Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

I agreed with you up until your last sentence. Gosh, there's a big difference between a holiday with friends and paying a stranger to go on holiday with you (even if you ignore the considerable additional of doing this).

As a person with mobility issues, only she can judge whether she's sufficiently disabled to need a paid carer and I'm sure, if she did, she would have already considered this. I'm not suggesting the OP is obligated to going on holiday with her again, certainly not in the same year, and there may be alternative opportunities another time, but it would be pretty insulting, offensive, hurtful if the OP were to say to her "No, sorry, I don't want to go on holiday with you but why don't you pay a carer to go with you?" It's not her place to suggest that.

(I speak as a disabled person with mobility problems).

I am being very fair - someone needs to say something on OP’s friend’s behalf.

There are a lot of disparaging remarks on this thread.

You’re being unfair describing my comments as a rant - are your comments a rant?

As for the rest of your post I’m not sure what your point is.

YANBU even just for the reason that she doesn't help with the organising and research. I stopped going on holiday with a good friend for this reason alone. They never complained about any of the choices but it was really time consuming and I felt taken for granted.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable. Nobody’s forcing you to be her friend or do nice things for her.

If there is a part of you that would like to help your friend to have a holiday, just set a budget that you can afford and make it to a cheaper place / for a shorter time / next year, accordingly.

If there is a way to way to minimise the impact on you without saying no altogether, it would be a kind thing to do. If the boot were on the other foot, I daresay you’d hope a friend would do the same for you.

I think this is unfair. The first time we took my disabled mum on holiday, we did book assistance but didn't get much, and I had no clue what my mum was entitled to.

Now I'm older and much more bolshy it's different.

The trouble is OP, that your friend was selfish. She wanted you there to care for her, and ensure that she had a good time, without considering what you wanted from the holiday. I am disabled, and VERY limited in what I can do, some days I can't even get out of bed. I've been like this for 25 years now, and in the earlier years, when my DH and I went anywhere, whether it be a weekend away, or a holiday, I would always say to him, get me settled somewhere, and then if you want to go off and do something, whether it be go for a walk, or basically anything that I wasn't able to do, for example, we used to like things like castles and stuff, but I can't climb stairs anymore, however, it would never cross my mind to expect my DH not to do something just because I can't. I know some people may think you're being a bit mean, and feel sorry for her, but there's nothing in the rule book that says that disabled people are always nice and never selfish. A lot of them are, and some are EXTREMELY selfish. I would perhaps suggest that if she wants to go on holiday again, that she explore things like www.disabledholidays.com who appear to offer all sorts of holidays, and can provide all sorts of packages to assist various disabilities. If she goes on a holiday like this, then she is likely to meet other people in a similar position to herself, and make friends with people who understand how she feels. Obviously I also see things from the side of a disabled person, and one thing I absolutely HATE on holiday, is having someone else push me around in a manual wheelchair, as if I see something I want to have a look at, by the time I've told my Carer to stop, they've gone past whatever it is, and then I end up feeling like I'm being a nuisance, because they're being good enough to enable me to go out, but I'm causing them difficulties by wanting to stop or go back to something. So again, rather than expecting someone to push her, she needs to get a light weight scooter or mobility chair, so that she can be more independent. Does she belong to any groups where she can mix with other people are disabled, as if not, then perhaps she needs to look into it, and of course the easiest way for her to do that, is for her to learn how to use a computer.

She is clearly exaggerating. The airport assistance is one time when travelling with someone disabled is easier. You skip all queues.

I am absolutely not expecting OP to go on another holiday with her. Nobody should go on a holiday they don't want to go on. I just don't see OP as some fantastic person or great friend just for going on one restricted holiday that she is now complaining about and (I think) very probably exagarating about the help and restrictions.

Oh that’s a difficult one op. I think if she is a true friend then you have to be more honest with her.

Explain that you can’t do another one this year as you have other family commitments but you might start thinking about it next year if she took on more of the planning and also if you could have a talk about the shared budget as although you enjoyed your last holiday with her, it did add up to more than you were expecting.

And maybe discuss going away in a foursome and then the care tasks could be shared across more people?

I think the risk here op is of setting up expectations. That you will holiday with her - and take on all it entails - twice a year.

I would be very wary of this. I’d suggest politely saying that you are not planning another holiday at the moment. And leaving it at that.

if you want to go away with her again, you can, but at least you’ll know in advance what it involves.

Probably for the same reason, OP didn't go off by herself to explore at least once the entire holiday. She chose to be a martyr and is now complaining about it.

Exactly this.

When I had some very limited walking ability, but was mostly wheelchair bound, I went on holiday with friends.

I found it MUCH nicer than taking paid carers.

However, I was very aware just how much my friends were doing/sacrificing for me.

You shouldn't be doing all the research. Your friend should be working out what works for her. Yes, help and suggest ideas. I went on a safari because my friend suggested an accessible one she'd heard of.

As far as paying, I paid for all taxis or anything that was more expensive because of my needs. This included hotels and airfare, because I was more comfortable using certain airlines.

Airports etc. I had assistance from staff, because we skipped long queues. But shopping etc. my friends took it in turns to push.

Certainly go again if you'd like, but don't let your friend take the piss.

@Borntorun123 Hi OP, I am someone with a physical disability although thankfully not wheelchair bound atm and just wanted to share my perspective.
I think first of all, it's absolutely lovely of you to go on holiday with her and help her so much. she probably enjoys different things to you and therefore didn't realise that you were missing out. also as she doesn't organise any of it, doesn't realise the work involved. I am sorry to say but she also sounds somewhat inconsiderate (although I could be wrong).

she should at least have offered to pay for the items you purchased and treated you a few times as a thank you for your help as well as paying more for the taxis. whenever on hols with friends who end up having to come on taxis etc. because of me, I ALWAYS insist on paying as its only fair. I also offer my labour in other ways as all my friends wrap me in cottonwool whenever I am with them. I.e. I am always the trip planner, booking restaurants/activities/ doing the research. so there is fairness but also because I don't want to feel like a burden. I feel this is the minimum for me to feel comfortable accepting help and care from my friends.
in terms of the best course of action now - if you are close and value the friendship, I would be honest. request she pay you back your outlays for purchasing things for her. explain that while you love her company, you didn't quite have the holiday you expected and see if you can compromise. eg. you drop her to the beach and then go do something you would like to do. so you can enjoy each others company but still enjoy your own experiences. also explain you would like her to do some of her own research etc. as you simply don't have the time
otherwise, just tell her you can't afford to go away but point her to the fb group luxury solo female travel for over 50s and AI resorts. I do a lot of solo travel despite my health and find choosing better hotels and planning in advance makes everything pretty doable.

sorry for the long post x

I am genuinely confused here because I am disabled and I can't see all these supposedly terrible attitudes towards disabled people? I'm pretty laid back and don't get offended easily so maybe that's why but I would completely understand a friend wanting to have their own holiday and not wanting to accompany me. I'd hate anyone to feel obligated to stick with me and not enjoy themselves. I suppose I'm naturally independent despite my limitations and enjoy solo trips with mobility aids but even so, I don't think OP is in the wrong at all for feeling like she does.

@EmilyTheCriminal I think OP is exaggerating. My DH is disabled and we have never been in the situation of only being able to go to one restaurant or beach.

That's a totally different thing, I was saying that I hire an electric scooter to make it easier for us all to go out. I always pay my way, we have a kitty for any shopping and I wouldn't expect others to subsidise me.

It's not a one off though. The first one was a few weeks ago and the friend expects OP to organise another one in autumn.

You are expecting OP to give up her time and money on holidays she doesn't enjoy, which is unfair and pretty sexist.

I take my elderly and disabled mum on holiday with my family. It can be stressful and we have to plan everything in minute detail. But I do it happily because I love my mum and love spending time with her.

Expecting OP to do the same for someone she doesn't love spending time with is unfair.

And OP why did you or her not book disability assistance at the airport? You do when selecting your seat, or saying whether you want to pre-order a meal. It is very easy. No need for you to push her through the airport.

Yes you need to tell her in a tactful way that you can't arrange everything if it's a shared holiday. It is very delicate territory to get into but if she can't help with the arrangements in any way then this really isn't a shared holiday. I think the underlying dynamic is that she is vulnerable and needs you - but part of being a friend is being able to tell the truth and say you just can't arrange a second holiday in one year. Maybe she is investing too much into holidays as an escape ?

Yep disabled people should only mix with other disabled people in specially segregated holiday resorts.
(sarcasm).

Any idea how much an electric wheelchair plus a carer would cost in comparison to how much income average disabled person has ? No ? Thought not.

How do you know she had that great a time. If having one restricted holiday out of many holidays was so hard for OP, don't you think it even harder for those who have no choice?

Able bodied OP has several holidays a year that suits her. I can't work up much sympathy for the fact that she has had one restricted holiday ever, particularly as noone forced her to go. My sympathy lies with people who have to have restricted holidays (or no holiday through) no choice and no fault of their own.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. If she is a good friend to you I think a holiday like that once a year maximum if it restricts your ability to sight see and make the most of the surroundings. There are companies that cater for disabled people to go on Holliday.

This thread is seriously depressing. Obviously no one should go on holiday with someone they don't want to but the attitude towards people with disabilities on here is horrible. If you don't want to go on holiday with someone you just don't go. They probably wouldn't want to go with you either or even be friends with you if they heard your thoughts on it. Who would? If one restricted holiday out of your several holidays a year was so terrible, imagine what it is like being them.