Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

You don't have to go on holiday with her and I certainly wouldn't go so soon with the same friend anyway.

If your next trip is solo just tell her that and be firm about it. I love solo travelling and would say no to anyone who asked to join me on a planned solo jaunt. It doesn't matter who it is, what their needs are etc, it's a very different holiday on your own isn't it.

The bit that got me was that she expects you do do all the research etc. TBH for that reason alone I wouldn't go on holiday with her again ever! She should play an active part in ensuring her own needs are accommodated.

I think you're best off having a gently honest conversation to avoid having to make excuses in future. I imagine it meant a lot to her, but also she must know she wouldn't be able to go without a carer - and therefore that you were her carer at your own expense. Great deal for her, right?

Also holidays are not an entitlement they're a nice to have, there are lots and lots and lots of people who can't go on holidays for lots of reasons and that's not your problem.

I'd say maybe next year as you've planned the remaining of your hols this year.

That said, you're a good friend. I'm a part time wheel chair user and it's a lot for an abled body person to look after a wheelchair user.

@Borntorun123

What a tough situation for you and her, OP. It sounds like you were her PA/Carer doing all the research/bookings pre, during and post holiday for which you not only paid for yourself but incurred extra costs which you would not have needed to budget if you'd been travelling solo. Plus you missed out on doing some of the things you really wanted to do because they weren't possible for her. Sounds an unsatisfying holiday for you.

I think you're going to need to honest with her, softening the blow as much as possible, but you can't go on holiday with her, or anyone else, whether able bodied or not, out of a sense of guilt. 🌹

Unless she is able to stay by herself for the day while you go out and do some of things you choose, you need to tell her it won't work this time. It is not hard to research accessible options, but if she can't do so it is hard to suit you both. For example, she could request special assistance at the airport like a buggy to transfer to the plane, fast track security and help to get on/off rather than you do it all Where would she like to go, does she have a carer at home to facilitate her daily life who could go?

Maybe put her in touch with arranged holidays suitable so she can go on her own.

I would point out all of the above - the extra cost, the limitations and her lack of input. She can get a computer or phone and learn to research it- etc

If you were to agree to another trip (not in the autumn, that's mad and much too soon for any friend-holidays) maybe what you need is another two friends to join you so that there's variety and opportunities to split up for some days to explore and do uphill things, and for your friend to have company and the chance for a holiday.

However, this is not your job; effort in researching it needs to come from your friend's side too.

I wouldn't go away with her. it's your holiday too.

and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

this stood out to me, as well as her not paying for shopping you did. She sounds ungrateful and cheeky.

You say you are old friends. Are you still good friends and do you like spending time together now? I think this makes a difference. If the answer is no, and you spend time with her out of obligation, then definitely say no to any more holidays.
If you do like spending time with your friend, think about what would work for you and be honest with her. Say if once a year/every two years/UK city breaks/time where you explore alone/a shared kitty/she pays for taxis would be better for you. It sounds like there's some things that won't change, like you organising everything, but if you're friend values your friendship there's lots that could change to take some pressure off you.

Does friend acknowledge how much she is asking if you or does she just assume you both had a great time?

I feel awful writing that as she can't help her disability but she should have realised you were out of pocket and doing running around after her.

Yanbu. I have a friend (a) who booked a holiday with another friend (b). I think the fact the friend a can't bend, walk far suddenly dawned on friend b who cancelled the holiday last minute. I understand both points of view here. Friend a was very upset as cant holiday on her own. Can't put clothes on without help. Friend a was asking other friends to come instead but it be as a carer role and you be paying for it so sadly everyone said no. Certainly go on your solo trip. Yanbu

This.

I don't think this scenario is exactly uncommon, especially if you substitute friend for family member.

Basically you have been used as ab unpaid carer, from booking arrangements to actually looking after all her needs on holiday. I don't think it is unreasonable to explain this if she pushes it. I think you can gently say that overall the holiday didn't work for you and that you won't be doing it again.

I have an elderly parent who wants to go on a cruise and has offered to pay for me and partner, but what he actual wants is for someone to make all the arrangements, renew his passport, pack for him and look after him completely for the entire holiday. It wouldn't be our choice of holiday anyway, and I'm certainly not being a carer for 10 days. I think he's genuinely baffled as to why we are not snapping his hand off at a free holiday.

Point is, you've been used and your friend needs to realise this, and adjust her expectations of those around her.

Having a disability doesn’t make you a burden. Expecting someone else to do all the work and buy your groceries does

OP you sound really lovely and you are not being unreasonable. You're clearly very considerate of your friend and mindful of her limitations but what she is proposing is not a holiday for you. It's almost as if she is asking you to take her on a holiday she wouldn't be able to do alone and it will put you out massively.

If you are planning a solo trip then say this (hopefully she wouldn't ask to come along or you'd have to point out why it wouldn't be suitable for her?) and say maybe in the future but in the meantime could you propose a day out together or silencing later this year? Is she a close friend?

Hi OP, just so say you sound like a very caring friend and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all not to want to go away again together this year. If you felt you could, maybe suggest a short break next year at some point- but only if you feel able to.
For context, I'm your friend in this situation. I'm a wheelchair user or walking stick (depending on pain), can't walk any sort of distance at all & rely on heavy duty medication to get me through the day. Yes, travelling as a disabled person is a lot tricker with a lot more planning involved but unlike your friend, I do all the planning myself. As an example, last Feb half term I took my 13 year old DC & their best mate away to Tenerife for the week. I'm a single parent so it's always on me to plan....we had a great week.
But I honestly don't think you're being unreasonable at all x

I’m sure she’s keenly aware of the potential of being a burden and unfortunately it seems that is what she has become - to you.

If you have four breaks a year then one short one with a disabled friend doesn’t seem that bad?

Disability is very isolating and I hope you can find a way to holiday together occasionally that doesn’t involve you or her feeling like she’s a burden.

It sounds as though something like a cruise would suit her. She could stay on board while the person accompanying her could get off at the different ports.

Does she know anyone who would go on that sort of trip with her?

It seems like you just want different kinds of holidays. Mobility issues aside, not all friends are holiday friends. And definitely not twice a year holiday friends.

I think you should find a way to say no.

Do you enjoy spending time with her? If so then maybe suggest you're booked up this year/can't afford it due to other commitments and look into another trip next year then go somewhere she can hire an mobility scooter to help her get around with less strain on you? Maybe with less expectations now you know what it will be like, maybe somewhere you would not normally go - if it means you get to spend time with her and you want that. I'd also be asking her to do the research and pick some places she knows will be suitable for her, you should not be responsible for this.

If you're just not arsed and don't want to - two choices really! Think of excuses until she gives up asking or just be honest, gently explain to her what you have said here.

Edit - after the update it really doesn't sound like you're very compatible. Unless you really like this person and are happy to do something you wouldn't personally choose for a few days for her, then just put an end to the holidays.

If you like her enough to go way with her maybe do it a bit differently.
Some people struggle to organise trips , you see it on MN.
Also , start a kitty for the small bits that add up.
Alternatively if you really can't face itv, you'll have to say you've already got this year's trips planned. You've used your budget / annual leave.
Then see how you feel next year.

It does sound frustrating and not exactly a holiday for you.

How did you end up doing all the planning? And it does seem rude that she didn’t offer to pay for the things from the shops (either split the cost or offer to pay in full).

If you do go again, I always use an app called Splitwise on holiday. You each put in what you’ve spent on different things and then at the end of the trip settle up what you owe each other.

Don’t be guilt tripped into going away with her again, this year, next year or any year.

I think she is a bit of a CF for letting you pay for the shopping as well and also expecting you to organise it all.

She sees you more as a carer and a secretary, not a friend.

You are a fab friend, but if she needs this amount of looking after she should be paying for all of the holiday in lieu of all the care you gave her.
I don’t think anyone would choose another holiday like this unless it was a close family member or partner.