I don't have to keep repeating myself and answering stupid questions. I have better things to do.

I agree. The ableism is incredible.

How do you know what the friend did or did offer to do? OP hasn't actually said. And why was it up to the friend to anticipate that OP would want to explore by herself and eat in restaurants by herself?

@Theuglynaillady the entire point in this thread 😑

What is?

In this specific case it does seem there is something off about the friend- not helping to plan or paying her way

-the op says she doesn’t have problems with executive functioning so should be able to do this- but obviously op could be wrong… disability can be complex and op might not understand. On the other hand the friend might just be a bit cheeky completely unrelated to her disability.

but all the just get a carer/she SHOULD get a wheelchair/it’s too limiting to holiday with disabled people/of course friend could do X Y Z/op was being used as a carer/holding people back etc it bollocks.

Mumsnet is always rife with ableism though, this is no where near the worst thread for it. I was told multiple times in 24 hours (on three different threads), that I should just stay at home and not expect access to the supermarket, swimming pool or toilets the other week.

@NoisySnail no she ended up taking responsibility for her friend because the friend didn't do it for herself. That's the point.

@LemonPeonies sadly the OP did not did that.

@Needanewname42 places are rarely truly wheelchair accessible, even when they say they are. And Britain is poor for wheelchair accessibility. How helpful a wheelchair is depends on the level of someone's disability and lifestyle. Certainly getting a decent taxi is easier than trying to navigate streets alone in a powered wheelchair.

@Theuglynaillady no, it's about comprehension and taking responsibility for yourself.

I agree. My DH is disabled. We do things together and I do things by myself. No one was making OP lie on the beach all day. She could easily have said I will join you in the beach ion the morning then after lunch I am going a long hike.
Honestly OP seems incredibly wet and then is blaming her friend for this.

See, it’s this attitude that disabled people should always be bending over backwards and giving 110% in order not to ‘hold back’ the able bodied people around them that gets wearing after a while.

It’s like we’re expected to always be trying to make it up to able bodied people for being less than, an inconvenience or a burden. Or even just less ideal than others.

@scotvic it's not the holding others back that's the problem, it's the lack of consideration for others. The OP's friend seemed to be unaware of how she was restricting OP and was putting on her. Like you say you do, she should have organised things herself, including anything she's unable to do like shopping/ walking/ travelling.

I am very mobility restricted like your friend and am always very conscious of the risk of holding other companions back. It is dreadfully upsetting to feel one’s very existence / presence spoils things for others! The first step is to communicate very thoroughly and honestly and (a) try to choose a holiday / type of holiday / location that will suit all parties and (b) sort out in advance about money and paying for things. To try to avoid problems and/ or compensate for any frustrations, I do all possible research and planning, also I pay in full for any extra transport or other costs incurred by my disabilities. I make it very clear to companions that I am happy for them to go off and do their own thing at various times and to leave me behind, hopefully comfortably ensconced with a book and a nice glass of something…
If my friend(s) chose not to holiday with me again I would understand of course. But I’d be sad. Those of you who’ve suggested OP’s friend just ‘getting a carer’ are callous and also very ignorant about how difficult, expensive and unsatisfactory that would be.
Chumming your friend once a year sounds plenty for a foreign trip, especially involving air travel etc. which is an absolute pain. But maybe a shorter break somewhere in this country could be considered?. If you’re still not keen, it could be that you are really just not compatible ‘holiday friends’ i.e. you don’t really enjoy /want to do the same things - and that’s quite common . Just say ‘No, sorry, can’t manage that at the moment.’

Maybe a wheelchair wouldn't improve the quality of her life if she can get around in the UK via car and limited walking. It's up to her to decide anyway, not people who don't know her and have never been in a wheelchair themselves.

It’s pointless to speculate really, we don’t know enough about her finances or disability to know what would work for her.

Are you a wheelchair user? I only ask be it isn’t my experience that uk cities are well adapted for wheelchairs- I’ve lived in several and visited many and they are all a ballache one way or another!

I'll agree they aren't cheap, but surely if a chair would improve your quality of life you'd skip a holiday and save for a chair?

I am thinking UK cities which are well adapted to wheelchair use but there might be odd bits of old castles and cathedrals etc where they haven't been able to get disable access in.

And she's not completely wheelchair relant so she could access 70% in the chair and walk the other 30% which means they both get to see places.

However, it is the OP herself who has focussed on the disability and so have many other posters.

I agree.

If the issue isn’t related to the friend’s disability being inconvenient to the op then there wouldn’t have been a need to mention it.

It would have said-

“my friend expected me to plan everything, complained about what I planned and didn’t pay her way”

The above is unreasonable by anyone’s standards- but being limited by disability and hoping to still take part in friendships and holidays etc isn’t.

She might not own one, they aren’t cheap (unless it was one the op had to push, and I don’t think she would have been any happier with that).

Also accessibility is often really shit- I frequently have to sit in my chair and wait for my family at tourist attractions for one reason or another, so it probably wouldn’t have helped much in terms of doing the sites together.

I agree that the problem is mainly that OP and her friend aren't compatible and that a lot of the problems are perhaps around the friend not paying her share. However, it is the OP herself who has focussed on the disability and so have many other posters. Calling OP a carer simply because she booked what doesn't sound like a complicated holiday or for shopping for one or two things even though OP would probably have need to go to shops for herself anyway. Also, blaming the friend for the fact that the holiday was restricted even though that is not her fault and suggestions that she should pay for holiday companions because she gets PIP (as if that makes you really rich).

It is fairly typical of a lot of posts on here about disabled people. For example, I have seen threads where partners of disabled people are pretty much considered heros even they don't in reality do any caring and if their behaviour is quite abusive.

The really sad thig about this thread is that it contains so many of the attitudes that you dread your friends thinking about you when you become disabled- that you're boring, needy, that you need a 'carer',

My mum has mobility issues and needs help with a few basic daily tasks.

I go on holiday with her, 3-5 days of my precious time off - I work FT and have DC.

Now, it's my mum so slightly different to OP... but mum usually plans the holiday, she'll pay for my flights or for the accommodation. I get 1-2 days to myself so I can do the things that she isn't able to join in with.
I think it's a fair arrangement.

She doesn't expect me to run around for her, we go shopping/ do errands together. Of course it's quicker & easier for me to pop to the shops ect but equally my mum likes to have some independence so we'll take the time.

I gess what I am saying is, sometimes both parties have to compromise in order to make things work.

OP'S friend does sound like a CF and I am glad that there won't be any more holidays for them.

Money stuff and shopping thats easily solved use a kitty, all food, all bar bills should come out the kitty.

People are definitely underestimating what carers do - I'd assume the friend is fairly independent and doesn't need help getting dressed or getting to the toilet.

As for the take a carer on holiday chants really who can afford to take an employed carer on holiday?

I do see some of this in the thread, especially the comments about OP being her friend’s “carer” which seem pretty naive about what carers actually do. But a lot of it is stuff that would annoy people whether or not the friend was disabled.

Letting OP pay for all the little things and never offering to reimburse and doing none of the planning and then complaining about the things OP didn’t get quite right. These all by themselves would grate for most people.

Being disabled doesn’t make you any of the things you mention, but some disabled people, just like able bodied people, are some of those things. And going on holiday with a friend tests a lot of relationships.

OP obviously does want a more active holiday than her friend is capable of (though there’s been some advice for making it easier to go further if they went again) and that’s something that is directly impacted by the friend’s mobility issues. But you equally hear people complaining about friends who like holidays where they do the same thing each day or only want to go to the restaurant that does chicken and chips or to the pool and not explore the town, etc.

What I’m trying to say is - don’t take it to heart too much. The focus seems to be on the disability. But almost all of the issues OP had are actually about the friend’s attitude to things and incompatibility you could get with any pair of friends holidaying.

I'm one of the 4%, but only just, as I can also see your POV, and I do think your friend is being a bit of a CF. She needs to learn to use a computer for her own long-term independence (online shopping etc), so not only is foisting all the organising onto you isn't fair of her, it's also very shortsighted.

Also, if she has mobility problems, she needs to do what she can to minimise their impact eg using a wheelchair more (which should also make the holiday more fun for her), and make sure she isn't expecting you to pick up more than your fair share of the costs because you're the one who can nip to the shops.

In fact, the more I think about this, the more I think that the issue was less her disability itself than her attitude, which is that you should arrange everything, run about on her behalf, spend your money on her behalf and then revise your approach to organise a better trip for her next time. She seems to have very little self-awareness.

You've said you've tried to have a conversation with her... Could you perhaps explain what the issues her and say you'd be willing to go away with her again in a year if SHE can plan and book the trip, and that a couple of other issues are sorted out?