Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

It’s simple really-either you like the friend enough to want to go on holiday with her-in which case the issues you had wouldn’t matter because you really wanted to be there doing that with her-or you don’t- in which case don’t do it again and explain why to her.

It’s not really that simple. The OP can really like the friend loads and wouldn’t mind going on holiday with her, but also want the friend to help organise/book the holiday and pay for taxis if she needs them.

It doesn’t sound like this friend is at all self-aware about the impact her needs are having on others though. She wants/needs a carer and wants the OP to do it-free, whilst seemingly believing it’s also a really good holiday for her!

Just be honest, tell her that while you are glad she really enjoyed the holiday you found the holiday restrictive, if she is a friend she will already know that. Explain your idea of a great holiday. Don't say you won't go with her again but explain that you would be open to another holiday in 18 months 2 years time. Ask her to use that time to use the internet to research holidays. Life is too short to to ruin your holidays.

You sound an incredibly lovely friend. However, she’s put you in an awful position.

It's almost like, no good deed goes unpunished.

I used to be friendly with someone similar but as PP says, you were her PA/carer on holiday not relaxing like a friend.

She is probably oblivious to your needs.

I would try and speak honestly to her. If she is a real friend she will understand and accept where you’re coming from.

I think you just tell her that you already have plans made for this year, but that maybe you could plan something again at a later date. It might be that in a couple of years time, you will feel like doing it again.

i think going on more than one holiday with the same person (unless extremely close) is actually a bit much. I also think getting into a habitual holiday with anyone is pretty difficult as it is hard if you don’t feel like it one year. I’d be firm, so sorry, have lots planned and my holiday quota for the year is done. I do think she was unfair expecting you to organise everything. Whilst I’d encourage you to consider it again one day, I’d say you need to avoid for both this and next year so that it is not an expectation.

It’s simple really- either you like the friend enough to want to go on holiday with her- in which case the issues you had wouldn’t matter because you really wanted to be there doing that with her-

or you don’t- in which case don’t do it again and explain why to her.

Im disabled and a wheelchair user with chronic illness- my best friend of decades is a globe trotting travel addict who likes to do things like turn up in Argentina one morning with no accommodation and no plan- clearly that wouldn’t work for me!

So, she goes everywhere all the time and I in no way want to go along- then we go on the odd uk break together where the focus is on spending time together.

She comes with the frame of mind that we want to hang out and have a few drinks and laughs- not long days sight seeing etc.

The paying for things stuff is bollocks though- she should absolutely pay her half (and personally I always offer to pay for taxi fares where I know that friends would otherwise have walked- some friends accept others insist on splitting, but I always offer).

YANBU, OP. It sounds like you were as much a carer as a friend on that holiday and I don't think I would be in a rush to be in such a situation again. My son needs a wheelchair for distances and can't do the energetic things he used to, so I do understand and sympathise with your friend, but just as I wouldn't ask a friend to care for my child for free, I don't think she should ask you.

You say she can't use a computer for anything but social media...so obviously she can get online. If you have time, I would send her links or even sit with her in a cafe or pub one day and show her sites that will help her be more independent. She shouldn't miss out on holidays. They are more difficult when you are disabled, but they are not impossible.

You notify the airline of wheelchair/assistance requirements in advance and there is sometimes a special place to check on or a desk to meet assistance reps at who will help you with luggage and transport you to the gate. Hotels will often place you in a wheelchair accessible room, close to reception and on the ground floor (if requested). Sites like Wheel the World post regularly about both standard and adventurous holidays that can be done in a wheelchair and which travel partners to book through, other sites like Wheelmate and accessaloo list disabled toilets and parking in over 45 countries. There is actually quite a lot of good advice online, if she is capable of looking.

This. its very sad but yanbu. From what you have said you are acting like a paid companion except you are not paid.

Tell her that as much as you enjoyed spending time with her, and wouldn't mind doing similar again one day, it's not the sort of thing you'll be doing every year, as it was quite a mission to find suitable places and much more expensive than your usual getaways.

Or just make light of it and say ' already?? Steady on, we're not long back' and just ignore

You are not her carer. It’s not reasonable for you to pay for a holiday for yourself then end up working as a carer. If she needs a carer then she needs to employ one - or at the very least pay for your holiday because you’re acting as her carer. I wouldn’t go on holiday with her again and I wouldn’t feel guilty about refusing to be used as an unpaid carer.

@Borntorun123 if you are really close then could you have a discussion about how you honestly (both) felt about it? So you could open up about how some parts you felt more like an unpaid carer/couldn’t relax and also perhaps show how much research you had to do. Basically make the point it wasn’t much of a holiday for you. Of course you’d have to be super tactful. But you could at least get to a point of ‘I’d like to do a mini-break but my other holidays this year are all allocated’ or alternatively ‘love to go away but could you think about a PA who does this stuff as part of a job so we can both relax’? Definitely if you are considering doing it again, get ground rules in place and so on.

YANBU

You sound like a lovely friend but it sounds like you were almost acting like her carer assisting her on holiday, rather than her friend going on a joint holiday.

I would say that you are sorry but you can’t afford it this year, as you have already booked one and so perhaps she could have a think about where you can both go next year.

I don't think there's anything wrong in saying that you would like to go on holiday next year (if you do) and say you're planning other things for this year.
I have a friend who doesn't help with the planning at all and thinks it's just a big joke, really annoying. Just ask your friend to start thinking of ideas now..

If she wants to go away she first if all needs to work out doing the research and booking, irrespective of having a disability it’s unacceptable to expect someone else to do all that and then comment if you think it’s not up to scratch, that’s just plain rude.

I wouldn’t be going away again so soon, and if you do then insist she comes up with some suggestions for the trip, if she can’t/wont then it’s on her.

This friend doesn’t sound ‘keenly aware’ that she is a burden at all. She left all the booking, organising, travel, ferrying, pushing/carrying and shopping to the OP and her needing taxis meant that OP needed to spend a lot more money than she normally would. If you are ‘keenly aware’, you take steps to modify this-whereas the friend just seems to want it to repeat with the OP covering half of her mobility costs.

I think you need to speak to her and say, it was a lovely break but to be honest you are used to being on your own sightseeing up lots of steps/ doing physical activities, and doing budget holidays and this ended up being more costly that you budgeted for due to the taxis. I would ask if she’s considered an ‘assisted’ package trip instead.

She might have thought it was the perfect holiday, but really needs to recognise that it wasn’t perfect for you.

"Sorry, I can only cope with beach/pool type holiday once every 5 years or so"

This 100%

You’ve done it once and I think that is enough tbh. Another friend should step in next time. You sound incredibly kind and thoughtful but are at risk of being taken advantage of. I wonder if your friend really appreciates your efforts and sacrifice, especially the time taken planning, the extra expenditure and the limited nature of your activities. If she didn’t acknowledge these things and in addition commented negatively when things didn’t go exactly according to plan, I suspect she doesn’t. I would see how she responds when you say you can’t go next time and that might present an opportunity for you to speak more honestly to her about the issues involved.

Personally I would take a complete step back from holidaying together and continue to be the good friend that you are in other ways that are less stressful.

Maybe practice some phrases aloud in the mirror...

"I had a good time too but I really do prefer to travel alone."

"I make it a rule never to travel with the same person twice!"

"I'm planning on some activity holidays so I don't think it would work out."

@BombBiggleton You sound nice. Your poor dad.

OP I have a disability and traveling is hard for me and I also live on my own so going away is incredibly difficult. I think it is entirely reasonable to say you have plans for this year but could you arrange a small trip next year on the understanding that you do the planning together? If she can’t do it herself, to ask other family or friends to sit down with her and do some of the research. I get that is difficult to find accessible accommodation and find places that are wheelchair friendly but it shouldn’t just be you that is doing the work. Is there any reason why she couldn’t do it through an agent so at least she gets some idea of the possibilities?

The other thing I would do is to insist on having a kitty, everything divided equally but that she puts in more for the taxis she needs. She must know her costs are higher because she can’t use public transport and should budget for that. You should also be clear up front that you will be exploring on your own on some occasions so she must expect to be able to sit in a cafe and read, watch passers by or entertain herself in other ways.

If all of this is done now she has time to start planning, saving for extra expenses and adjusting her expectations. It would be a lovely generous thing to go with her again.

I agree - and on top of that she complains if what you've organised isn't completely to her liking.
A mobility impairment doesn't make her incapable of doing some researching and organising.

So it sounds like she had a great time and kind of assumed you did too.
Just respond back and simply say " hey friend, thanks for asking but I'm already planning a solo trip hiking for my next holiday so I don't think that's going to work for you. Maybe see if another friend wants to go with you in Autumn"

I don't think you need to engage more than that. If you wanted you can offer a trip next year and maybe make it shorter so it's less burdensome for you.

Your friend sounds like me and I have often travelled alone. You should have registered for mobility help when you booked then no need to push her at the airport. Major resorts hire scooters or if cheaper you can hire one here and put on the plane. Coach trips can be booked. If she wants you to go next year, she must be prepared to take some of the load off. You are not joined at the hip and should be able to go off to explore some days and she can do the beach or pool. If the holiday is more pleasant for you , you are more likely to keep going. And you should have a kitty for those expenses. You are not a carer and are generous to do this.

Escorting and aiding your friend around some foreign town or resort is not a holiday: it's a job.